dear blog,
my hubby and daughter set up a table at a flea market yesterday. i think they broke even money wise but they had a great day together, just the two of them and they both ended up with killer sunburns. my girl has the fair skin of a redhead (even though she's not a red head) and when i and the other kids caught up with them, she was hiding from the sun sitting under the table with her hoodie up over her head. dad wasn't complaining although his knees were so sunburned that the skin was swollen. some advil (for the girl) and aloe and bactine on both seemed to allow for a so-so night's sleep.
the mouse died. not drippy the four legged rodent, but the computer mouse.
why i started talking about the flea market is because at the flea market was a lady selling handmade soap. of course, because i make soap i wanted to check out the competition, so to speak. so i walked up and started sniffing all her soap. (lol) they looked like they were about 3 oz or so...no more than 4. out of maybe 15 soaps only two had strong scents (the clove and the peppermint). strike 1. soap, when you sell it to the public, has to be labeled - no labels. i asked her what she made her soap with, because she's selling it for $5.50 for a 3oz bar and i know she didn't invest in essential and fragrance oils and she tells me "....all natural base...". whoops...wait a minute sally. i'm not the type of person to call poeple out on stuff but i felt compelled. so i said "base?" and she goes on about this glycerine base and how it's so much better than anything else blah blah. strike 2.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
i need sleep...and other stuff...
dear blog,
it's the day after i last blogged so i won't run the risk of blogging twice in one day.
my thyme and my oregano are doing great!! my basil died. it was hiding under a big hosta and it didn't get watered. #1 (child) is confounded because she says basil likes it dry so i am basil-less. i might just buy a plant from the barn - that did well last year. we'll see. all but 2 petunias have passed on to their next assignment, too. the ivy is doing great so what gives? i've planted petunias and ivy together before so i'm not really sure what's going on there either. no tomatoes yet. i usually buy from the guy on brookview who sells his own honey but i haven't seen his sign. he sells heirloom tomato plants. need to get crackin' on that though.
i thought we'd take a road trip for hubby's b-day coming up. our favorite football team is having a free 'watch a practice' day. (the teams been stinking really bad the last few years...they want to woo fans back)everything is free from the parking to admission to hot dogs (i think)...we'd just have to get there. and there's the kick in the pants. 6 hours one way for a 2 hour practice session? me and the kids are on board...just gotta get the birthday boy with it. but they also have games and bouncy bounce things and vendors who give stuff away so we could make a day of it, maybe spend the nite somwhere? i don't know.
ever hear the saying "i'm so tired but i can't sleep"? omg, that is soooo me! i haven't slept in 2.5 years. finally, i got over my fear of too many rx drugs and asked my dr for something to help me,...either help me fall asleep or keep me from waking up. he gave me ambien. a whole tablet kicked my ass. a half a tablet worked perfect...if i could sleep for 8+ hours. if i woke up too early i was a zombie. not good. and i have to get up in the night to...uhhh...get to my office. no zombies in the bathroom please. (hahaha) so here it is almost 1 am (again) and i'm still up.
it's the day after i last blogged so i won't run the risk of blogging twice in one day.
my thyme and my oregano are doing great!! my basil died. it was hiding under a big hosta and it didn't get watered. #1 (child) is confounded because she says basil likes it dry so i am basil-less. i might just buy a plant from the barn - that did well last year. we'll see. all but 2 petunias have passed on to their next assignment, too. the ivy is doing great so what gives? i've planted petunias and ivy together before so i'm not really sure what's going on there either. no tomatoes yet. i usually buy from the guy on brookview who sells his own honey but i haven't seen his sign. he sells heirloom tomato plants. need to get crackin' on that though.
i thought we'd take a road trip for hubby's b-day coming up. our favorite football team is having a free 'watch a practice' day. (the teams been stinking really bad the last few years...they want to woo fans back)everything is free from the parking to admission to hot dogs (i think)...we'd just have to get there. and there's the kick in the pants. 6 hours one way for a 2 hour practice session? me and the kids are on board...just gotta get the birthday boy with it. but they also have games and bouncy bounce things and vendors who give stuff away so we could make a day of it, maybe spend the nite somwhere? i don't know.
ever hear the saying "i'm so tired but i can't sleep"? omg, that is soooo me! i haven't slept in 2.5 years. finally, i got over my fear of too many rx drugs and asked my dr for something to help me,...either help me fall asleep or keep me from waking up. he gave me ambien. a whole tablet kicked my ass. a half a tablet worked perfect...if i could sleep for 8+ hours. if i woke up too early i was a zombie. not good. and i have to get up in the night to...uhhh...get to my office. no zombies in the bathroom please. (hahaha) so here it is almost 1 am (again) and i'm still up.
wrong can't be undone
dear blog,
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
Monday, May 24, 2010
do you want to look like a scumbag?
dear blog,
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
i'm sorry i let you down....
dear blog,
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
the american dream...or the american nightmare...?
dear blog, my husband (of 21 years) and i have never been good with money. neither of us is formerly educated so jobs are just that...jobs, not careers. although money has always been tight we always participated in 401k plans (because i can't keep money in an accessible savings account to save my life) and i've been incredibly blessed to be able to stay home and raise my children. we had to file bankruptcy once, not a finer moment in our lives and perhaps we didn't have to but it was to save our sanity. with a clean slate, a better understanding of how things like credit and credit scores work and a meager paycheck we sacrificed a lot until we could buy our first home. we lived in a trailer for 5 years, drove the shittiest of shitboxes and really...we lived within our means.
fast forward 5 years - with a high recommendation from people hubby did repeated work for we sought out and received mortgage help from one mr lincoln skein. they had done lots of business with mr skein. he was great - give him a try. okay, so we gave him a try. he told us we could afford a home upwards of $300,000. hmmm...are you sure about that mr skein? hubby drives a school bus part time and installs hardwood floors part time. oh no, no...$300,000 and all you need is $1,500 down payment.
thankfully, we had our wits about us and didn't carried away. i won't lie - a $300,000 house after living in a sweatbox, i mean trailer for 5 years sounded really, really good. but what we did was find a cute little, modest house in a village that we loved and it was only $91,000. well.....month after month after month we still had no closing. i'm really happy the house was a foreclosure cuz i'm sure if it had real owners and not a bank - we'd have lost the house. we needed this document and that document and proof of this and proof of that and we needed reprove this and that. over 3 months into the cluster fuck we said "thank you, but no thank you. we'll just wait until whatever was screwing us up was cleared up and try again later".
frustrated and hurt we went out and bought a new car. it was only a year old! ohhhh...it was so nice!! air conditioning, no plastic covering the busted out back window, the heat worked in the winter time, it was just so ducky.
then mr skein calls and says we got a closing in a few days bring your checkbook and this and that and your all done. wow..!!! really?!?! well, yes...really!! we closed on the house 7/25/2005. or at least we thought we did. we lived for a few years being really strained with money because we now had a car payment (something we wouldn't have bought if the house had gone through) and we had a house payment and taxes. omg taxes!!
fast forward to the fall 2007 - a whirlwind of health issues hit me and my husband. surgeries, constant pain & ill health, heart viruses that kept him from going back to work from september to january - we were fricken toast. we had to borrow (it was given to us) money to keep the house and car and i still wasn't healthy. life was truly a mess. we let the car get repossessed, which helped but not enough. november 2009 hubby lost his job, was unable to collect unemployment because his boss couldn't stand up for him like hubby stood up for him and kept him from losing his job (yes, i'm still angry) and we were fucked. really good too. we were on the verge of losing our american dream.
fast forward again to spring 2010 and the letter from the local tax collector. she sent the tax bill with a note asking "why aren't your names on the tax bill? why is a mortgage company listed? you are no longer able to collect the STAR rebate because your name isn't on record." what. the. fuck. totally confused and soooo feeling like things were going from bad to worse - we contacted a lawyer.
i love lawyers. and i hate lawyers. apparently mr skein took the money and ran as fast as he could. he's no where to be found. the title company is no where to be found...closed business and bailed, too. the lawyers never filed the deed, the mortgage and no one even has a deed to the house. it's gone. no paper trail. just us...squatting in someone elses house. it's so sad that it brings tears to my eye just typing this up. our american dream has turned into an american nightmare.
the lawyer is excited because in his 30 yrs of practicing law - he's never seen anything like this. he assures us this isn't our fault. we have done nothing wrong here. we got screwed. we've talked to family about our problem but they don't get it. they only say that we're lving here without paying on the mortgage. "if i didn't pay my mortgage, i'd get foreclosed on" like this is some kind of friggen joke. we say we went to a lawyer - they tell people we filed bankruptcy. as if anyone has to wonder why we distance ourselves from our families.
so...fast forward again, this time with an empty 401k because mr lawyer wants $10,000 (we're $3k short and making payments for the rest) but mr lawyer says he can get us our house back. even though the mortgage company has sued us to turn the house over. actually, they want us to turn the deed over, too. we can't, of course but that didn't stop them from suing us. mr lawyer says "don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, don't pay on anything, don't do anything." he's gonna get our house back! ( ihope) we have no savings anymore so if we have to move, we're fucked. hubby still isn't working full time - he chose to focus soley on starting his flooring business officially for at least year trying to cash in on not having to pay a mortgage bill. lving paycheck to paycheck would be a welcome thing right now...LOL
i guess if anything has come from this it's that i learned that you need tokeep your eyes open at all times. you need to be educated. ignorance is a shamefull thing..and a painful thing when it comes to losing your home and having to move your 4 children somewhere, anywhere because someone else made a mistake. it's awful. i only hope that i can finish up my associates degree and get a somewhat decent job before the house goes up in smoke, so we won't have to live in my really shitty suburban.
so welcome to my american nightmare. i live in a sweet, little, modest house and i feel as homeless as i would if we did have to live in my truck.
i have to admit, blog, that it feels good telling you this. hubby and i have talked it to death but i just need to get itout, ya know?
fast forward 5 years - with a high recommendation from people hubby did repeated work for we sought out and received mortgage help from one mr lincoln skein. they had done lots of business with mr skein. he was great - give him a try. okay, so we gave him a try. he told us we could afford a home upwards of $300,000. hmmm...are you sure about that mr skein? hubby drives a school bus part time and installs hardwood floors part time. oh no, no...$300,000 and all you need is $1,500 down payment.
thankfully, we had our wits about us and didn't carried away. i won't lie - a $300,000 house after living in a sweatbox, i mean trailer for 5 years sounded really, really good. but what we did was find a cute little, modest house in a village that we loved and it was only $91,000. well.....month after month after month we still had no closing. i'm really happy the house was a foreclosure cuz i'm sure if it had real owners and not a bank - we'd have lost the house. we needed this document and that document and proof of this and proof of that and we needed reprove this and that. over 3 months into the cluster fuck we said "thank you, but no thank you. we'll just wait until whatever was screwing us up was cleared up and try again later".
frustrated and hurt we went out and bought a new car. it was only a year old! ohhhh...it was so nice!! air conditioning, no plastic covering the busted out back window, the heat worked in the winter time, it was just so ducky.
then mr skein calls and says we got a closing in a few days bring your checkbook and this and that and your all done. wow..!!! really?!?! well, yes...really!! we closed on the house 7/25/2005. or at least we thought we did. we lived for a few years being really strained with money because we now had a car payment (something we wouldn't have bought if the house had gone through) and we had a house payment and taxes. omg taxes!!
fast forward to the fall 2007 - a whirlwind of health issues hit me and my husband. surgeries, constant pain & ill health, heart viruses that kept him from going back to work from september to january - we were fricken toast. we had to borrow (it was given to us) money to keep the house and car and i still wasn't healthy. life was truly a mess. we let the car get repossessed, which helped but not enough. november 2009 hubby lost his job, was unable to collect unemployment because his boss couldn't stand up for him like hubby stood up for him and kept him from losing his job (yes, i'm still angry) and we were fucked. really good too. we were on the verge of losing our american dream.
fast forward again to spring 2010 and the letter from the local tax collector. she sent the tax bill with a note asking "why aren't your names on the tax bill? why is a mortgage company listed? you are no longer able to collect the STAR rebate because your name isn't on record." what. the. fuck. totally confused and soooo feeling like things were going from bad to worse - we contacted a lawyer.
i love lawyers. and i hate lawyers. apparently mr skein took the money and ran as fast as he could. he's no where to be found. the title company is no where to be found...closed business and bailed, too. the lawyers never filed the deed, the mortgage and no one even has a deed to the house. it's gone. no paper trail. just us...squatting in someone elses house. it's so sad that it brings tears to my eye just typing this up. our american dream has turned into an american nightmare.
the lawyer is excited because in his 30 yrs of practicing law - he's never seen anything like this. he assures us this isn't our fault. we have done nothing wrong here. we got screwed. we've talked to family about our problem but they don't get it. they only say that we're lving here without paying on the mortgage. "if i didn't pay my mortgage, i'd get foreclosed on" like this is some kind of friggen joke. we say we went to a lawyer - they tell people we filed bankruptcy. as if anyone has to wonder why we distance ourselves from our families.
so...fast forward again, this time with an empty 401k because mr lawyer wants $10,000 (we're $3k short and making payments for the rest) but mr lawyer says he can get us our house back. even though the mortgage company has sued us to turn the house over. actually, they want us to turn the deed over, too. we can't, of course but that didn't stop them from suing us. mr lawyer says "don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, don't pay on anything, don't do anything." he's gonna get our house back! ( ihope) we have no savings anymore so if we have to move, we're fucked. hubby still isn't working full time - he chose to focus soley on starting his flooring business officially for at least year trying to cash in on not having to pay a mortgage bill. lving paycheck to paycheck would be a welcome thing right now...LOL
i guess if anything has come from this it's that i learned that you need tokeep your eyes open at all times. you need to be educated. ignorance is a shamefull thing..and a painful thing when it comes to losing your home and having to move your 4 children somewhere, anywhere because someone else made a mistake. it's awful. i only hope that i can finish up my associates degree and get a somewhat decent job before the house goes up in smoke, so we won't have to live in my really shitty suburban.
so welcome to my american nightmare. i live in a sweet, little, modest house and i feel as homeless as i would if we did have to live in my truck.
i have to admit, blog, that it feels good telling you this. hubby and i have talked it to death but i just need to get itout, ya know?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
back in school, can't sleep and i want to be a dr?
dear blog,
school started up this past monday. i'm taking 2 classes - short stories and contemporary drama. at this point in my changed college carreer (from nursing to liberal arts) all the classes i need are electives of my choice. sweet!! but summer pickins are slim and although i'm not too interested in contemporary drama - it's not a bad class. i get to read plays aloud and get a little bit of culture. i have decided though that i really like my psychology concentration and when i move on to earn my bachelor's degree it will be in the psychology field. i might even, how dare i even look this far into the future, but i might even shoot for my master's and phd and become a doctor. hmmm...what do you know about them apples....
it's just about hitting 1am and i can't sleep. i haven't actually tried yet but i'm not tired. my #2 daughter is having some drama - not adjusting well to the change in our socio-economic status (read that to mean she needs new jeans and there is just no money to buy them...lol) and last night #1 had issues with her impending graduation present (she's a big harry potter fan and we're taking her to orlando to visit the them part for her gift in lieu of a party). i really have a hard time relating to my girls when they're like this because as a child - i was not allowed to tell my mother i was unhappy with something or allowed to disagree. there was no dialogue, just the back of a hand or a slotted spoon. so needless to say i have no background knowledge on how to have a decent disagreements with my children. how do you raise kids the right way when your role models were shite? it's a huge bone of contention...really.
my cutie pie hubby just woke up so i think i'll end this now and and chat with him a few befre i try to go to bed.
school started up this past monday. i'm taking 2 classes - short stories and contemporary drama. at this point in my changed college carreer (from nursing to liberal arts) all the classes i need are electives of my choice. sweet!! but summer pickins are slim and although i'm not too interested in contemporary drama - it's not a bad class. i get to read plays aloud and get a little bit of culture. i have decided though that i really like my psychology concentration and when i move on to earn my bachelor's degree it will be in the psychology field. i might even, how dare i even look this far into the future, but i might even shoot for my master's and phd and become a doctor. hmmm...what do you know about them apples....
it's just about hitting 1am and i can't sleep. i haven't actually tried yet but i'm not tired. my #2 daughter is having some drama - not adjusting well to the change in our socio-economic status (read that to mean she needs new jeans and there is just no money to buy them...lol) and last night #1 had issues with her impending graduation present (she's a big harry potter fan and we're taking her to orlando to visit the them part for her gift in lieu of a party). i really have a hard time relating to my girls when they're like this because as a child - i was not allowed to tell my mother i was unhappy with something or allowed to disagree. there was no dialogue, just the back of a hand or a slotted spoon. so needless to say i have no background knowledge on how to have a decent disagreements with my children. how do you raise kids the right way when your role models were shite? it's a huge bone of contention...really.
my cutie pie hubby just woke up so i think i'll end this now and and chat with him a few befre i try to go to bed.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
ever re-read what you've written?
dear blog - it's not a good idea to re-read things you've written becuase you usually sound like an idiot and you see the need to delete stuff. what happens when you delete stuff is that you end up deleting that moment of time as well. you don't just get rid of the words, misspellings, idiotic musings - you lose that feeling...that time.
so i woke up in the middle of the night having had a horny dream. TODAY that sounds fkn stupid but apparently the day after it happened it was important enough to me to jot it down. so i spewed a bunch of crap about my mother and sister in an angry tirade (we're still not speaking) - seems silly today to whine like a 12 yr old girl but that day - it meant something to me...enough that i had to write it down.
moral of the story - if you said it once, even if it was in a moment of anger, lust, eupohoric happiness....you probably meant it so don't delete it.
so i woke up in the middle of the night having had a horny dream. TODAY that sounds fkn stupid but apparently the day after it happened it was important enough to me to jot it down. so i spewed a bunch of crap about my mother and sister in an angry tirade (we're still not speaking) - seems silly today to whine like a 12 yr old girl but that day - it meant something to me...enough that i had to write it down.
moral of the story - if you said it once, even if it was in a moment of anger, lust, eupohoric happiness....you probably meant it so don't delete it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
what kind of fuckery is that...?
jensen ackles (aka dean winchester) just got married. oh. my. god. i love him! when i look at him, hear his voice - i just think.."this is the perfect man!"...if there was such a thing. he knows cars (saw him on a youtube vid talking about the impala on some fan circuit thing), he can play guitar and sing (again:saw a vid of him singing and playing guitar) and he's so stinkin' pretty. and tall. and has juicy thighs...and hands. all my favorite parts. mmmm.....
when i heard that jared padalecki (aka sam winchester) got married to "ruby" (don't know her real name) i was like - omg, they're so stinkin' cute together! i love it!
but upon hearing jensen was married - i was so...heartbroken(?).... and i wanted to shoot someone with rock salt. hehe get it? yeah, no you don't. it doesn't feel right for some reason.
and today, i'm googling for pictures of their wedding, just knowing someone leaked them and all i'm finding is that people think he's gay. what?
ok. deep breath.
i don't care if he's gay. who cares? i am highly saddened though that if he is gay, he A) married a girl knowing the marriage wouldn't work out (i've never been able to forgive elton john for being married 3 times knowing the whole time he was gay). and B) how sad that he thought he had to get married to prove his manhood. what kind of world do we live in?
and on top of that...it's only been recently (maybe last year or so) that i realized my sick fascination with dagget and norbert (the angry beavers) and that crazy dream about the 67 camaro breaking down and the angry beavers cumming...err...coming to my rescue were actually just sam and dean (jared and jensen) in the 67 impala. but the angry beavers were way before the winchesters so how could i have known? how could i have dreamt them?
so yes, i wish them all the best. marriage and starting a new life together is so special. i hope they remember their vows when something goes wrong or bad and i hope they're happy. just really happy.
when i heard that jared padalecki (aka sam winchester) got married to "ruby" (don't know her real name) i was like - omg, they're so stinkin' cute together! i love it!
but upon hearing jensen was married - i was so...heartbroken(?).... and i wanted to shoot someone with rock salt. hehe get it? yeah, no you don't. it doesn't feel right for some reason.
and today, i'm googling for pictures of their wedding, just knowing someone leaked them and all i'm finding is that people think he's gay. what?
ok. deep breath.
i don't care if he's gay. who cares? i am highly saddened though that if he is gay, he A) married a girl knowing the marriage wouldn't work out (i've never been able to forgive elton john for being married 3 times knowing the whole time he was gay). and B) how sad that he thought he had to get married to prove his manhood. what kind of world do we live in?
and on top of that...it's only been recently (maybe last year or so) that i realized my sick fascination with dagget and norbert (the angry beavers) and that crazy dream about the 67 camaro breaking down and the angry beavers cumming...err...coming to my rescue were actually just sam and dean (jared and jensen) in the 67 impala. but the angry beavers were way before the winchesters so how could i have known? how could i have dreamt them?
so yes, i wish them all the best. marriage and starting a new life together is so special. i hope they remember their vows when something goes wrong or bad and i hope they're happy. just really happy.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
breaking Breaking Dawn into two movies....?
dear blog,
I had read a little blurb on www.tmz.com (i think) regarding a little turmoil over the new Breaking Dawn movie. Apparently Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green won't do Breaking Dawn unless they get more money. Allegedly the believe they're worth more money than the uber popular Twilight Saga and Summit Entertainment are giving them.
AND....just like Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (cough cough) - Summit, Stephanie Meyer, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, et al have signed off on breaking Breaking Dawn up into two movies. You know....to stretch out Rob Pattinson's and Kristen Stewart's careers.
my thoughts....? well, cutting Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green because you don't want to pay them more money is pretty shitty. Summit replaced red-headed Victoria for whatever reasons but she's not a "vital" character in the movie/book. All you see of her anyway is a flash of curly, firey red hair - the face is just incidental. if you take Emmet and Alice out and replace them with some other face - there's gonna be some shite hitting the proverbial fan. yeah...they have small parts, aren't really THAT important to the story line and all we really wanna see is Edward and Bella get jiggy but they are, afterall, Cullens. You cannot take a Cullen and replace them. Period. Kellen and Ashely are actually, dare I say, talented young people. Summit...give 'em the money and cut the shite. Raping 12 yr old girls...I mean selling dolls and toilet paper of Twilight characters has given you beaucoup bucks. now share it with people who can actually act and not just the ones with pretty hair and immovable facial features.
secondly...breaking the final installment of the series into two movies, just like Harry Potter's last movie, is probably the only way Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will have a well received movie. the twilight movies have obscenely successful for the two. their other movies...not so much. K-Stew is a pretty girl and she can act (better than I can anyway) but every movie I've ever seen her in- she has the same scream, same monotone voice, same body language, etc. She hasn't changed since she was 12 yrs old. and Robert Pattinson - ok...i'm not gonna lie. the boy is freakin' hot. he can sing to me and rock me to sleep any day of the damn week...but again, I've never seen him in anything where he actually knocks my socks off. If he weren't Edward Cullen - he'd be about as obscure as Courtney Love without Kurt Cobain.
although I'd hate to see the Twilight Saga drag on anymore than it has to (it's almost as droll as watching American Idol...which I don't do) I really think the only way...and I mean the ONLY way Rob and K-Stew will have lucrative careers is if they continue to play Edward and Bella until they're 90 years old.
i guess i can't blame stephanie meyer for wanting to milk her twilight saga for all it's worth. I mean, as far as i can see, and after reading her books...she's gonna need to because quite frankly...she fell into shit and came out popular, too.
I had read a little blurb on www.tmz.com (i think) regarding a little turmoil over the new Breaking Dawn movie. Apparently Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green won't do Breaking Dawn unless they get more money. Allegedly the believe they're worth more money than the uber popular Twilight Saga and Summit Entertainment are giving them.
AND....just like Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (cough cough) - Summit, Stephanie Meyer, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, et al have signed off on breaking Breaking Dawn up into two movies. You know....to stretch out Rob Pattinson's and Kristen Stewart's careers.
my thoughts....? well, cutting Kellen Lutz and Ashley Green because you don't want to pay them more money is pretty shitty. Summit replaced red-headed Victoria for whatever reasons but she's not a "vital" character in the movie/book. All you see of her anyway is a flash of curly, firey red hair - the face is just incidental. if you take Emmet and Alice out and replace them with some other face - there's gonna be some shite hitting the proverbial fan. yeah...they have small parts, aren't really THAT important to the story line and all we really wanna see is Edward and Bella get jiggy but they are, afterall, Cullens. You cannot take a Cullen and replace them. Period. Kellen and Ashely are actually, dare I say, talented young people. Summit...give 'em the money and cut the shite. Raping 12 yr old girls...I mean selling dolls and toilet paper of Twilight characters has given you beaucoup bucks. now share it with people who can actually act and not just the ones with pretty hair and immovable facial features.
secondly...breaking the final installment of the series into two movies, just like Harry Potter's last movie, is probably the only way Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will have a well received movie. the twilight movies have obscenely successful for the two. their other movies...not so much. K-Stew is a pretty girl and she can act (better than I can anyway) but every movie I've ever seen her in- she has the same scream, same monotone voice, same body language, etc. She hasn't changed since she was 12 yrs old. and Robert Pattinson - ok...i'm not gonna lie. the boy is freakin' hot. he can sing to me and rock me to sleep any day of the damn week...but again, I've never seen him in anything where he actually knocks my socks off. If he weren't Edward Cullen - he'd be about as obscure as Courtney Love without Kurt Cobain.
although I'd hate to see the Twilight Saga drag on anymore than it has to (it's almost as droll as watching American Idol...which I don't do) I really think the only way...and I mean the ONLY way Rob and K-Stew will have lucrative careers is if they continue to play Edward and Bella until they're 90 years old.
i guess i can't blame stephanie meyer for wanting to milk her twilight saga for all it's worth. I mean, as far as i can see, and after reading her books...she's gonna need to because quite frankly...she fell into shit and came out popular, too.
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