hey blog.
ya know...? i'm not one for wallowing in my own shit. sometimes i do - like a few years back. i'd almost dare anyone on this planet to go through what i did and not crack - at least a little bit. but for the most part when the shit hits the fan and i can't duck in time and i catch a piece of it in my eye - i find i can always find something positive. i might bitch and moan for a minute...throw a cuss word around, maybe kick something but it doesn't take me forever to regain my composure. we take a deep breath and we say "fuck you" to the bad thing and we pick up the pieces (or start over, if need be).
i think there's a post on this blog somewhere about our "american nightmare"...what i call mine and P's version of the american dream. go find it, read it and get some background knowledge. i really don't think it's too much to ask that we own and actually hold the deed to this teeny, tiny, little 0.13 acres of land. P has always busted his ass, working hard to support our family - oft times working two jobs (to be honest, i think he did that cuz he was tired of crying babies and me bitching...lol) when you have to work with your back and not your brain - you work harder but for less money. i'd challenge ANYONE who would dare say otherwise about my P! but despite that...we've never been close to touching "middle class" - even on our tippy toes.
but this....this little house on 0.13 acres of land was ours. we worked hard for it!!! nothing has been given to us, we haven't inherited any land, any money, any anything (but really fkd up genetic BS). it's not taken for granted. P and i lived in his firebird for a week in the parking lot in front of the auto parts store. i didn't take the damn trailers for granted. i do have to wonder what i'm being punished for for THIS to happen though.
i feel like i'm gonna start whining...lol but i've been awake since 6:45yesterday morning. it's nearly 6am. i'm exhausted. i feel like i've been kicked in the balls. i feel like i've been dangling from the ledge of a 500 story building and some douchehat is stomping on my fingers. i think this one is gonna take me more than a minute to get over and move on from. :o/ if this spewing of my bruised and battered heart seems all over the place, it's probably because it is.
i got a call from our lawyer this morning.
months ago he told us that there was a huge chance everything was going to be ok. ok, if you say so (as i write another check for $5k). then P got laid off and almost simultaneously things took a funky turn with the house. don't pay the mortgage he says. don't pay the taxes. don't do anything. (as we empty our itty bitty 401k and write him another check). you guys were SO wronged. This is unheard of. Lawyers don't have of copies of the paperwork (lawyers make copies of copies), and oh...the title company. bad people. LS - fucking satan!! lawsuit number 2...them versus us.
we've lived the last year of our lives in this uncertainty - this fog i guess. maybe a fairytale fog. a bubble of - the real world is out there and we're in here protected by our attorney. i know better than to believe anybody. *I* knew better. i said we need a planB. ok, P says. months fly by and screw living pay check to paycheck, we're living day to friggen day and no plan B. today - no plan B.
under this false sense of security we've been lax. i admit it whole-heartedly. we purposefully let new goals (continuing education = more $$, right?) take the place of making sure the roof stays over our head. lax in heartily looking for a job. taking advantage of the decades of money put INTO the system and finally collecting unemployment. taking advantage of a second chance at a college education. taking advantage, for ONCE, of not having to pay rent or a mortgage. ::::sigh::::: oh, mr K.
mr K told me today that he's not optimistic that we'll get to keep our house. through no fault of ours - that's why you hire lawyers...to make sure the paperwork is in order. to make sure it's filed with the county. people buy houses every damn day and lawyers take care of the legal stuff. except here. i still remember the day i drove so fast over here, hoping i'd get to swipe the "sold" sign before the realtor came to get it. maybe that's why i'm being punished.
i wanted the "sold" sign. fucking greedy tammy.
mr K and these "negotiations"...he requested we get the house for half of what it's worth and with a 5% interest rate BECAUSE WE WERE SO WRONGED!! we filled out the financial papers. whoopsy - no one in this house has an income. yeah - they're gonna go for that, huh? not. so now, mr k says we go on the OFFENSIVE instead of the DEFENSIVE. they're suing us left and flippin' right and we're blocking the kicks to the ass. now it's time for someone else who got paid lots of money for title insurance, and closing costs and such, to answer to "what. the. fuck." whoopsy again - can't find him/them.
but we're on the offensive now (after another $3,500). i wish i had thought of asking for punitive damages...the thought of the "sold" sign flashes through my mind. this offensive tactic will afford us probably another 6-12 months living in my forever house. and then we have to move. we have to move and we have no plan b. no way to make a plan b. no way to subsidize aplan b. no resources to even plan to plan a plan b. at this point - i want to crawl in my bed, turn my fan on high, pull the covers up over my head and stay there. forever.
my fairytale fog has been cleared away by a lack of optimism by mr k. ignorance IS bliss. MY fairytale ignorance was blissful... and i just wanted to finish college without having to get a job..ya know...wait til i can work with my brain and not my hands. perhaps i want too much?
right after christmas - *I* will make a plan B. i have no idea how to. it's not supposed to be my job. but i'll do it - i just want to wait til after christmas.
(i guess that's a good sign that i won't stay under my covers forever if i think about eventually having a plan b). now, i will go cry myself to sleep. hopefully. mmmmmmm....hope is a beautiful word.
i love you blog. i don't think i'd have the strength to even think about finding hope. you're the best!!
hmmm...now that i got this off my chest and heart, i'll probably delete it in the morning...or night.....
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