hey blog.
ya know...? i'm not one for wallowing in my own shit. sometimes i do - like a few years back. i'd almost dare anyone on this planet to go through what i did and not crack - at least a little bit. but for the most part when the shit hits the fan and i can't duck in time and i catch a piece of it in my eye - i find i can always find something positive. i might bitch and moan for a minute...throw a cuss word around, maybe kick something but it doesn't take me forever to regain my composure. we take a deep breath and we say "fuck you" to the bad thing and we pick up the pieces (or start over, if need be).
i think there's a post on this blog somewhere about our "american nightmare"...what i call mine and P's version of the american dream. go find it, read it and get some background knowledge. i really don't think it's too much to ask that we own and actually hold the deed to this teeny, tiny, little 0.13 acres of land. P has always busted his ass, working hard to support our family - oft times working two jobs (to be honest, i think he did that cuz he was tired of crying babies and me bitching...lol) when you have to work with your back and not your brain - you work harder but for less money. i'd challenge ANYONE who would dare say otherwise about my P! but despite that...we've never been close to touching "middle class" - even on our tippy toes.
but this....this little house on 0.13 acres of land was ours. we worked hard for it!!! nothing has been given to us, we haven't inherited any land, any money, any anything (but really fkd up genetic BS). it's not taken for granted. P and i lived in his firebird for a week in the parking lot in front of the auto parts store. i didn't take the damn trailers for granted. i do have to wonder what i'm being punished for for THIS to happen though.
i feel like i'm gonna start whining...lol but i've been awake since 6:45yesterday morning. it's nearly 6am. i'm exhausted. i feel like i've been kicked in the balls. i feel like i've been dangling from the ledge of a 500 story building and some douchehat is stomping on my fingers. i think this one is gonna take me more than a minute to get over and move on from. :o/ if this spewing of my bruised and battered heart seems all over the place, it's probably because it is.
i got a call from our lawyer this morning.
months ago he told us that there was a huge chance everything was going to be ok. ok, if you say so (as i write another check for $5k). then P got laid off and almost simultaneously things took a funky turn with the house. don't pay the mortgage he says. don't pay the taxes. don't do anything. (as we empty our itty bitty 401k and write him another check). you guys were SO wronged. This is unheard of. Lawyers don't have of copies of the paperwork (lawyers make copies of copies), and oh...the title company. bad people. LS - fucking satan!! lawsuit number 2...them versus us.
we've lived the last year of our lives in this uncertainty - this fog i guess. maybe a fairytale fog. a bubble of - the real world is out there and we're in here protected by our attorney. i know better than to believe anybody. *I* knew better. i said we need a planB. ok, P says. months fly by and screw living pay check to paycheck, we're living day to friggen day and no plan B. today - no plan B.
under this false sense of security we've been lax. i admit it whole-heartedly. we purposefully let new goals (continuing education = more $$, right?) take the place of making sure the roof stays over our head. lax in heartily looking for a job. taking advantage of the decades of money put INTO the system and finally collecting unemployment. taking advantage of a second chance at a college education. taking advantage, for ONCE, of not having to pay rent or a mortgage. ::::sigh::::: oh, mr K.
mr K told me today that he's not optimistic that we'll get to keep our house. through no fault of ours - that's why you hire lawyers...to make sure the paperwork is in order. to make sure it's filed with the county. people buy houses every damn day and lawyers take care of the legal stuff. except here. i still remember the day i drove so fast over here, hoping i'd get to swipe the "sold" sign before the realtor came to get it. maybe that's why i'm being punished.
i wanted the "sold" sign. fucking greedy tammy.
mr K and these "negotiations"...he requested we get the house for half of what it's worth and with a 5% interest rate BECAUSE WE WERE SO WRONGED!! we filled out the financial papers. whoopsy - no one in this house has an income. yeah - they're gonna go for that, huh? not. so now, mr k says we go on the OFFENSIVE instead of the DEFENSIVE. they're suing us left and flippin' right and we're blocking the kicks to the ass. now it's time for someone else who got paid lots of money for title insurance, and closing costs and such, to answer to "what. the. fuck." whoopsy again - can't find him/them.
but we're on the offensive now (after another $3,500). i wish i had thought of asking for punitive damages...the thought of the "sold" sign flashes through my mind. this offensive tactic will afford us probably another 6-12 months living in my forever house. and then we have to move. we have to move and we have no plan b. no way to make a plan b. no way to subsidize aplan b. no resources to even plan to plan a plan b. at this point - i want to crawl in my bed, turn my fan on high, pull the covers up over my head and stay there. forever.
my fairytale fog has been cleared away by a lack of optimism by mr k. ignorance IS bliss. MY fairytale ignorance was blissful... and i just wanted to finish college without having to get a job..ya know...wait til i can work with my brain and not my hands. perhaps i want too much?
right after christmas - *I* will make a plan B. i have no idea how to. it's not supposed to be my job. but i'll do it - i just want to wait til after christmas.
(i guess that's a good sign that i won't stay under my covers forever if i think about eventually having a plan b). now, i will go cry myself to sleep. hopefully. mmmmmmm....hope is a beautiful word.
i love you blog. i don't think i'd have the strength to even think about finding hope. you're the best!!
hmmm...now that i got this off my chest and heart, i'll probably delete it in the morning...or night.....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
how do i condense such a jam packed week?
i can't. no condensing is possible. i'll try but you'll miss out on all the fun stuff.
hey blog!!
so i got back from a week spent in las vegas on saturday. totally amazing. pictures and words aren't enough to describe this past week. i missed out on $300 (overbooked airline wanted to buy out seats but like a dip i got lost in the airport and missed out. told hubby i'd have done it...lol). i won $1,000 though. pretty amazing. i think las vegas should be called the city that never sleeps. spent time with my bio-dad and half sister. that was pretty neat. i don't really know these people but we all just got along so well. i saw the jersey boys (a play about frankie valli and the four seasons) and the blue man group. what absolutely amazing shows!!! i'd see the BMG a second time, that's how great they were. i'm a sucker for drums i guess. dinner for 5 people never came in at under $300 no matter what we ate. they didn't ever try to contain costs though. they couldn't understand me wanting to hold on to my $1,000 either...lol i came home with $600 of it - pretty damn good considering i left NY with $140.
got my hair done today. now i'm as pretty as i am hot!! (bragging and complaining...lol)
had a shirt debacle today at target. i'm really pissed and the flusterization of having to change in my truck made me have a hot flash (and not in a good way) and it took forever to cool down. but little did i realize that the $2 clearance tshirt at target i had to change into cuz of the black fuzzies that ended up on my other white shirt from the jacket i tried on would be completely see through in the rain. what. the. so to be having a hot flash and needing to wear my jacket cuz of the see thru shirt....nice! not. (well, yeah, it was)
and on a side note: im in awe of people who can blog about one topic at a time. i can't do that. i don't understand the concept. lol
found a dear, old friend on facebook today. i am SO happy!! i feel like a teenager! lol i can't wait to call her tomorrow so we can catch up!
well, i'm gonna go eat some cashews and lay down. 6:45 comes early when 2am is your bedtime.
and what happens in chicago - stays in chicago!! got fricken lost. lost my mind. mind your manners. miss manners. mississippi. mississippi queen. queen of england. english muffin. down on the muffin. okay - really time to go now...lolol
hey blog!!
so i got back from a week spent in las vegas on saturday. totally amazing. pictures and words aren't enough to describe this past week. i missed out on $300 (overbooked airline wanted to buy out seats but like a dip i got lost in the airport and missed out. told hubby i'd have done it...lol). i won $1,000 though. pretty amazing. i think las vegas should be called the city that never sleeps. spent time with my bio-dad and half sister. that was pretty neat. i don't really know these people but we all just got along so well. i saw the jersey boys (a play about frankie valli and the four seasons) and the blue man group. what absolutely amazing shows!!! i'd see the BMG a second time, that's how great they were. i'm a sucker for drums i guess. dinner for 5 people never came in at under $300 no matter what we ate. they didn't ever try to contain costs though. they couldn't understand me wanting to hold on to my $1,000 either...lol i came home with $600 of it - pretty damn good considering i left NY with $140.
got my hair done today. now i'm as pretty as i am hot!! (bragging and complaining...lol)
had a shirt debacle today at target. i'm really pissed and the flusterization of having to change in my truck made me have a hot flash (and not in a good way) and it took forever to cool down. but little did i realize that the $2 clearance tshirt at target i had to change into cuz of the black fuzzies that ended up on my other white shirt from the jacket i tried on would be completely see through in the rain. what. the. so to be having a hot flash and needing to wear my jacket cuz of the see thru shirt....nice! not. (well, yeah, it was)
and on a side note: im in awe of people who can blog about one topic at a time. i can't do that. i don't understand the concept. lol
found a dear, old friend on facebook today. i am SO happy!! i feel like a teenager! lol i can't wait to call her tomorrow so we can catch up!
well, i'm gonna go eat some cashews and lay down. 6:45 comes early when 2am is your bedtime.
and what happens in chicago - stays in chicago!! got fricken lost. lost my mind. mind your manners. miss manners. mississippi. mississippi queen. queen of england. english muffin. down on the muffin. okay - really time to go now...lolol
Thursday, September 23, 2010
everyone knows i'm in over my head
do you like it when i sing to you blog? i don't know all the words but i am in over my head.
this afternoon has been the most ass-kickingest afternoon and it started last night.
first, let me start off by saying that i'm taking 16 credits this semester. I could have continued to go part time and i would have finished my associates degree in May. But I didn't want to wait - I'm impatient. I've been working on my associates since January 2006 - between....well, between everything (and I mean EVERY) that has tried to trip me up. So I wanna be done. NOW! Enter full course load. Enter being over my head. I can't be a wife (be a GOOD wife) and be a mother (be a GOOD mother), run a house and be a full time college student. It's hard. It's harder than I thought it was going to be. I know people do it all the time, some do it without the help of a partner but I am overwhelmed. Add to the mix my anatomy 'stuff' and I'm falling apart. I won't give up and i will persevere but I don't mind saying that I'm over my friggen head.
Part of it is staying up until 2-2:30am (yes, I said AM) getting school work done. There seems to be more of it than there are hours in the day. So my shitty afternoon started last night - err...this morning. It was 1:30am and I'm 16 questions in on a 20 question abnormal psych quiz. i'm really reaching for this stuff...I mean, I don't even remember reading this stuff and it's on the quiz? well, I answer question #16 and BAM! blackboard goes out. ummm...what just happened? don't do this. not now! oh. my. gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! 1:30am.
okay - fk it. i'm going to bed. Then I can't stay sleeping cuz I ate something. what? what did i eat? oh, i ate a flippin' milky way candy bar. you rotten mother f...... then i'm up at 6:30 cuz the girls were arguing or talking loudly or whatever (small house). fast forward - i get ahold of psych teacher and she says, it's ok. blackboard has my test "in progress" so go finish it. whew, ok! somehow i pull an 80 out of my ass crack and i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i email the teach, tell her i'm done. crack a joke about how i answered hypothalamus and not thalamus and please tell me what the answer it so i don't go nuts and she replies saying we don't have your test. what? what!! meditate a bit - huge pain behind my left eye but i ignore it. ok. tammy, what do big girls now? besides eat a gallon of ice cream.
i go back to blackboard - check out philosophy, say something clever and witty on the discussion board and head on over to critical thinking. there is this guy named heath who is a fkn know it all. yeah, we get it big guy - you're alpha male, god's gift to online critical thinking classes everywhere but stop picking on MY posts and telling me what *I'M* doing wrong and... I don't know...just work on your own shit. then this ...person (i don't know what gender ianthe is) gets fkn snarky with a comment i made on his/her argument example. what. the. fuck. i wasn't rude, didn't call him/her stupid. i just did what our assignment is and that is after you make an argument example, you "judge" your classmates on theirs. do you think they did it right? what do you think is missing? stuff like that. First I said that I though A was good and her premise for A was good but her second premise was relative and it cant be backed up with studies just opinion. as i continue on down the message board via blackboard i notice - hey! i'm doing this wrong. i'm getting ahead of myself and we're just supposed to do THIS...not THIS and THAT. so i go back up to her/his post and say just that. Well don't you know it, i stuck a fork in her/his eye and he/she gets snarky. fuck you ianthe!! you're a douche bag. so to make matters worse, of course, i snarkily say back to IT that she shouldn't take the criticism personally and i'm only doing what 20 something other people are doing so go rag on them. as soon as i clicked submit i thought better of it and i'll just invite ianthe to a bar and kick her/his ass the old fashioned way - screw computers!! but nope - can't delete, retract, move, anything. so again - fk it! i give. thursday, you had kicked me in the nuts too many times. i'm going to school now.
then P tells me i need to leave early to get gas in the truck. what? i'm already late, are you serious? i text my teacher and tell her i'll be late, grab my stuff and head out the door. i get to the gas station, pay for my gas and a piece of taffy and head out the door. no friggin' lie - i got in my truck and took off. i didn't pump the gas. just thought i'd put $20 on pump 7 and let someone else use the gas. thankfully, i was able to turn around quickly enough to get back to the pump and not lose my gas or the $20.
so that's been my stupid, ugly, rotten day.
but i did come home to the sweetest little note on my pillow (written by daddy, dictated by little S) and it made my heart swell up with so much love. so my ass is sore from getting it kicked all day long...but what an absolute treasure my family is.
i am surrendering to thursday (at almost 11pm...wtf?). i will go to the bathroom. i will go lay down on my bed. and i will (hopefully) sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.
nitey nite!
this afternoon has been the most ass-kickingest afternoon and it started last night.
first, let me start off by saying that i'm taking 16 credits this semester. I could have continued to go part time and i would have finished my associates degree in May. But I didn't want to wait - I'm impatient. I've been working on my associates since January 2006 - between....well, between everything (and I mean EVERY) that has tried to trip me up. So I wanna be done. NOW! Enter full course load. Enter being over my head. I can't be a wife (be a GOOD wife) and be a mother (be a GOOD mother), run a house and be a full time college student. It's hard. It's harder than I thought it was going to be. I know people do it all the time, some do it without the help of a partner but I am overwhelmed. Add to the mix my anatomy 'stuff' and I'm falling apart. I won't give up and i will persevere but I don't mind saying that I'm over my friggen head.
Part of it is staying up until 2-2:30am (yes, I said AM) getting school work done. There seems to be more of it than there are hours in the day. So my shitty afternoon started last night - err...this morning. It was 1:30am and I'm 16 questions in on a 20 question abnormal psych quiz. i'm really reaching for this stuff...I mean, I don't even remember reading this stuff and it's on the quiz? well, I answer question #16 and BAM! blackboard goes out. ummm...what just happened? don't do this. not now! oh. my. gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! 1:30am.
okay - fk it. i'm going to bed. Then I can't stay sleeping cuz I ate something. what? what did i eat? oh, i ate a flippin' milky way candy bar. you rotten mother f...... then i'm up at 6:30 cuz the girls were arguing or talking loudly or whatever (small house). fast forward - i get ahold of psych teacher and she says, it's ok. blackboard has my test "in progress" so go finish it. whew, ok! somehow i pull an 80 out of my ass crack and i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i email the teach, tell her i'm done. crack a joke about how i answered hypothalamus and not thalamus and please tell me what the answer it so i don't go nuts and she replies saying we don't have your test. what? what!! meditate a bit - huge pain behind my left eye but i ignore it. ok. tammy, what do big girls now? besides eat a gallon of ice cream.
i go back to blackboard - check out philosophy, say something clever and witty on the discussion board and head on over to critical thinking. there is this guy named heath who is a fkn know it all. yeah, we get it big guy - you're alpha male, god's gift to online critical thinking classes everywhere but stop picking on MY posts and telling me what *I'M* doing wrong and... I don't know...just work on your own shit. then this ...person (i don't know what gender ianthe is) gets fkn snarky with a comment i made on his/her argument example. what. the. fuck. i wasn't rude, didn't call him/her stupid. i just did what our assignment is and that is after you make an argument example, you "judge" your classmates on theirs. do you think they did it right? what do you think is missing? stuff like that. First I said that I though A was good and her premise for A was good but her second premise was relative and it cant be backed up with studies just opinion. as i continue on down the message board via blackboard i notice - hey! i'm doing this wrong. i'm getting ahead of myself and we're just supposed to do THIS...not THIS and THAT. so i go back up to her/his post and say just that. Well don't you know it, i stuck a fork in her/his eye and he/she gets snarky. fuck you ianthe!! you're a douche bag. so to make matters worse, of course, i snarkily say back to IT that she shouldn't take the criticism personally and i'm only doing what 20 something other people are doing so go rag on them. as soon as i clicked submit i thought better of it and i'll just invite ianthe to a bar and kick her/his ass the old fashioned way - screw computers!! but nope - can't delete, retract, move, anything. so again - fk it! i give. thursday, you had kicked me in the nuts too many times. i'm going to school now.
then P tells me i need to leave early to get gas in the truck. what? i'm already late, are you serious? i text my teacher and tell her i'll be late, grab my stuff and head out the door. i get to the gas station, pay for my gas and a piece of taffy and head out the door. no friggin' lie - i got in my truck and took off. i didn't pump the gas. just thought i'd put $20 on pump 7 and let someone else use the gas. thankfully, i was able to turn around quickly enough to get back to the pump and not lose my gas or the $20.
so that's been my stupid, ugly, rotten day.
but i did come home to the sweetest little note on my pillow (written by daddy, dictated by little S) and it made my heart swell up with so much love. so my ass is sore from getting it kicked all day long...but what an absolute treasure my family is.
i am surrendering to thursday (at almost 11pm...wtf?). i will go to the bathroom. i will go lay down on my bed. and i will (hopefully) sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.
nitey nite!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
what a solid sleep will do for you
bonjour blog!
On monday I couldn't quite get into the swing of things. I finished up an essay, did some loose ends for the rest of my classes and then called it quits. I was in bed by 9. Yesterday (Tuesday) I couldn't get in the swing of anything - at all. breathing was ahuge task. I had a drs appt and then I just did stuff - nothing that would cause me any kind of brain usage. besides the general feeling of being sick i had some kind of metal taste in my mouth. yuck!
i hit the sack again by 9p and wouldn't ya know it? i slept so DEEPLY all night long - from 9ish to 7. I usually get around 6hours of sleep a night but until last night, being sick :::deep sigh::: i had forgotten what a deep, restful sleep felt like. i ended up going back to bed this morning when i got little S to school but it felt good. and apparently i needed it or my bed wouldn't have called so loudly.
funky-ass dreams when you're either sick, sleeping deeply or both. so vivid - like i was standing there, no one could see me (if only) and i'm watching this film of these events go by. to me, they were in slow motion (like the dream with the boy with long red hair just bouncing and flowing like a shampoo commercial) but they also seemed so fast. and now that i think about it - last night must have been a hair night - i also dreamt about long, dark hair and getting lost in it. i think it was a guy cuz the hair holder was taller than me but it wasn't sexual at all. it felt like - safe? then i dreamt about my bed in the second hotel in vegas. i think the excalibur is first and then the venetian. i'll get one night in the venetian since i'm leaving friday but the bed. i think i did a fabric softener commercial that time. i flopped down on the bed and it swallowed me up. it did feel strange - like the bed was trying to hold me down but when i struggled, it let me up. then i laid down onit again and it was ok.
i must be having issues with going to vegas alone. hmmm...odd. i like being alone so that's kinda strange. i am having issues with being 2,500 miles away from home with $300. if i'm lucky it'll be $300. my father is paying for lodging and food and one night at a play but the rest is on me. i've been googling around for things to do for free while in vegas and i've found some things. afew museums, a titanic exhibit ($25) and a CSI experience ($30?) but i have to bring home souvenirs. i can't go to las vegas and not bring the kiddos home something. anything. i don't mind walking around for four days, and i have school work to do but yikes. couldn't just ONE person need a damn floor done? gah!
and can i just say that plastic gets a bad rap - or wrap! lolol oh, i crack myself up. i use glass as much as i can, i try not to store anything in plastic, put plastic in the mirowave, i recycle nearly every dang thing but there are times when you need plastic. would you put a glass shampoo bottle in the shower? no. do you have any idea how many time the shampoo gets dropped. imagine the blood and leaking guts if you dropped glass in the shower. and you were alone. not pretty.
well, i guess i'll post this meaningless pile of hoo-ha and try to catch up on my work. only 2.5hours before kids get home and i'm a day and a half behind on school work. i'll just have to get back into my midnight - one am bedtime routine and catch up. but i need a microphone for the argumentative essay. and microsoft(?) to do the voice part. eh - wtf? who cares. i'll get to that when i get to it.
til then - where's my iced tea/sugar free lemonade concoction? ......
On monday I couldn't quite get into the swing of things. I finished up an essay, did some loose ends for the rest of my classes and then called it quits. I was in bed by 9. Yesterday (Tuesday) I couldn't get in the swing of anything - at all. breathing was ahuge task. I had a drs appt and then I just did stuff - nothing that would cause me any kind of brain usage. besides the general feeling of being sick i had some kind of metal taste in my mouth. yuck!
i hit the sack again by 9p and wouldn't ya know it? i slept so DEEPLY all night long - from 9ish to 7. I usually get around 6hours of sleep a night but until last night, being sick :::deep sigh::: i had forgotten what a deep, restful sleep felt like. i ended up going back to bed this morning when i got little S to school but it felt good. and apparently i needed it or my bed wouldn't have called so loudly.
funky-ass dreams when you're either sick, sleeping deeply or both. so vivid - like i was standing there, no one could see me (if only) and i'm watching this film of these events go by. to me, they were in slow motion (like the dream with the boy with long red hair just bouncing and flowing like a shampoo commercial) but they also seemed so fast. and now that i think about it - last night must have been a hair night - i also dreamt about long, dark hair and getting lost in it. i think it was a guy cuz the hair holder was taller than me but it wasn't sexual at all. it felt like - safe? then i dreamt about my bed in the second hotel in vegas. i think the excalibur is first and then the venetian. i'll get one night in the venetian since i'm leaving friday but the bed. i think i did a fabric softener commercial that time. i flopped down on the bed and it swallowed me up. it did feel strange - like the bed was trying to hold me down but when i struggled, it let me up. then i laid down onit again and it was ok.
i must be having issues with going to vegas alone. hmmm...odd. i like being alone so that's kinda strange. i am having issues with being 2,500 miles away from home with $300. if i'm lucky it'll be $300. my father is paying for lodging and food and one night at a play but the rest is on me. i've been googling around for things to do for free while in vegas and i've found some things. afew museums, a titanic exhibit ($25) and a CSI experience ($30?) but i have to bring home souvenirs. i can't go to las vegas and not bring the kiddos home something. anything. i don't mind walking around for four days, and i have school work to do but yikes. couldn't just ONE person need a damn floor done? gah!
and can i just say that plastic gets a bad rap - or wrap! lolol oh, i crack myself up. i use glass as much as i can, i try not to store anything in plastic, put plastic in the mirowave, i recycle nearly every dang thing but there are times when you need plastic. would you put a glass shampoo bottle in the shower? no. do you have any idea how many time the shampoo gets dropped. imagine the blood and leaking guts if you dropped glass in the shower. and you were alone. not pretty.
well, i guess i'll post this meaningless pile of hoo-ha and try to catch up on my work. only 2.5hours before kids get home and i'm a day and a half behind on school work. i'll just have to get back into my midnight - one am bedtime routine and catch up. but i need a microphone for the argumentative essay. and microsoft(?) to do the voice part. eh - wtf? who cares. i'll get to that when i get to it.
til then - where's my iced tea/sugar free lemonade concoction? ......
Thursday, September 16, 2010
sister golden hair
hola blog! i realize that it's been over a week since we've last spoken. i have no excuse. just hard to when i sit at the dining room table - i face outward, my back to the wall but i still don't feel like i'm alone enough. if alone is even the word i want to use.
my favorite version of "beast of burdon" is by far bette midler.
i'm regretting having three online classes. i really am. i go to school for history (topics in salem) but i take philosophy, critical thinking and abnormal psych home, online. it's not structured enough. and even if it were structured - i don't have enough alone time. (there's that word again). i've taken one online class at a time, but three? not sure what i was thinking. i just keep reminding myself - 13 weeks to go. 13 weeks to go.
i guess we've decided that i'll be going to vegas alone. :::sigh::: i really want P to go. :o/ the kids want us both to go. but...he won't go. "it's the responsible thing to do" - as if my going w/o him is irresponsible? no. NO! that's not what he was thinking. it will be fun to spend some fun time with my older sister and my father. we spent all our "spending money" on our summer trip and there's nothing for me to go to vegas with. i told the kids i'll buy one tshirt that says 'my mom went to vegas and all i got was this tshirt'.... and they have to share it...lolol that's funny right? :o)
so yeah - we've got eddie money 'shakin' on the radio after foghat's 'slowride' and i'm lost in the white lines on the highway. you know you've done that, too. like subconsciously you're just gonna follow those white lines even if they go past your exit. and not for any real reason either. it's just one of those of things - like staring off into space when people have their hand in your face, snapping their fingers. good thing there are four exits that i can take to get to our house. haha!
i was thinking about what a bad rap plastic gets. some stuff just comes in plastic, no matter how damn green you try to be. i don't like plastic. i don't like the things i hear about plastics (likein the microwave) but i can't find rice in glass baggies. i haven't seen 5 gallon water jugs in glass. even cereal comes in a plastic bag - surrounded by recyclable cardboard. i hope it's one of those things that don't end up being as bad 'they' tout them to be.
well, i guess you can see now why i haven't been on here much to talk to you blog. i have nothing to say. just blech! i'm gonna go pee then go to bed. 6:45 comes early.
nitey nite!
my favorite version of "beast of burdon" is by far bette midler.
i'm regretting having three online classes. i really am. i go to school for history (topics in salem) but i take philosophy, critical thinking and abnormal psych home, online. it's not structured enough. and even if it were structured - i don't have enough alone time. (there's that word again). i've taken one online class at a time, but three? not sure what i was thinking. i just keep reminding myself - 13 weeks to go. 13 weeks to go.
i guess we've decided that i'll be going to vegas alone. :::sigh::: i really want P to go. :o/ the kids want us both to go. but...he won't go. "it's the responsible thing to do" - as if my going w/o him is irresponsible? no. NO! that's not what he was thinking. it will be fun to spend some fun time with my older sister and my father. we spent all our "spending money" on our summer trip and there's nothing for me to go to vegas with. i told the kids i'll buy one tshirt that says 'my mom went to vegas and all i got was this tshirt'.... and they have to share it...lolol that's funny right? :o)
so yeah - we've got eddie money 'shakin' on the radio after foghat's 'slowride' and i'm lost in the white lines on the highway. you know you've done that, too. like subconsciously you're just gonna follow those white lines even if they go past your exit. and not for any real reason either. it's just one of those of things - like staring off into space when people have their hand in your face, snapping their fingers. good thing there are four exits that i can take to get to our house. haha!
i was thinking about what a bad rap plastic gets. some stuff just comes in plastic, no matter how damn green you try to be. i don't like plastic. i don't like the things i hear about plastics (likein the microwave) but i can't find rice in glass baggies. i haven't seen 5 gallon water jugs in glass. even cereal comes in a plastic bag - surrounded by recyclable cardboard. i hope it's one of those things that don't end up being as bad 'they' tout them to be.
well, i guess you can see now why i haven't been on here much to talk to you blog. i have nothing to say. just blech! i'm gonna go pee then go to bed. 6:45 comes early.
nitey nite!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
house projects that don't include the house....
ciao blog!
since our housing status is in limbo right now (time is on our side - keep saying it long enough and eventually you'll believe it) i've been trying to do home projects that i could take with us if need be. the roof - i can't take with. the shower walls - can't come with. so i'm left with this creative energy that i can't express.
on my list of things of to do was removing the "wall" that P put up to split up the master bedroom into a bedroom and hallway. that came down and i put the church door screen there as a wall. looks awesome!
we made little S a daybed. i have to finish that up by painting the outside side piece and making some kind of cushion thingy (think the front of the arm of a couch) - too many scratches from the wood. bed looks great though!
in mid-project right now is the desk/shelving unit. i finally found 2 matching bookshelves ($20 on morey park rd) and we used the last church door as the table top. i need P to miter the paperboard crown moulding and find two pieces of something to use a backer board which is really going to look like a wall when you're in the livingroom. i went back to home depot to see if i could get more of that $20 bead board for $5 and it was all gone. bummer. i want to paint the whole unit one solid color so it looks like a real built in unit but P thinks painting the fake wood bookshelves is a bad idea (the paint won't adhere). and now, we're split down the middle - do we keep the back OFF the unit so you can see through the desk and into the LR or do we put the wood on the back so it blocks the LR. i also need to make a message center for the backside of one of the shelf units that faces inward. it'll look awesome when i'm done though.
i think next i'm going to paint the kitchen cabinets. normally i wouldn't do such a thing. you just don't paint real wood. gah! but these 4 bottom cupboards and 1 drawer unit aren't real wood. they're particle something or other and they don't care if they get painted. i need a funkyish design and some cheap paint. walmart had some paints for $3-$5 that were miscolored, but we were working on little S's bed and the paint had to wait andnow it's gone.
the bathroom. ugh. i can't even think about it right now. it needs a new roof, ceiling, shower walls, hot/cold/shower mechanism thingys...the ones that are BEHIND the shower wall, hell..i need a whole new bathroom (not exaggerating?).
the garage/storage/girls bedrooms really need an overhaul. we were in a rush to move in so we (read that to mean HE...lol) didn't really do things the way *I* would have liked them...since i'm the mom and the maid, etc. so in a dream world - the whole thing gets ripped apart and *I* get to start over.
but/...since the hot water tank shite to bed and it took more resources than were available - all projects are on hold until further notice. thanks hot water tank. you ass.
and you're right. that has nothing to do with nothing. i'm wasting space.
ha!
since our housing status is in limbo right now (time is on our side - keep saying it long enough and eventually you'll believe it) i've been trying to do home projects that i could take with us if need be. the roof - i can't take with. the shower walls - can't come with. so i'm left with this creative energy that i can't express.
on my list of things of to do was removing the "wall" that P put up to split up the master bedroom into a bedroom and hallway. that came down and i put the church door screen there as a wall. looks awesome!
we made little S a daybed. i have to finish that up by painting the outside side piece and making some kind of cushion thingy (think the front of the arm of a couch) - too many scratches from the wood. bed looks great though!
in mid-project right now is the desk/shelving unit. i finally found 2 matching bookshelves ($20 on morey park rd) and we used the last church door as the table top. i need P to miter the paperboard crown moulding and find two pieces of something to use a backer board which is really going to look like a wall when you're in the livingroom. i went back to home depot to see if i could get more of that $20 bead board for $5 and it was all gone. bummer. i want to paint the whole unit one solid color so it looks like a real built in unit but P thinks painting the fake wood bookshelves is a bad idea (the paint won't adhere). and now, we're split down the middle - do we keep the back OFF the unit so you can see through the desk and into the LR or do we put the wood on the back so it blocks the LR. i also need to make a message center for the backside of one of the shelf units that faces inward. it'll look awesome when i'm done though.
i think next i'm going to paint the kitchen cabinets. normally i wouldn't do such a thing. you just don't paint real wood. gah! but these 4 bottom cupboards and 1 drawer unit aren't real wood. they're particle something or other and they don't care if they get painted. i need a funkyish design and some cheap paint. walmart had some paints for $3-$5 that were miscolored, but we were working on little S's bed and the paint had to wait andnow it's gone.
the bathroom. ugh. i can't even think about it right now. it needs a new roof, ceiling, shower walls, hot/cold/shower mechanism thingys...the ones that are BEHIND the shower wall, hell..i need a whole new bathroom (not exaggerating?).
the garage/storage/girls bedrooms really need an overhaul. we were in a rush to move in so we (read that to mean HE...lol) didn't really do things the way *I* would have liked them...since i'm the mom and the maid, etc. so in a dream world - the whole thing gets ripped apart and *I* get to start over.
but/...since the hot water tank shite to bed and it took more resources than were available - all projects are on hold until further notice. thanks hot water tank. you ass.
and you're right. that has nothing to do with nothing. i'm wasting space.
ha!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
epiphanies and three way mirrors....
hola blog!
i am, by nature or nurture, a tshirt and jeans girl. i am also a big girl (read that to mean 'overweight'). at one point in my life i weighed 300lbs. yeah. right? i've lost a lot of weight, got sick and lost some more...then i got healthy(er) and gained a little bit back. i'm holding steady where i am and i'm happy with that (at least right now - eating to lose weight is so far down on my list of things to do...that'll be another blog). but having been as big as i was, my body is in a funky position. it's too gross for me to talk about...LOL it seems all my excess weight/skin is in my abdomen. i hate it and it's the bane of my existence. in fact, i'm currently saving up for a tummy tuck (i have $3.27 out of the $20,000 i will need...lol)
yeah, so what..? what does that have to do with the price of eggs in china? nothing, really. but while i was at the mall with my daughters yesterday i caught sight of myself in quite a few full length mirrors. i've seen myself before. i have a full length mirror on my bedroom door. i've been shopping. i know i'm a meaty woman. but yesterday...wearing denim shorts and a white tshirt (which is odd because 98% of my tshirts are black...lol) i saw this....ickyness. thinner arms and legs and a big belly. ugh! i'm not hating on myself, really i'm not. i just think my eyes got opened - i don't know - maybe yesterday was epiphany day.
i've been adding some clothes to my jeans and tshirts now and then for when i'm a "professional" but finding full figured clothes at thrift stores is a nightmare (i am NOT 90 yrs old, just fluffy) and really...there are two kinds of clothing styles for big girls...old lady granny stuff or really super slutty stuff. or you have your designers that will take a thinner woman's and just add more fabric not taking into account that our bodies are different in more ways than just size.
i bought a top/shirt at target at the beginning of summer...when S was graduating high school and J was graduating middle school. it was $2.48 and black. i couldn't pass it up. i couldn't pass it up but i never wore it. i was rummaging through my closet today because all i could see in my head was the full length 3 way mirror images. grrrrr...
okay!! so i grab a pair of jeans and rolled up the cuffs and grabbed this shirt. as i take the tag off i notice something. omg. o.m.g. it's a maternity shirt. yikes!! :::sigh:::: okay, well...i'm determined to NOT wear a tshirt today so i threw it on and walked out into the livingroom.
and what do i hear? wow - that looks good on you! where are you going mom? nice! .....wow...not what i expected but i like it. the shirt stays. best part is that it doesn't look maternity...it's cute...and flattering. no one but me knows it's maternity. i even made a point to look at myself in the three way mirrors while we were at target getting my meds. dang girl - that IS really nice!!!
so to carry on from yesterday's epiphany day - because of my body shape (being really heavy, losing weight, gaining wieght, losing weight and having no abdominal muscles whatsoever) - maternity clothes (tops specifically) are flattering on me. i mean, of course, i have to find the ones that don't say "baby on board"...LOL
but it was so nice to try on clothes (maternity or otherwise) that were flattering and didn't accentuate my err...curves (aka muffin top). and nothing granny and nothing slutty. just don't start rumors and tell people i'm pregnant if you catch me shopping in the maternity section at target. (lol)
i am, by nature or nurture, a tshirt and jeans girl. i am also a big girl (read that to mean 'overweight'). at one point in my life i weighed 300lbs. yeah. right? i've lost a lot of weight, got sick and lost some more...then i got healthy(er) and gained a little bit back. i'm holding steady where i am and i'm happy with that (at least right now - eating to lose weight is so far down on my list of things to do...that'll be another blog). but having been as big as i was, my body is in a funky position. it's too gross for me to talk about...LOL it seems all my excess weight/skin is in my abdomen. i hate it and it's the bane of my existence. in fact, i'm currently saving up for a tummy tuck (i have $3.27 out of the $20,000 i will need...lol)
yeah, so what..? what does that have to do with the price of eggs in china? nothing, really. but while i was at the mall with my daughters yesterday i caught sight of myself in quite a few full length mirrors. i've seen myself before. i have a full length mirror on my bedroom door. i've been shopping. i know i'm a meaty woman. but yesterday...wearing denim shorts and a white tshirt (which is odd because 98% of my tshirts are black...lol) i saw this....ickyness. thinner arms and legs and a big belly. ugh! i'm not hating on myself, really i'm not. i just think my eyes got opened - i don't know - maybe yesterday was epiphany day.
i've been adding some clothes to my jeans and tshirts now and then for when i'm a "professional" but finding full figured clothes at thrift stores is a nightmare (i am NOT 90 yrs old, just fluffy) and really...there are two kinds of clothing styles for big girls...old lady granny stuff or really super slutty stuff. or you have your designers that will take a thinner woman's and just add more fabric not taking into account that our bodies are different in more ways than just size.
i bought a top/shirt at target at the beginning of summer...when S was graduating high school and J was graduating middle school. it was $2.48 and black. i couldn't pass it up. i couldn't pass it up but i never wore it. i was rummaging through my closet today because all i could see in my head was the full length 3 way mirror images. grrrrr...
okay!! so i grab a pair of jeans and rolled up the cuffs and grabbed this shirt. as i take the tag off i notice something. omg. o.m.g. it's a maternity shirt. yikes!! :::sigh:::: okay, well...i'm determined to NOT wear a tshirt today so i threw it on and walked out into the livingroom.
and what do i hear? wow - that looks good on you! where are you going mom? nice! .....wow...not what i expected but i like it. the shirt stays. best part is that it doesn't look maternity...it's cute...and flattering. no one but me knows it's maternity. i even made a point to look at myself in the three way mirrors while we were at target getting my meds. dang girl - that IS really nice!!!
so to carry on from yesterday's epiphany day - because of my body shape (being really heavy, losing weight, gaining wieght, losing weight and having no abdominal muscles whatsoever) - maternity clothes (tops specifically) are flattering on me. i mean, of course, i have to find the ones that don't say "baby on board"...LOL
but it was so nice to try on clothes (maternity or otherwise) that were flattering and didn't accentuate my err...curves (aka muffin top). and nothing granny and nothing slutty. just don't start rumors and tell people i'm pregnant if you catch me shopping in the maternity section at target. (lol)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
and the bad mama award goes to......
i severely screwed up today. well, i didn't screw up today...i've been screwing up. it's just that during a...umm...loud discussion with the 16 yr old, hearing my words bounce off her and back at me....i realized what i've done. what i and i alone have created.
my sweet hubby and i differ a lot on parenting the kids...he says i've allowed too much dialogue with them (specifically the 16 & 18 yr old) and that when i get sassed back at - it's because of that dialogue. the girls don't know their limits and they push the envelope. and they do. i admit it. (don't all kids...isn't that what they're supposed to do?) but.....our kids are good kids. they are good, respectful kids though, i didn't fk up somewhere along the line. but omg, those 2 girls give me one helluva time though...and the 16 yr old especially. so shy and quiet and then BOOM!!!!! she changes on a dime. i don't understand how four kids can be born of the same parents, raised by the same parents in the same exact way and one be so....soo...soooooo.....grrrrr.....
the allowing of dialogue grew from my highly oppressed and abusive childhood. from as early as i can remember i grew up getting a back-hand, belt, slotted spoon, a boot once - whatever was handy, right across the face to make me shut up if i disagreed with something my mother said or did. SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!! i barely ever got a word in and i'm sure i was no different than any other kid hating bathtime, bed time, putting my toys away, etc but i didn't have your run of the mill mother either (my mother and my brother M have/had the same kind of fits that T has, severe, over the top, violent temper tantrums. i've taken T to two shrinks and her pediatrician and they all say nothing is wrong with her other than regular teenage angst). the smackdowns my mother gave me didn't change one thing though. i just wanted her to listen to me. just once.
it must have made a huge impact on me because i always told myself that i would listen to my kids no matter what. well, now, i've got two very opinionated teenage daughters who will use most any opportunity to argue with me. but that's the dynamic of our relationship. we yell and fight and then ask "do you want ice cubes in your lemonade?" it's dysfunctional at best. add that to possible mental illness and well...then you've got yourself a party!!
i went to the mall this afternoon and brought S and T. S has her own spending money and i only brought enough money to get little S's school sneakers. T knew this and had the option to stay home because she would be leaving the mall empty handed. nope, she wanted to go. if nothing else, she would boy watch. well, needless to say...by the time we were done at the mall....T was having a meltdown. it was hot. mall was packed (back to school, no doubt) and S wouldn't buy her a pair of shoes. so she's stomping out to the parking lot, i'm lollygagging behind her and when i catch up to her at the truck she says "i'm driving home!" i said no. she says why. i said because i'm hot, i'm tired, i'm starting to feel grumpy and i'm getting a headache behind my left eye and honestly, i'm not in the mood to "watch" you properly. well, holy shit!! i saw the devil himself in her pretty blue eyes. not having found my advil for the headache, i let her have it. it was then that i heard myself ....i heard me telling her what i had done to raise such a bratty child....
since pre-puberty T has had a short temper. her siblings have grown to dislike never knowing when the "monster" is gonna show up. i guess you can call me a bad mother because i often don't want her around me either. nearly every day she has a temper tantrum, throws things at people, pushes people, calls names, hits, yells....her tirades go beyond that open line of communication i was speaking of earlier. i'd rather she went to her friends house so i dont have to deal with her attitude and bipolar disorder. it was in sarcastically telling her that she was right - i'm deliberately keeping her from driving because i like everyone better than her.... that's why i said she could never have her belly button pierced....but later on (after weeks of temper tantrums and begging) i said she could if she went to work with her dad on a floor job(just to get her out of my hair). i said she was grounded for a week...but two days later let her go to her friends house (just to get her out of my hair). i stopped . dead, right there. what. what. what. are you doing?
somewhere along the line i didn't mean what i said, or say what i meant and i've created this girl who knows....she KNOWS it! she knows if she gives me enough shit, enough mouth, enough attitude...i will let her off the hook...just to save myself another fight and another headache.
i guess...in my defense, she really is a problem child...not that it's a defense. i suck. but she is a prettier version of my brother. the brother who put a meat thermometer in the flame on the stove and put it on my arm just to see what it would do (i still have the scar). she's never done anything that vicious but neither of her sisters or her brother even like her because of her hateful fits.
my problem now is...how do i change this thing i've created. in 2 years she'll be going into the military (if that plan doesn't change) and i'm going to be letting a monster loose. but please, please don't get me wrong. i love her with all my heart! she's my baby girl, my tater tot and when she's not in psycho mode, she can be the sweetest, most loving, caring girl in the world. (just wish i knew when psycho-mode was gonna hit)
and it all started so innocently. i wanted dialogue. :::sigh:::
my sweet hubby and i differ a lot on parenting the kids...he says i've allowed too much dialogue with them (specifically the 16 & 18 yr old) and that when i get sassed back at - it's because of that dialogue. the girls don't know their limits and they push the envelope. and they do. i admit it. (don't all kids...isn't that what they're supposed to do?) but.....our kids are good kids. they are good, respectful kids though, i didn't fk up somewhere along the line. but omg, those 2 girls give me one helluva time though...and the 16 yr old especially. so shy and quiet and then BOOM!!!!! she changes on a dime. i don't understand how four kids can be born of the same parents, raised by the same parents in the same exact way and one be so....soo...soooooo.....grrrrr.....
the allowing of dialogue grew from my highly oppressed and abusive childhood. from as early as i can remember i grew up getting a back-hand, belt, slotted spoon, a boot once - whatever was handy, right across the face to make me shut up if i disagreed with something my mother said or did. SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!! i barely ever got a word in and i'm sure i was no different than any other kid hating bathtime, bed time, putting my toys away, etc but i didn't have your run of the mill mother either (my mother and my brother M have/had the same kind of fits that T has, severe, over the top, violent temper tantrums. i've taken T to two shrinks and her pediatrician and they all say nothing is wrong with her other than regular teenage angst). the smackdowns my mother gave me didn't change one thing though. i just wanted her to listen to me. just once.
it must have made a huge impact on me because i always told myself that i would listen to my kids no matter what. well, now, i've got two very opinionated teenage daughters who will use most any opportunity to argue with me. but that's the dynamic of our relationship. we yell and fight and then ask "do you want ice cubes in your lemonade?" it's dysfunctional at best. add that to possible mental illness and well...then you've got yourself a party!!
i went to the mall this afternoon and brought S and T. S has her own spending money and i only brought enough money to get little S's school sneakers. T knew this and had the option to stay home because she would be leaving the mall empty handed. nope, she wanted to go. if nothing else, she would boy watch. well, needless to say...by the time we were done at the mall....T was having a meltdown. it was hot. mall was packed (back to school, no doubt) and S wouldn't buy her a pair of shoes. so she's stomping out to the parking lot, i'm lollygagging behind her and when i catch up to her at the truck she says "i'm driving home!" i said no. she says why. i said because i'm hot, i'm tired, i'm starting to feel grumpy and i'm getting a headache behind my left eye and honestly, i'm not in the mood to "watch" you properly. well, holy shit!! i saw the devil himself in her pretty blue eyes. not having found my advil for the headache, i let her have it. it was then that i heard myself ....i heard me telling her what i had done to raise such a bratty child....
since pre-puberty T has had a short temper. her siblings have grown to dislike never knowing when the "monster" is gonna show up. i guess you can call me a bad mother because i often don't want her around me either. nearly every day she has a temper tantrum, throws things at people, pushes people, calls names, hits, yells....her tirades go beyond that open line of communication i was speaking of earlier. i'd rather she went to her friends house so i dont have to deal with her attitude and bipolar disorder. it was in sarcastically telling her that she was right - i'm deliberately keeping her from driving because i like everyone better than her.... that's why i said she could never have her belly button pierced....but later on (after weeks of temper tantrums and begging) i said she could if she went to work with her dad on a floor job(just to get her out of my hair). i said she was grounded for a week...but two days later let her go to her friends house (just to get her out of my hair). i stopped . dead, right there. what. what. what. are you doing?
somewhere along the line i didn't mean what i said, or say what i meant and i've created this girl who knows....she KNOWS it! she knows if she gives me enough shit, enough mouth, enough attitude...i will let her off the hook...just to save myself another fight and another headache.
i guess...in my defense, she really is a problem child...not that it's a defense. i suck. but she is a prettier version of my brother. the brother who put a meat thermometer in the flame on the stove and put it on my arm just to see what it would do (i still have the scar). she's never done anything that vicious but neither of her sisters or her brother even like her because of her hateful fits.
my problem now is...how do i change this thing i've created. in 2 years she'll be going into the military (if that plan doesn't change) and i'm going to be letting a monster loose. but please, please don't get me wrong. i love her with all my heart! she's my baby girl, my tater tot and when she's not in psycho mode, she can be the sweetest, most loving, caring girl in the world. (just wish i knew when psycho-mode was gonna hit)
and it all started so innocently. i wanted dialogue. :::sigh:::
Saturday, August 28, 2010
i got spanked.....
hola blog - i took my two oldest daughters to see a rocky horror picture show tonight. P had gone to one years before i met him and told me about the toilet paper throwing (when the actors said "dr scott"), rice throwing (at the wedding scene), holding a newspaper over your head(at the walking through the rain scene) - etc and it seemed like it would be really fun thing to go to and i've wanted to for a really long time. i had the opportunity to get my cherry popped...lol something i'd never think could happen at age 41...lol what happens is if you've never been to one of these interactive shows, you are considered a virginand you stand up on the stage in front of the crowd, bend over with your butt facing the crowd and you get your cheeks walloped with a boat oar. this guys wasn't kidding around either. no little haha love taps - he cracked my ass good. i can only imagine what it would have felt like if i weren't wearing jeans. i have never been spanked with a boat oar and i hope to do it again soon. ;o)
after four days with no hot water - P finally got the project finished today. whew!! cold showers suck!! i could have boiled water on the stove and then taken a warm bath - but baths creep me out so i opted for the cold shower. it seemed like everytime he got one thinng, he needed something else. the unorganized way of taking this thing out and putting it back in and hooking it back up was not intentional. after 19 yrs styles have changed, connections were lower or higher on the new one. just crazy litle things that you didn't expect. that last unexpected item was running to EG for a $1.29 double nipple thing. just really glad to have it over with and so glad that my a/c tubing didn't get cut or damaged. whew. so yippee for hot water!! thanks P for devoting 4 days to this killer project.
i didn't eat today...just picked on non-solid food and, just like i expected, i had a great day (meaning i didn't spend it in the bathroom). i do this when i'm g oing to do be doing something with the family where it would suck for me to keep getting up for bathroom breaks (and it saves me having to see them roll their eyes). i swear if i could figure out how to not eat ever again, i'd do it...i'd do anything. only down fall is that at 2am, just getting home from the show, i'm starving. not good for a person with an eating disorder to be starving especially when she has butt problems when she eats too much (or eats at all). and eating at 2:30am (it's 3:30a now) means i'm gonna be up early and often. grrr...but what can i do. i wanted i ce cream but all i could find close to ice cream was plain greek yogurt. hmmm...yuck. so i squirted some agave nectar in it (had 2 cups) and sprinkled some sesame seeds and dried cranberries in the first and pecans in the second. yeah - that's a triple threat right there. then i found these candy melt things - you paint chocolate candies with them. yummy. bad. had them before. bad. but - i was hungry. i am satiated now though so i can't do anymore damage. but ona side note: definitely try that agave nectar if you haven't. it's supposed to replace sugar or honey or some kinda hooha. i don't see that happening, but it's pretty good. sweet but not killer sweet.
i wasn't too happy with how my drs appointment went the other day. first of all - this is something most people just don't talk about and i imagine have a really hard time bringing it up to their doctors. after what i went through - i can understand why. i kind of self diagnosed myself and will try some things to see if they help/work. i'm also going to switch ob/gyn as this group, who i've been with since before i got pregnant with the baby before Sh, has all changed and apparently is full of complete idiots and really pissed me off. like yeah - after the last 3 years of my life, having been cut open 3 times with 15 scars - i have no idea what my body is telling me (sarcasm). i come to you for help and you suggest that i use vibrators and switch positions. are you fkn kidding me?? i suppose since i'm an overweight woman you probably assume that missionary position would be my favorite because i can't move or that at my age i've never seen, owned or used a vibrator or dildo. you're joking right? i got up and walked out. without giving TMI - my "toybox" is just fine and positions...well - are they inventing anything new cuz well....like i said before, i'm 41.....
well, now that i've eaten one handful of candy melts too much (slow "my tummy is full reaction") and i've got a slight tummyache - or i'm preparing for having one cuz i know what's coming...i'm gonna go to bed at 4:20am and i will dream about being spanked by a strange man in front of a room of over 100 people...nitey nite
after four days with no hot water - P finally got the project finished today. whew!! cold showers suck!! i could have boiled water on the stove and then taken a warm bath - but baths creep me out so i opted for the cold shower. it seemed like everytime he got one thinng, he needed something else. the unorganized way of taking this thing out and putting it back in and hooking it back up was not intentional. after 19 yrs styles have changed, connections were lower or higher on the new one. just crazy litle things that you didn't expect. that last unexpected item was running to EG for a $1.29 double nipple thing. just really glad to have it over with and so glad that my a/c tubing didn't get cut or damaged. whew. so yippee for hot water!! thanks P for devoting 4 days to this killer project.
i didn't eat today...just picked on non-solid food and, just like i expected, i had a great day (meaning i didn't spend it in the bathroom). i do this when i'm g oing to do be doing something with the family where it would suck for me to keep getting up for bathroom breaks (and it saves me having to see them roll their eyes). i swear if i could figure out how to not eat ever again, i'd do it...i'd do anything. only down fall is that at 2am, just getting home from the show, i'm starving. not good for a person with an eating disorder to be starving especially when she has butt problems when she eats too much (or eats at all). and eating at 2:30am (it's 3:30a now) means i'm gonna be up early and often. grrr...but what can i do. i wanted i ce cream but all i could find close to ice cream was plain greek yogurt. hmmm...yuck. so i squirted some agave nectar in it (had 2 cups) and sprinkled some sesame seeds and dried cranberries in the first and pecans in the second. yeah - that's a triple threat right there. then i found these candy melt things - you paint chocolate candies with them. yummy. bad. had them before. bad. but - i was hungry. i am satiated now though so i can't do anymore damage. but ona side note: definitely try that agave nectar if you haven't. it's supposed to replace sugar or honey or some kinda hooha. i don't see that happening, but it's pretty good. sweet but not killer sweet.
i wasn't too happy with how my drs appointment went the other day. first of all - this is something most people just don't talk about and i imagine have a really hard time bringing it up to their doctors. after what i went through - i can understand why. i kind of self diagnosed myself and will try some things to see if they help/work. i'm also going to switch ob/gyn as this group, who i've been with since before i got pregnant with the baby before Sh, has all changed and apparently is full of complete idiots and really pissed me off. like yeah - after the last 3 years of my life, having been cut open 3 times with 15 scars - i have no idea what my body is telling me (sarcasm). i come to you for help and you suggest that i use vibrators and switch positions. are you fkn kidding me?? i suppose since i'm an overweight woman you probably assume that missionary position would be my favorite because i can't move or that at my age i've never seen, owned or used a vibrator or dildo. you're joking right? i got up and walked out. without giving TMI - my "toybox" is just fine and positions...well - are they inventing anything new cuz well....like i said before, i'm 41.....
well, now that i've eaten one handful of candy melts too much (slow "my tummy is full reaction") and i've got a slight tummyache - or i'm preparing for having one cuz i know what's coming...i'm gonna go to bed at 4:20am and i will dream about being spanked by a strange man in front of a room of over 100 people...nitey nite
Monday, August 23, 2010
i want some strange....
just to see if it's me or not. :::sigh/scream:::
hi blog,
so - i begged for a divorce last week. i mean, i really threw it all on the table and just said listen, every silly little argument about wet cell phones or dirty dishes or stupid dogs barking can't have little daggers aimed at my heart. it is slowly killing me and i won't live the next 40 years of my life like this. he can't either. who would want that? what...? til death do us part? not likely if this will go on forever. you know what he said? no. figures...LOL
we're going to vegas in 7 weeks. yippee!! 5 days, all expenses paid - airfare, hotel accommodations, food, limo/taxi...already paid, too - only thing we have to do is bring a toothbrush, clean undies and money to gamble with (which isn't even a big deal cuz i don't gamble). so why do i have this anxiety about leaving my kids for 4.5 days...even when we have their blessing. the kids will kill us if we stay home (their words, not mine). we have little S to consider, the older kids are teenagers - and P is sending off vibes like he's not happy about going...leaving her home. i want to go - a trip of a lifetime!!!! lots of parents, moms too, leave their kids for 4.5 days - it happens all the time. so why can't i go? side note: i won tickets to see this really awesome band once in an unplugged performance at the radio station, front row tix for their concert the following night and you know what happened? P had a heart attack (not a heart attack but it's what i use to describe the myocarditis). i get something good - he sucks it dry like a vampire, i swear!! i love you poohead!! i really, really do!!! lol
i started another blog, kinda tied into this one - same email to sign in, i think. i don't know, really. i didn't want 30 blogs but i wanted a blog to showcase my soapy stuff (hmmm...i like soapy stuff) but i don't want it linked in. i don't want people to read my neurotic often messed up posts here and then look at my soapy stuff and think...no way i'm interestedin that stuff...lol so i have to play with that and see how to ...uhh...play with it.
i'm a little ticked off at a sister in law of mine. i've known her for nearly 22 years - we came into the family at just about the same time. her and i have never, ever had bad words and i've been nothing but supportive when it comes to the tragedy that hit her family recently...trying as hard as i can to be supportive when they won't answer the phone, or hang up when P finally gets through or remove me from facebook when other family members are still on there. i suppose if i had done something, or said something to deserve it i'd be okay with the cold shoulder but i can't for the life of me think of one thing i've done/said to deserve it. i've written to her son telling him how supportive we are of him, sent him a few dollars for incidental stuff i know he needs (cuz of my brother) and i don't get it. and like i said - phone calls go unanswered, "say hi to mom" through her kid on FB get ignored by the kid, too. i even had a stupid dream about it the other night. it's an odd thing. and it's an odd thing that it's bothering me so much. P says she's still in shock over what happened and i can buy that. i agree. but i see other family members still on FB and...i'm not. ::::sigh::::
tht's all i got. nighty nite!! drs in the am...grrr but hopefully a good outcome cuz i miss the 'old' me.
hi blog,
so - i begged for a divorce last week. i mean, i really threw it all on the table and just said listen, every silly little argument about wet cell phones or dirty dishes or stupid dogs barking can't have little daggers aimed at my heart. it is slowly killing me and i won't live the next 40 years of my life like this. he can't either. who would want that? what...? til death do us part? not likely if this will go on forever. you know what he said? no. figures...LOL
we're going to vegas in 7 weeks. yippee!! 5 days, all expenses paid - airfare, hotel accommodations, food, limo/taxi...already paid, too - only thing we have to do is bring a toothbrush, clean undies and money to gamble with (which isn't even a big deal cuz i don't gamble). so why do i have this anxiety about leaving my kids for 4.5 days...even when we have their blessing. the kids will kill us if we stay home (their words, not mine). we have little S to consider, the older kids are teenagers - and P is sending off vibes like he's not happy about going...leaving her home. i want to go - a trip of a lifetime!!!! lots of parents, moms too, leave their kids for 4.5 days - it happens all the time. so why can't i go? side note: i won tickets to see this really awesome band once in an unplugged performance at the radio station, front row tix for their concert the following night and you know what happened? P had a heart attack (not a heart attack but it's what i use to describe the myocarditis). i get something good - he sucks it dry like a vampire, i swear!! i love you poohead!! i really, really do!!! lol
i started another blog, kinda tied into this one - same email to sign in, i think. i don't know, really. i didn't want 30 blogs but i wanted a blog to showcase my soapy stuff (hmmm...i like soapy stuff) but i don't want it linked in. i don't want people to read my neurotic often messed up posts here and then look at my soapy stuff and think...no way i'm interestedin that stuff...lol so i have to play with that and see how to ...uhh...play with it.
i'm a little ticked off at a sister in law of mine. i've known her for nearly 22 years - we came into the family at just about the same time. her and i have never, ever had bad words and i've been nothing but supportive when it comes to the tragedy that hit her family recently...trying as hard as i can to be supportive when they won't answer the phone, or hang up when P finally gets through or remove me from facebook when other family members are still on there. i suppose if i had done something, or said something to deserve it i'd be okay with the cold shoulder but i can't for the life of me think of one thing i've done/said to deserve it. i've written to her son telling him how supportive we are of him, sent him a few dollars for incidental stuff i know he needs (cuz of my brother) and i don't get it. and like i said - phone calls go unanswered, "say hi to mom" through her kid on FB get ignored by the kid, too. i even had a stupid dream about it the other night. it's an odd thing. and it's an odd thing that it's bothering me so much. P says she's still in shock over what happened and i can buy that. i agree. but i see other family members still on FB and...i'm not. ::::sigh::::
tht's all i got. nighty nite!! drs in the am...grrr but hopefully a good outcome cuz i miss the 'old' me.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
a mish mash of really useless stuff...enjoy (lol)
hey blog - we took the kids to lebanon valley tonight - it was a fun night. actually had this woman stop me as we were leaving and say that she sat behind us all night evening long and she was watching how i treated my kids and she thought i was a great mother. whoa! i kinda felt embarrassed. isid thank you, thank you very much, that's so nice of you to say and then i thought - wow, you were watching me? what did i do to catch your attention? yikes.
but it's quite funny because it seems that nearly every night i'm having a fight/argument with S or T. J is a good boy, he never fights with his mommy...lol just tonight, again...i'm arguing with S....over nothing really. she just takes everything i say as an insult and i don't get it. but whatever...a stranger at the racetrack said i was a good mommy...lolol
got a very odd email from one of my sisters in law last night. the one married to the incarcerated brother. my brother, apparently, asked his wife to email me and ask that *I* put aside my differences with my mother and call her tomorrow for her birthday. i was wondering what version of events he heard - hers...or the truth. it doesn't matter, i explained to my SIL that i will not call. i might be wrong, i might be childish, but my heart is sooooo broken and bruised from alifetime of "stuff" from this woman - lessons i learned from her that is so painful to unlearn because i hurt people i love. ::::sigh:::: so no. i won't call.
and i would like to say that i was right!!!! it's such a relief to have figured it all out. for weeks now i've had really bad bellyaches and then i have subsequent really bad "office" trips. i said to myself one day last week that if only i could stop eating.....well i didn't actually STOP eating but i cut way back starting last night and up through this morning. like - i was practically anorexic and my bellyache decreased, the bathroom trips didn't decrease last night (didn't get to go to bed til 2 am) but after only having a 2 inch chunk of banana for b'fast and that's all....well,, to make a short story long.....if i don't eat - i take less opium and i don't ummm...potty as much. of course eating a regular dinner, snacking at the race track etc etc, really proved my point again in that when i eat - i die a painful death...lol so for real..if you have any tips on how i can stop eating i'd really appreciate it if you'd share them. i'd love to stop eating.
i feel bad for the naughty thought i had last night. it's just that there a few things that are my favorite things, things that make me alittle hot under the collar and that was one of them. i didn't do anything...and i wouldn't. but i still felt bad.
i read that CA has put on hold the allowing of gay marriage thing again. i'm so frustrated by this "debate"....by both sides!! i mean really...what gives??
to the gays: if you have found someone to love, and they love you back and you love each other enough to want to get married - does it matter if you have a piece of paper to "prove" it? you already get all theentitlements that straight marriages are entitled to. and why would you want to get married in the first place? don't you read the statistics? more than 50% of marriages end in divorce! why would you set yourself up for failure like that?
and to the anti-gay marriage people: really, why do you care so much if gay people want to get married. with the exception of religious views, which i don't think should count because we all don't follow the same religion - the only reason there is to be against it is hatred....soooo.....so what do we do with all the gay people? put them on an island (like that episode of the twilight zone (eye of the beholder) where all the "ugly" people had to go to)
(really watch the clip if you haven't seen it already - rod serling was soooooo way ahead of his time!!!!!!)
well, wow!! i'm finding that i'm falling asleep sitting her while i blog. either i'm really boring tonight or i'm really tired. maybe i'll be so tired that i'll actually fall asleep and stay asleep and not wake up til tomorrow.
nitey nite blog!!
but it's quite funny because it seems that nearly every night i'm having a fight/argument with S or T. J is a good boy, he never fights with his mommy...lol just tonight, again...i'm arguing with S....over nothing really. she just takes everything i say as an insult and i don't get it. but whatever...a stranger at the racetrack said i was a good mommy...lolol
got a very odd email from one of my sisters in law last night. the one married to the incarcerated brother. my brother, apparently, asked his wife to email me and ask that *I* put aside my differences with my mother and call her tomorrow for her birthday. i was wondering what version of events he heard - hers...or the truth. it doesn't matter, i explained to my SIL that i will not call. i might be wrong, i might be childish, but my heart is sooooo broken and bruised from alifetime of "stuff" from this woman - lessons i learned from her that is so painful to unlearn because i hurt people i love. ::::sigh:::: so no. i won't call.
and i would like to say that i was right!!!! it's such a relief to have figured it all out. for weeks now i've had really bad bellyaches and then i have subsequent really bad "office" trips. i said to myself one day last week that if only i could stop eating.....well i didn't actually STOP eating but i cut way back starting last night and up through this morning. like - i was practically anorexic and my bellyache decreased, the bathroom trips didn't decrease last night (didn't get to go to bed til 2 am) but after only having a 2 inch chunk of banana for b'fast and that's all....well,, to make a short story long.....if i don't eat - i take less opium and i don't ummm...potty as much. of course eating a regular dinner, snacking at the race track etc etc, really proved my point again in that when i eat - i die a painful death...lol so for real..if you have any tips on how i can stop eating i'd really appreciate it if you'd share them. i'd love to stop eating.
i feel bad for the naughty thought i had last night. it's just that there a few things that are my favorite things, things that make me alittle hot under the collar and that was one of them. i didn't do anything...and i wouldn't. but i still felt bad.
i read that CA has put on hold the allowing of gay marriage thing again. i'm so frustrated by this "debate"....by both sides!! i mean really...what gives??
to the gays: if you have found someone to love, and they love you back and you love each other enough to want to get married - does it matter if you have a piece of paper to "prove" it? you already get all theentitlements that straight marriages are entitled to. and why would you want to get married in the first place? don't you read the statistics? more than 50% of marriages end in divorce! why would you set yourself up for failure like that?
and to the anti-gay marriage people: really, why do you care so much if gay people want to get married. with the exception of religious views, which i don't think should count because we all don't follow the same religion - the only reason there is to be against it is hatred....soooo.....so what do we do with all the gay people? put them on an island (like that episode of the twilight zone (eye of the beholder) where all the "ugly" people had to go to)
(really watch the clip if you haven't seen it already - rod serling was soooooo way ahead of his time!!!!!!)
well, wow!! i'm finding that i'm falling asleep sitting her while i blog. either i'm really boring tonight or i'm really tired. maybe i'll be so tired that i'll actually fall asleep and stay asleep and not wake up til tomorrow.
nitey nite blog!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
when your kids scare the hell (and everything else) out of you....
hello blog, i'm gonna be short tonight - as if i could get any shorter than 5'7"...haha...tammy's got jokes. but seriously, it's 1:30am - does it really matter if i'm short or not?
had apretty scary experience with my daughter yesterday. T passed out after getting a piercing. we had a moment of "i feel funny" so she sat down for about 5 minutes or so. we get out to the truck and i hear "mommy, i can't see!!!" and boom! she hit her head and was half on the floor of the truck, half on the ground. what the.....? freaken crazy!! all handled by the coolness of mom (yeah, right?!) i called the dr today and what i found out was that (paraphrased by me...lol) ....T had hyped herself up for this major pain. her body prepares for it and the brain goes into hyper overdrive. it tells the pancreas to release uber amounts of insulin to help calm down the "major pain" and what happened is the insulin rush and crash is what made her pass out. .....and.... add that to T taking a diabetic medication and dieting to lose weight and boom...you have my baby girl hitting her head on the door jam of the truck. she's been sequestered for the weekend though til we make sure all is better. i took her for a walk around the school block this afternoon and tomorrow we'll got alittle further...just to make sure. oh, and i have it in writing that she will never...ever...ever ask for and receive another piercing..lol
and on a side note: S did her first grown up thing without momyesterday. she signed her own doctor forms and went for a physcial without me in the room. ::::sigh::: her dad says i reacted like "that" (out of S's view) because of my control issues and i said no way. it's because my first born child is doing grown up things...things that have been MY job for the last 18 years. *I* need to adjust! i think i'm doing okay - i hope i'm standing far enough back in the shadows that she can't see me....but she knows i'm there if she needs me.
to further add to mommy's emotional upheaval - last night me and the girls (the girls and i?) were talking about getting tucked in bed. ihad tucked in little S and T said that she sometimes misses getting tucked in. (awwww) i siad 'i'll tuck you in tonight' and S said that i just stopped tucking them in cuz i'm meanand rotten and blah blah...LOL i said what actually happened was that they started staying up later than me so i had to stop tucking them in. but i never go to bed with telling them goodnight and that i love them. S tried to deny it - but she knows..lol
aaarrrggggghhhh!!!!! wearing that mommy of a 5 yr old hat and the mommy of a 14, 16, 18 yr old hat is SOOOOOOO difficult!! i sometimes forget to put a hat on, or take a hat off or i'm wearing the wrong one. no wonder my kids are a little crazy (lol)
had a great date with my hubby! got home a little late, the big kids didn't put the little kid to bed so Sh and daddy are sleeping on the living room floor on the camping mattress and mommy is gonna sleep on the couch (which is a loveseat) and my feet will dangle...and that fit's perfectly with what i started out saying about me being 5'7".
i'm trying to go to bed but my body won't let me. i didn't nap today hoping i'd get to bed early and i'm tired...like ...i'm ready for bed tired but...my body is a jerk and i wish there was some way i could just stop eating. just not eat anymore and i think all my problems would be solved.
well, i guess i'll grab my mediterranean cookbook and lay down on the couch - or go to my office first then go get on the couch. i have a lovely visual to guide me into lala land tonight and chances are - i will have ...lovely dreams.
had apretty scary experience with my daughter yesterday. T passed out after getting a piercing. we had a moment of "i feel funny" so she sat down for about 5 minutes or so. we get out to the truck and i hear "mommy, i can't see!!!" and boom! she hit her head and was half on the floor of the truck, half on the ground. what the.....? freaken crazy!! all handled by the coolness of mom (yeah, right?!) i called the dr today and what i found out was that (paraphrased by me...lol) ....T had hyped herself up for this major pain. her body prepares for it and the brain goes into hyper overdrive. it tells the pancreas to release uber amounts of insulin to help calm down the "major pain" and what happened is the insulin rush and crash is what made her pass out. .....and.... add that to T taking a diabetic medication and dieting to lose weight and boom...you have my baby girl hitting her head on the door jam of the truck. she's been sequestered for the weekend though til we make sure all is better. i took her for a walk around the school block this afternoon and tomorrow we'll got alittle further...just to make sure. oh, and i have it in writing that she will never...ever...ever ask for and receive another piercing..lol
and on a side note: S did her first grown up thing without momyesterday. she signed her own doctor forms and went for a physcial without me in the room. ::::sigh::: her dad says i reacted like "that" (out of S's view) because of my control issues and i said no way. it's because my first born child is doing grown up things...things that have been MY job for the last 18 years. *I* need to adjust! i think i'm doing okay - i hope i'm standing far enough back in the shadows that she can't see me....but she knows i'm there if she needs me.
to further add to mommy's emotional upheaval - last night me and the girls (the girls and i?) were talking about getting tucked in bed. ihad tucked in little S and T said that she sometimes misses getting tucked in. (awwww) i siad 'i'll tuck you in tonight' and S said that i just stopped tucking them in cuz i'm meanand rotten and blah blah...LOL i said what actually happened was that they started staying up later than me so i had to stop tucking them in. but i never go to bed with telling them goodnight and that i love them. S tried to deny it - but she knows..lol
aaarrrggggghhhh!!!!! wearing that mommy of a 5 yr old hat and the mommy of a 14, 16, 18 yr old hat is SOOOOOOO difficult!! i sometimes forget to put a hat on, or take a hat off or i'm wearing the wrong one. no wonder my kids are a little crazy (lol)
had a great date with my hubby! got home a little late, the big kids didn't put the little kid to bed so Sh and daddy are sleeping on the living room floor on the camping mattress and mommy is gonna sleep on the couch (which is a loveseat) and my feet will dangle...and that fit's perfectly with what i started out saying about me being 5'7".
i'm trying to go to bed but my body won't let me. i didn't nap today hoping i'd get to bed early and i'm tired...like ...i'm ready for bed tired but...my body is a jerk and i wish there was some way i could just stop eating. just not eat anymore and i think all my problems would be solved.
well, i guess i'll grab my mediterranean cookbook and lay down on the couch - or go to my office first then go get on the couch. i have a lovely visual to guide me into lala land tonight and chances are - i will have ...lovely dreams.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
hydrogenated vegetable oil...and stuff...
hi blog,
two words. you are wrong (not you blog). but i didn't make any remarks and for that, i'm proud of myself. :::patting my back::: but (in the psuedo-privacy of my blog) ....that was totally out of place, not relative to the conversation and i don't care. :o)~ why do people feel the need to say stuff like that? it's precisely the reason i am the way i am...because of people like that.
dude - it's 3am and i'm in so much freaken pain i can't sleep (too early for a sleeping pill...lol) this pain's been going on for 2 weeks now, a little more than 2 weeks....waxing and waning. waxing and waning. i haven't journaled properly (damn me!) so i can't tell what set this off (stopping the excess meds maybe?)/ i think the only thing left to do is stop eating for a few days to see if i can recenter myself (i hope?). it's probably all the advil i'm taking because i'm in pain eating a hole in my stomach because i'm in pain...from the hole in my stomach...LOL
tomorrow...err..today - my little girl is going to be changing her little girl school savings account to a grown up account. she's been dying for a debit card! lol i'm so excited for her!!!
side notes: you are blocked from my FB idiot. do you think i'm going to take parenting advice from a woman who ships her child off to the highest bidder? not likely. and you! if you hate your mother so much, wash your hands of her. keep my husband out of your BS.
i've become a pretty good food label reader as of late and i've discovered that a lot of our foods that we wouldn't think so, are made with hydrogenated vegetable oil. our bodies aren't meant to be eating crisco on a daily basis. our bodies aren't meant to be eating a lot of the crap it eats. jeesh! i'm very scared to start the nutritionist portion of my higher education...LOL
it all started with the peanut butter...something caught my attention so i read the label and sure enough - our peanut butter isn't just peanut butter...it's peanuts and HVO. wtf?? has it always been like that? i feel bad feeding it to my children...i mean, peanut butter and jelly is a main staple in children's diets! it's so wrong!! thankfully our society is on an "organic" kick and i was able to find peanut butter that was just peanuts. no one really likes it because the consistency is a lot different than the other peanut butter. but they'll get used to it..and then, on sunday i was icing shelby's birthday cake and there was a little icing left in the tube so i licked it and turned the tube over to read "hydrogenated vegetable oil". omg!! for real?? cake frosting, too??
so needless to say i've got a lot of pantry cleaning to do. high fructose syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oil. what's next? hamster shavings in my cream of wheat? gah!!
so i guess i'll try to take a quarter of a xanax to see if i can get my tummy and backside to calm down. im exhausted enough to sleep - just leave me alone so i can sleep...lol
two words. you are wrong (not you blog). but i didn't make any remarks and for that, i'm proud of myself. :::patting my back::: but (in the psuedo-privacy of my blog) ....that was totally out of place, not relative to the conversation and i don't care. :o)~ why do people feel the need to say stuff like that? it's precisely the reason i am the way i am...because of people like that.
dude - it's 3am and i'm in so much freaken pain i can't sleep (too early for a sleeping pill...lol) this pain's been going on for 2 weeks now, a little more than 2 weeks....waxing and waning. waxing and waning. i haven't journaled properly (damn me!) so i can't tell what set this off (stopping the excess meds maybe?)/ i think the only thing left to do is stop eating for a few days to see if i can recenter myself (i hope?). it's probably all the advil i'm taking because i'm in pain eating a hole in my stomach because i'm in pain...from the hole in my stomach...LOL
tomorrow...err..today - my little girl is going to be changing her little girl school savings account to a grown up account. she's been dying for a debit card! lol i'm so excited for her!!!
side notes: you are blocked from my FB idiot. do you think i'm going to take parenting advice from a woman who ships her child off to the highest bidder? not likely. and you! if you hate your mother so much, wash your hands of her. keep my husband out of your BS.
i've become a pretty good food label reader as of late and i've discovered that a lot of our foods that we wouldn't think so, are made with hydrogenated vegetable oil. our bodies aren't meant to be eating crisco on a daily basis. our bodies aren't meant to be eating a lot of the crap it eats. jeesh! i'm very scared to start the nutritionist portion of my higher education...LOL
it all started with the peanut butter...something caught my attention so i read the label and sure enough - our peanut butter isn't just peanut butter...it's peanuts and HVO. wtf?? has it always been like that? i feel bad feeding it to my children...i mean, peanut butter and jelly is a main staple in children's diets! it's so wrong!! thankfully our society is on an "organic" kick and i was able to find peanut butter that was just peanuts. no one really likes it because the consistency is a lot different than the other peanut butter. but they'll get used to it..and then, on sunday i was icing shelby's birthday cake and there was a little icing left in the tube so i licked it and turned the tube over to read "hydrogenated vegetable oil". omg!! for real?? cake frosting, too??
so needless to say i've got a lot of pantry cleaning to do. high fructose syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oil. what's next? hamster shavings in my cream of wheat? gah!!
so i guess i'll try to take a quarter of a xanax to see if i can get my tummy and backside to calm down. im exhausted enough to sleep - just leave me alone so i can sleep...lol
Sunday, August 8, 2010
seeing what other people don't see....
hi blog,
i had every intention of going to bed before midnight but my second oldest daughter's netbook caught another virus (One of those viruses that tries to sell you virus protection). i'm out of my league on this thing so i give up tonight and we'll try tomorrow, i guess.
i was on FB tonight and i enjoy reading other people's comments to photos, updates, posts, etc. i suppose that's what these networking hoohas are all about - being voyeurs. tonight though my daughter (who just had a birthday) were sitting together voyeuristically looking at other people's facebook pages and almost at the same time we both said gasp - "she's flirting with ****!! gasp! and then we looked through this person's FB some more and there was more flirting...by more than one person!! blatent FB flirting. we giggled and wondered if ****'s wife knew about it and then one (maybe two) posts **** flirted back - actually instigated the flirtation. like omg! so we assumed that either A) *****was flirting and not knowing it because it's on FB and B) his wife was/is oblivious to it (maybe cuz she liked it? lol) we will definitely keep track of the flirting and keep you updated,blog.
i seem to have this little peeve. it hit me tonight and i'm not sure it's jealousy or just a real annoyance. this family on FB tells people on FB everything. they really use the networking sight for all it's worth. they make posts like "***got her period last night so she's not pregnant" and "i just went pee pee for the 3rd time today - i'll let you know ifi poop before dinner"....stuff like that. today a few of them posted "blah blah family track day". i've been on this "family track day" before being outside family and it's truly a nice time at the track. the second elder generation go up to the race track at 5am and sit there all day long toensure the family has a picnic table and good views to the horsies walking by. other family members show up periodically throughout the day and it'sa great day. but whatkinda stuck out at me was the whole "family track day". they have "family cape cod week" and "family bonfire day" and "family take a crap" day and i wonder.....what happens, if for whatever reason, someone doesn't get up to the track to hold the picnic table. maybe they're in a car accident on the way and by the time they get there - there is no family track day. or what if they oversleep some morning or if they stay in bed cuz mr * woke up with huge morning wood and was bumping uglies with mrs * and she's on 5th orgasm before she realizes the track is full now and there is no picnic table?
i'm being silly of course, but why do they plan family time? why can't/don't they just get up in the morning some beautiful hot august day and say "hey ya'll - we're going to the track...please come with us so we can have an even greater day!" cuz doesn't it seem a little planned? a little precocious (?) a little bit like they can't have fun unless they google what fun there is to do in august and then call it a "family track day" (or "family fix the car day" or "family clean the toilet day". just wondering, i guess, why the fun has to be announced and why it has a label. why can't you be like nike and just do it. just go the racetrack. you'll still have fun.
well, i medicated myself earlier and my arms are feeling rather heavy. or is it my eye lids? idon't know. it was pretty scarey though - my opium can only be dispensed every 30 days and i'm short by 2 days (took extra while were on vacay so i wouldn't be the poopy party pooper)...thought for sure they wouldn't give it to me but they did. also noticed (home, of course) that it looked alittle short of 300ml. i don't know about that either.
i do know that i'm hot right now. i'm fat and hot and i think i'm going to make a blog or clog about being fat and not wanting to be fat but not being able to eat the "right" foods. omg, i said clog and i meant vlog. hahaha. but there are so many more variable that go into this soup besides "just push your fat ass away from the table and run around the block and you won't be fat anymore." but then i'm not sure i want people to read it so i'm stuck between soup and poop. ha!!
and is it safe to say that i still hate my mother and my sister. hate is a strong word and yes, i'm carrying a lot of childhood hate around with me but this is current hate too. i can't get the words "i'm going to call child protective service on you for being a slob" out of my head. omg. now that's gonna be the last words i type before i go to bed. if shelby wasn't sititng over there~~~~~~~~~~~> i'd look up leonardo dicaprio riding his motorcycle or something.
goodnight! i'll see you in 90minutes to 2 hours. no, i won't be back but i'll be up. grrr. yeah - meds. you know i like 'em.
i had every intention of going to bed before midnight but my second oldest daughter's netbook caught another virus (One of those viruses that tries to sell you virus protection). i'm out of my league on this thing so i give up tonight and we'll try tomorrow, i guess.
i was on FB tonight and i enjoy reading other people's comments to photos, updates, posts, etc. i suppose that's what these networking hoohas are all about - being voyeurs. tonight though my daughter (who just had a birthday) were sitting together voyeuristically looking at other people's facebook pages and almost at the same time we both said gasp - "she's flirting with ****!! gasp! and then we looked through this person's FB some more and there was more flirting...by more than one person!! blatent FB flirting. we giggled and wondered if ****'s wife knew about it and then one (maybe two) posts **** flirted back - actually instigated the flirtation. like omg! so we assumed that either A) *****was flirting and not knowing it because it's on FB and B) his wife was/is oblivious to it (maybe cuz she liked it? lol) we will definitely keep track of the flirting and keep you updated,blog.
i seem to have this little peeve. it hit me tonight and i'm not sure it's jealousy or just a real annoyance. this family on FB tells people on FB everything. they really use the networking sight for all it's worth. they make posts like "***got her period last night so she's not pregnant" and "i just went pee pee for the 3rd time today - i'll let you know ifi poop before dinner"....stuff like that. today a few of them posted "blah blah family track day". i've been on this "family track day" before being outside family and it's truly a nice time at the track. the second elder generation go up to the race track at 5am and sit there all day long toensure the family has a picnic table and good views to the horsies walking by. other family members show up periodically throughout the day and it'sa great day. but whatkinda stuck out at me was the whole "family track day". they have "family cape cod week" and "family bonfire day" and "family take a crap" day and i wonder.....what happens, if for whatever reason, someone doesn't get up to the track to hold the picnic table. maybe they're in a car accident on the way and by the time they get there - there is no family track day. or what if they oversleep some morning or if they stay in bed cuz mr * woke up with huge morning wood and was bumping uglies with mrs * and she's on 5th orgasm before she realizes the track is full now and there is no picnic table?
i'm being silly of course, but why do they plan family time? why can't/don't they just get up in the morning some beautiful hot august day and say "hey ya'll - we're going to the track...please come with us so we can have an even greater day!" cuz doesn't it seem a little planned? a little precocious (?) a little bit like they can't have fun unless they google what fun there is to do in august and then call it a "family track day" (or "family fix the car day" or "family clean the toilet day". just wondering, i guess, why the fun has to be announced and why it has a label. why can't you be like nike and just do it. just go the racetrack. you'll still have fun.
well, i medicated myself earlier and my arms are feeling rather heavy. or is it my eye lids? idon't know. it was pretty scarey though - my opium can only be dispensed every 30 days and i'm short by 2 days (took extra while were on vacay so i wouldn't be the poopy party pooper)...thought for sure they wouldn't give it to me but they did. also noticed (home, of course) that it looked alittle short of 300ml. i don't know about that either.
i do know that i'm hot right now. i'm fat and hot and i think i'm going to make a blog or clog about being fat and not wanting to be fat but not being able to eat the "right" foods. omg, i said clog and i meant vlog. hahaha. but there are so many more variable that go into this soup besides "just push your fat ass away from the table and run around the block and you won't be fat anymore." but then i'm not sure i want people to read it so i'm stuck between soup and poop. ha!!
and is it safe to say that i still hate my mother and my sister. hate is a strong word and yes, i'm carrying a lot of childhood hate around with me but this is current hate too. i can't get the words "i'm going to call child protective service on you for being a slob" out of my head. omg. now that's gonna be the last words i type before i go to bed. if shelby wasn't sititng over there~~~~~~~~~~~> i'd look up leonardo dicaprio riding his motorcycle or something.
goodnight! i'll see you in 90minutes to 2 hours. no, i won't be back but i'll be up. grrr. yeah - meds. you know i like 'em.
my little munchichi came into the world 18 yrs ago
my first born child turned 18 yrs old today. i remember when she came into the world, as most mamas and daddies can remember when they had their babies. i'd like to say that S is mine and my husband's first child together and she is ours together, but she's not our first child. apparently, as s and t will attest, i have a son named marcus that i had when i was very young and a woman named amy was giving birth to P's first child when i was about 6 months pregnant with S. (not lying, ask him)
i was at work, working for a record company. it was my last day of work before going on maternity leave. i was so looking forward to that proverbial two weeks you get off before baby comes. of course, as with everything in every aspect of my life, nothing happens like it's supposed to.
as with each of my pregnancies i was sick - not with morning sickness though...i never once had morning sickness. i just had things like eclampsia and diabetes and such. well, to make a short story long -the last day of work before i was to start maternity leave my boss had to drive me to the hospital cuz my blood pressure shot threw the roof (i knew this cuz of the fireworks and my dr saying "get to the hospital now!).
there were no cell phones back then so daddy had to be hunted down..lol needless to say labor was induced and the following night, after apparently punching p in the stomach (i don't remember, swear) i gave birth to this sweet little person - a head of dark hair, dusky blue eyes (we nick-named her munchichi) and i swear to you she came into this world with her mouth wide open yelling and screaming.
to this very day she still yells and screams and every day since her first day, that little baby girl has caused my head to explode. i love you shelly belly. welcome to adulthood!!! i love you immensenly!
i was at work, working for a record company. it was my last day of work before going on maternity leave. i was so looking forward to that proverbial two weeks you get off before baby comes. of course, as with everything in every aspect of my life, nothing happens like it's supposed to.
as with each of my pregnancies i was sick - not with morning sickness though...i never once had morning sickness. i just had things like eclampsia and diabetes and such. well, to make a short story long -the last day of work before i was to start maternity leave my boss had to drive me to the hospital cuz my blood pressure shot threw the roof (i knew this cuz of the fireworks and my dr saying "get to the hospital now!).
there were no cell phones back then so daddy had to be hunted down..lol needless to say labor was induced and the following night, after apparently punching p in the stomach (i don't remember, swear) i gave birth to this sweet little person - a head of dark hair, dusky blue eyes (we nick-named her munchichi) and i swear to you she came into this world with her mouth wide open yelling and screaming.
to this very day she still yells and screams and every day since her first day, that little baby girl has caused my head to explode. i love you shelly belly. welcome to adulthood!!! i love you immensenly!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
boobs and bumper stickers
hi blog,
we went to the book store tonight (in the mall). ended up going to spencer's and found my bumper sticker...the bumper sticker that got stolen (who does that?) . i mean, it was a magnetic one so it wasn't a hard feat but still. but anyway, it's replaced and i'm happy.
also, while at the mall we saw this young woman. first off let me say that i'm not picking on her because she was heavy set...or because she wore her clothes (more specifically her bra) three sizes too small. what caught my eye, and probably most of the eyes in there (perhaps that was the reason for the mis-sizing) was the fact that because of her too small bra, her cleavage was up to her neck and she was able to hold her cell phone in between her boobages. ugh!! that was nasty!! girlfriend - have some self respect, please!
but it did bring up a good point (hardy har, point - get it?) looking at pictures of me of late, my boobs are hanging down the ground. i'm needing a wheel barrel over here (lol) i'm giving a new meaning to the term 'over the shoulder boulder holder"...hahaha.
but it does beg the question: do we go au naturale? or do we wear bras 3 sizes too small and choke ourselves? ahhh....boobies!!!
k, i'm heading to bed early tonight - P has his MRI tomorrow at 8 and i need to get up early.
we went to the book store tonight (in the mall). ended up going to spencer's and found my bumper sticker...the bumper sticker that got stolen (who does that?) . i mean, it was a magnetic one so it wasn't a hard feat but still. but anyway, it's replaced and i'm happy.
also, while at the mall we saw this young woman. first off let me say that i'm not picking on her because she was heavy set...or because she wore her clothes (more specifically her bra) three sizes too small. what caught my eye, and probably most of the eyes in there (perhaps that was the reason for the mis-sizing) was the fact that because of her too small bra, her cleavage was up to her neck and she was able to hold her cell phone in between her boobages. ugh!! that was nasty!! girlfriend - have some self respect, please!
but it did bring up a good point (hardy har, point - get it?) looking at pictures of me of late, my boobs are hanging down the ground. i'm needing a wheel barrel over here (lol) i'm giving a new meaning to the term 'over the shoulder boulder holder"...hahaha.
but it does beg the question: do we go au naturale? or do we wear bras 3 sizes too small and choke ourselves? ahhh....boobies!!!
k, i'm heading to bed early tonight - P has his MRI tomorrow at 8 and i need to get up early.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
i imported a blog!!!!!
hi blog!! great night tonight. waiting for my test results in 'short stories'. i've got a steady B in that class with the exception of the F when we went on vacation so it looks like my final exam will tell which way the grade hammer swings. gotta keep that GPA up there.
so i figured out to import my other blog. that's pretty good considering i'm pretty computer mental.
i'm making a new year's resolution tonight and that is to be in bed in every night by midnight. and i mean EVERY. as if EVERY is different than every...lol so that leaves me 14 minutes...can i do it? yes you can!!! lol
so i figured out to import my other blog. that's pretty good considering i'm pretty computer mental.
i'm making a new year's resolution tonight and that is to be in bed in every night by midnight. and i mean EVERY. as if EVERY is different than every...lol so that leaves me 14 minutes...can i do it? yes you can!!! lol
indecisive
hi blog, who says at age 40 (err..41) that you have to have all your ducks in a row?
i changed my mind about this blogs name.
i'm going to try to finger out ...lol i said finger. i meant figure out how to connect that blog to this one because this is going to be the one i use from now on. the other one is dead.
one time, a car cut me off and i yelled out "ass" and S and T said "hat" in unison. now that's funny.
i changed my mind about this blogs name.
i'm going to try to finger out ...lol i said finger. i meant figure out how to connect that blog to this one because this is going to be the one i use from now on. the other one is dead.
one time, a car cut me off and i yelled out "ass" and S and T said "hat" in unison. now that's funny.
he does love me.....!!!!!!
hi blog,
i got home from taking 2 of our kids for haircuts (getting ready for school stuff) and my poohead had a piece of paper on my laptop. i went to move it,it was a scrap of a something and he says 'look at it' and he's pointing to it.
i looked at it and from what i was able to decipher from his chicken scratch handwriting - he rescheduled his MRI!!!!!!!! I knew he loved me...deep down inside and in betweeen the texts that say "i don't hate you i just disagree with you 50% of the time" - he loves me!!!!!
but we will keep that other thing between us.. ;o)
i got home from taking 2 of our kids for haircuts (getting ready for school stuff) and my poohead had a piece of paper on my laptop. i went to move it,it was a scrap of a something and he says 'look at it' and he's pointing to it.
i looked at it and from what i was able to decipher from his chicken scratch handwriting - he rescheduled his MRI!!!!!!!! I knew he loved me...deep down inside and in betweeen the texts that say "i don't hate you i just disagree with you 50% of the time" - he loves me!!!!!
but we will keep that other thing between us.. ;o)
Monday, August 2, 2010
i lost a blog
hey blog,
i'm sorry but i seemed to have lost a post or two. i could've sworn i came on here and on two separate days made two separate blogs. but they're not here. to be quite honest i'm not concerned enough to go looking around for them either. but i needed something to start off talking about.
i made fried green tomatoes tonight. mmmmmyummy!! i didn't have seasonings so i used old bay. great choice!! i've got this forearm sized zucchini i thought about giving the green tomato treatment to so we'll see. but yeah, definitely try the old bay (in with the corn meal/bread crumb mix). never thought about it but i could have used some frank's red hot mixed in with the egg/milk (a'la fried chicken). hmmm...next time. gotta remember to save some tomatoes for spaghetti sauce though, too.
so you might be asking why am i awake at 1:01am. or not. i just finished my final exam for short stories. great class. if i wasn't forced to read some of this stuff, i'd never read it so i'm pretty glad for that. there are some amazing author's out there - i'd definitely recommend getting out of your comfort zone. i was pretty worried when i saw the "F" on my grades this evening. i get pretty good grades and to see that was startling to say the least. well, i back tracked and figured out that even though i read the stories, had my daughter bring her laptop with us on vacation - i never actually got online and did the assignments (which consisted of an essay, a 2 question quiz and discussion board comments). UGH! my fault - good intentions and all - but vacation was too much fun...screw homework. so we'll see how it affects my grade.
needless to say the freaken dog is still here. grrrrr....i am really reaching the point that i will get a shovel and i will hit her in the head with it. her behavior is just...just...fucked up. P says it wouldn't be fair to bring her to the pound because who knows what they'd do with her once they find out how mentally defective she is. that's not my problem (lol)
P had an MRI scheduled for today and when i ask "how did it go" he says the lady called last week and i rescheduled it. ummm...hello! mcfly??! (back to the future reference)...what. the fuck. this conversation took place out in the garden so as i'm walking in the house with a look of utter disbelief on my face i said something (can't remember what now) and i followed that with "that was sarcastic" and he had the audacity to remark. what. the fuck. the MRI is for his eye (and face) twitching and now i have to be a DB and nag him to reschedule. what. the. fuck. that's all i can say. who friggen does this??? and on top of that...what kind of husband RESCHEDULES and does NOT tell his wife about it??? wife = partner = helpmate, etc etc etc and honest to god he wonders why i take off and hide in the cemetary. for real. this brings me back to that blog about "updating conversations". GAH!!!
so in the meantime i find that in looking for an artists work i come across a naked picture of him and i'm looking at it. like....really looking at it. and enjoying it. that's bad, i know. wandering minds and all that BS. i quickly (in a sort of slow manner) turned the webpage. no no no no no no pee pees that don't belong to me. it just so happens that i don't want the one that belongs to me right now. two reasons - the lack of updating conversations and the way - after promises - my love nest, my den of burning desires, my zone of flesh on fire, has turned into a storage unit....again. yep - again. i brought it up tonight but then let it go. as it stands now we're homeless so i won't go into any home repair/remodeling nag/rants etc - but as soon as we're not homeless...my den of lusty hotness is mine again. dammit.
last night i was so thankful that i didn't throw away all those meds that i gave up. i won't go into details but my life has been an utter hell the last few days. not only could i not sleep (cuz of needing the potty 14 times in one night...again) i was in pain. then..when it let up, and i could lay down to take a small nap cuz i was up for two days straight shitting my brains out, no one will let me take a nap. S has a problem with this and T has a problem wtih that - and all problems, of course, are my fault and J is just oblivious and Sh is a 5 yr old with the mouth of a 16 yr old and when i go to hide in my hiding place (under the Downer family) who flippin' finds me...? yeah - P. in MY cemetery. and where i was he really had to look. i was wearing a white tshirt so maybe it wasn't that hard but i took off without telling a soul where i went. so now what do i do with no hiding place?
i'm sure this post sounds like a whoa is me and whine whine cry cry - but it's not. just a vent. not even that really...just a...release, shall we say.
T and i starting this experiment (now i wonder if she ate it today?) - i read a study that says eating cinnamon will lower LDL and triglycerides, and blood sugars and all that so i said wouldn't it be cool if T and I did it so when we go back to the endo in 3 months we can see if it worked? and on top of that - i don't have a colon - so how cool would it be to see if not it worked (on T) but worked on T and not on me cuz of the missing hooha? but she spent the day with her friend riding bikes and such and i don't know if she ate it. now i don't even know if i ate it. too late now.
i can tell my double shot of "o" is kicking in so i'm gonna bail before i start looking for those things that shouldn't be looked at if they don't belong to me again. hehe
nitey nite
i'm sorry but i seemed to have lost a post or two. i could've sworn i came on here and on two separate days made two separate blogs. but they're not here. to be quite honest i'm not concerned enough to go looking around for them either. but i needed something to start off talking about.
i made fried green tomatoes tonight. mmmmmyummy!! i didn't have seasonings so i used old bay. great choice!! i've got this forearm sized zucchini i thought about giving the green tomato treatment to so we'll see. but yeah, definitely try the old bay (in with the corn meal/bread crumb mix). never thought about it but i could have used some frank's red hot mixed in with the egg/milk (a'la fried chicken). hmmm...next time. gotta remember to save some tomatoes for spaghetti sauce though, too.
so you might be asking why am i awake at 1:01am. or not. i just finished my final exam for short stories. great class. if i wasn't forced to read some of this stuff, i'd never read it so i'm pretty glad for that. there are some amazing author's out there - i'd definitely recommend getting out of your comfort zone. i was pretty worried when i saw the "F" on my grades this evening. i get pretty good grades and to see that was startling to say the least. well, i back tracked and figured out that even though i read the stories, had my daughter bring her laptop with us on vacation - i never actually got online and did the assignments (which consisted of an essay, a 2 question quiz and discussion board comments). UGH! my fault - good intentions and all - but vacation was too much fun...screw homework. so we'll see how it affects my grade.
needless to say the freaken dog is still here. grrrrr....i am really reaching the point that i will get a shovel and i will hit her in the head with it. her behavior is just...just...fucked up. P says it wouldn't be fair to bring her to the pound because who knows what they'd do with her once they find out how mentally defective she is. that's not my problem (lol)
P had an MRI scheduled for today and when i ask "how did it go" he says the lady called last week and i rescheduled it. ummm...hello! mcfly??! (back to the future reference)...what. the fuck. this conversation took place out in the garden so as i'm walking in the house with a look of utter disbelief on my face i said something (can't remember what now) and i followed that with "that was sarcastic" and he had the audacity to remark. what. the fuck. the MRI is for his eye (and face) twitching and now i have to be a DB and nag him to reschedule. what. the. fuck. that's all i can say. who friggen does this??? and on top of that...what kind of husband RESCHEDULES and does NOT tell his wife about it??? wife = partner = helpmate, etc etc etc and honest to god he wonders why i take off and hide in the cemetary. for real. this brings me back to that blog about "updating conversations". GAH!!!
so in the meantime i find that in looking for an artists work i come across a naked picture of him and i'm looking at it. like....really looking at it. and enjoying it. that's bad, i know. wandering minds and all that BS. i quickly (in a sort of slow manner) turned the webpage. no no no no no no pee pees that don't belong to me. it just so happens that i don't want the one that belongs to me right now. two reasons - the lack of updating conversations and the way - after promises - my love nest, my den of burning desires, my zone of flesh on fire, has turned into a storage unit....again. yep - again. i brought it up tonight but then let it go. as it stands now we're homeless so i won't go into any home repair/remodeling nag/rants etc - but as soon as we're not homeless...my den of lusty hotness is mine again. dammit.
last night i was so thankful that i didn't throw away all those meds that i gave up. i won't go into details but my life has been an utter hell the last few days. not only could i not sleep (cuz of needing the potty 14 times in one night...again) i was in pain. then..when it let up, and i could lay down to take a small nap cuz i was up for two days straight shitting my brains out, no one will let me take a nap. S has a problem with this and T has a problem wtih that - and all problems, of course, are my fault and J is just oblivious and Sh is a 5 yr old with the mouth of a 16 yr old and when i go to hide in my hiding place (under the Downer family) who flippin' finds me...? yeah - P. in MY cemetery. and where i was he really had to look. i was wearing a white tshirt so maybe it wasn't that hard but i took off without telling a soul where i went. so now what do i do with no hiding place?
i'm sure this post sounds like a whoa is me and whine whine cry cry - but it's not. just a vent. not even that really...just a...release, shall we say.
T and i starting this experiment (now i wonder if she ate it today?) - i read a study that says eating cinnamon will lower LDL and triglycerides, and blood sugars and all that so i said wouldn't it be cool if T and I did it so when we go back to the endo in 3 months we can see if it worked? and on top of that - i don't have a colon - so how cool would it be to see if not it worked (on T) but worked on T and not on me cuz of the missing hooha? but she spent the day with her friend riding bikes and such and i don't know if she ate it. now i don't even know if i ate it. too late now.
i can tell my double shot of "o" is kicking in so i'm gonna bail before i start looking for those things that shouldn't be looked at if they don't belong to me again. hehe
nitey nite
Thursday, July 29, 2010
updating conversations
hi blog, i'm so tired. physically tired and mentally exhausted. frustrated is a good word. as is autopilot.
i wonder if men, who don't take talking as serious as they should, understand how many misunderstandings and/or arguments could be NOT had if they would just UPDATE a previous conversation. and...i could end up looking like less of an ass because i make plans based on PREVIOUS conversations.
like - maybe tell me you made a phone call and that you'll be working tomorrow instead of having the leisure day i thought you were gonna have. and - telling me about the change of plans like it should be common knowledge and i'm a fkn idiot for not knowing better. cuz yeah - i can read minds again.
gah!!
my bumper sticker got stolen. it's a magnetic bumpersticker so you can imagine how easily it could be removed from my truck. it was a bumper sticker about pooping. it was really funny cuz i'm the queen of pooping. i mean, no one else would know that - it'd just be a stupid bumper sticker about poop. but who takes bumper stickers off of people's cars? that's just really subversive.
P, shane and i had a really good day today (if you don't cound the assenine conversation earlier this evening. we spent the day, traveling a few times, to the town park. they put some benches and swings overlooking the creek and it's all shaded and it was sooooo beautiful. P and shane searched for frogs and fishies, i read my book and saved a frog from shane's clutches once (she wanted to take it home...again). it was nice. really nice. it's definitely on our list of things to do list!!!
i weened myself off my meds - cold turkey is best but i'm just about off everything but the HBP, hot flash preventer and opium. i'm happy with that. when you go to bed and the palm of your hand is full of different color and shaped pills for everything and anything - that's not good. it's also not good when your hubby says he can tell when you've taken your meds because you're slurring words. so bye bye. eh...nothing really worked anyways - just made me not really care that i pooped 12 times a day instead of fixing the problem. and the only thing that fixes that problem is not eating. which i can do for a day but after that i'm making up for the day i didn't eat and it makes the bathroom worse and what the hell am i talking about this for? i sound like my sister whining and boo hooing. jeez!!
unfortunately tomorrow i have to rid the family of the dog and a cat. we've tried making it a family discussion/vote type thing but the children only see cute kitty and fun puppy....not the bad behavior. both the animals are using the house as their litter box/poopy place and that is not tolerable. the dog was housetrained before we went on vacation and now she'll look right at you and take a dump on the floor. i talked to the vet to find out if that's a normal thing after spending a week in the kennel and he said maybe for the first day but after that - no. molly, the cat, has started peeing on the floor too. i scoop the cat boxes daily so it can't be that. she even peed on the floor about 4 feet from the cat boxes. wth? this was going on well before vacation...caught her 3 times now. who knows how many times it's gone on when i haven't caught her. so now i have to be the bad guy....
so...that's updated autopilot. i'm tired. i'm going to bed. but i'll be up in 2 hours cuz...well, my hand is near empty. ;o)
i wonder if men, who don't take talking as serious as they should, understand how many misunderstandings and/or arguments could be NOT had if they would just UPDATE a previous conversation. and...i could end up looking like less of an ass because i make plans based on PREVIOUS conversations.
like - maybe tell me you made a phone call and that you'll be working tomorrow instead of having the leisure day i thought you were gonna have. and - telling me about the change of plans like it should be common knowledge and i'm a fkn idiot for not knowing better. cuz yeah - i can read minds again.
gah!!
my bumper sticker got stolen. it's a magnetic bumpersticker so you can imagine how easily it could be removed from my truck. it was a bumper sticker about pooping. it was really funny cuz i'm the queen of pooping. i mean, no one else would know that - it'd just be a stupid bumper sticker about poop. but who takes bumper stickers off of people's cars? that's just really subversive.
P, shane and i had a really good day today (if you don't cound the assenine conversation earlier this evening. we spent the day, traveling a few times, to the town park. they put some benches and swings overlooking the creek and it's all shaded and it was sooooo beautiful. P and shane searched for frogs and fishies, i read my book and saved a frog from shane's clutches once (she wanted to take it home...again). it was nice. really nice. it's definitely on our list of things to do list!!!
i weened myself off my meds - cold turkey is best but i'm just about off everything but the HBP, hot flash preventer and opium. i'm happy with that. when you go to bed and the palm of your hand is full of different color and shaped pills for everything and anything - that's not good. it's also not good when your hubby says he can tell when you've taken your meds because you're slurring words. so bye bye. eh...nothing really worked anyways - just made me not really care that i pooped 12 times a day instead of fixing the problem. and the only thing that fixes that problem is not eating. which i can do for a day but after that i'm making up for the day i didn't eat and it makes the bathroom worse and what the hell am i talking about this for? i sound like my sister whining and boo hooing. jeez!!
unfortunately tomorrow i have to rid the family of the dog and a cat. we've tried making it a family discussion/vote type thing but the children only see cute kitty and fun puppy....not the bad behavior. both the animals are using the house as their litter box/poopy place and that is not tolerable. the dog was housetrained before we went on vacation and now she'll look right at you and take a dump on the floor. i talked to the vet to find out if that's a normal thing after spending a week in the kennel and he said maybe for the first day but after that - no. molly, the cat, has started peeing on the floor too. i scoop the cat boxes daily so it can't be that. she even peed on the floor about 4 feet from the cat boxes. wth? this was going on well before vacation...caught her 3 times now. who knows how many times it's gone on when i haven't caught her. so now i have to be the bad guy....
so...that's updated autopilot. i'm tired. i'm going to bed. but i'll be up in 2 hours cuz...well, my hand is near empty. ;o)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
i tripped...
dear blog, you won't understand this. at all. but have fun trying.
it is not only wrong to want what isn't yours but to want what belongs to someone else. focus. focus. focus.
it's said that idle hands are the devil's playground. but what about idle minds? and undies that say "wish you were here"?
not (always) you. it's not black, like they say, but shatter(ed).
i really don't.
and now that that's over with...omg. sometimes all it takes is it being too quiet around here...
we got back from vacation a few days ago. it was so much fun...the whole trip. at times i was sooooo tired/exhausted (drugged) but i tried not to show it. i forget sometimes how the entire atmosphere can change just by what mood mom (and sometimes dad)
it is not only wrong to want what isn't yours but to want what belongs to someone else. focus. focus. focus.
it's said that idle hands are the devil's playground. but what about idle minds? and undies that say "wish you were here"?
not (always) you. it's not black, like they say, but shatter(ed).
i really don't.
and now that that's over with...omg. sometimes all it takes is it being too quiet around here...
we got back from vacation a few days ago. it was so much fun...the whole trip. at times i was sooooo tired/exhausted (drugged) but i tried not to show it. i forget sometimes how the entire atmosphere can change just by what mood mom (and sometimes dad)
Friday, July 9, 2010
who is that old lady in the mirror?
hi blog,
i was wondering something - how do you make friends with and accept the old lady you see in the mirror?
:o)
i was wondering something - how do you make friends with and accept the old lady you see in the mirror?
:o)
Monday, June 21, 2010
how do you enjoy it? and being carless
dear blog,
i'm doing some work at my daugther's boss's sister's house (that is soooo punctually wrong). they own 50 acres and have a gorgeous 3bedroom 3bathroom home. when i take a lunch break - i sit on their front porch and just sit. i listen to the birds, the horses, the doggy barking or one of two of the kittens chasing butterflies. i've been at the house for two weeks...this is my third week and i'll be done and i won't be going back. today at lunch i thought how much i'd miss it. the front porch and all.
it made me think though. here i was...enjoying this gorgeous layout, thinking maybe THIS is what i want when we retire and the homeowners are no where to be found. like i said, this is my third week there. i've talked to the homeowner maybe twice. three times tops....they're not around. ever.
i guess i wonder how they can possibly enjoy that beautiful property and home when they're never home. they've obviously worked really hard -you don't get that for sitting on your crackle. but why work so hard for soemthing you can't enjoy? the wife told me,t oo, that wasn't their forever home and that when the kids are gone they're selling. maybe for the equity? i don't know. seems a waste.
anyway, so i'm carless. we bought this yukon and the seller kept a little secret from us. something that when you're under the truck checking out stuff you never really look at. some lower control arm is about rusted right in half. i'm pissed to say the least. i don't like not having a car. i don't like thinking for once i'm fixin' on getting ahead and i'm not because now i have this huge car repair bill. the kid actually had the balls to call pete today to see where his license plates are. ooops. i knew i forgot something. pete told him that he was sure his wife sent them out and that he'd check the truck as soon as it was back from the garage. the guy didn't say a word. ass. grrr...
time to go -
i'm doing some work at my daugther's boss's sister's house (that is soooo punctually wrong). they own 50 acres and have a gorgeous 3bedroom 3bathroom home. when i take a lunch break - i sit on their front porch and just sit. i listen to the birds, the horses, the doggy barking or one of two of the kittens chasing butterflies. i've been at the house for two weeks...this is my third week and i'll be done and i won't be going back. today at lunch i thought how much i'd miss it. the front porch and all.
it made me think though. here i was...enjoying this gorgeous layout, thinking maybe THIS is what i want when we retire and the homeowners are no where to be found. like i said, this is my third week there. i've talked to the homeowner maybe twice. three times tops....they're not around. ever.
i guess i wonder how they can possibly enjoy that beautiful property and home when they're never home. they've obviously worked really hard -you don't get that for sitting on your crackle. but why work so hard for soemthing you can't enjoy? the wife told me,t oo, that wasn't their forever home and that when the kids are gone they're selling. maybe for the equity? i don't know. seems a waste.
anyway, so i'm carless. we bought this yukon and the seller kept a little secret from us. something that when you're under the truck checking out stuff you never really look at. some lower control arm is about rusted right in half. i'm pissed to say the least. i don't like not having a car. i don't like thinking for once i'm fixin' on getting ahead and i'm not because now i have this huge car repair bill. the kid actually had the balls to call pete today to see where his license plates are. ooops. i knew i forgot something. pete told him that he was sure his wife sent them out and that he'd check the truck as soon as it was back from the garage. the guy didn't say a word. ass. grrr...
time to go -
Sunday, June 6, 2010
sniper troopers
hey blog!
yesterday was a long day - we were to look at two trucks (new to me). for some silly reason no one in our area was selling a truck under $2,000 (one that will seat all 6 of us) so we had to go out of our state...all the way to MA (that's funny cuz MA is just right over there..lol) but anyway, we're on our way to springfield MA to check out this truck. we stop at the toll booth to get our ticket and this sniper cop comes around the booth building and says, in a really dicky authoritative voice that really doesn't work on me and always ends up with me sassing off, PULL OVER NOW PLEASE!! what the f....
it's friggin' hotter than a $2 whore, no a/c in the truck and i've got 3 kids sweaty and hot kids and cranky hubby and i'm not fun when i'm hot and mr trooper guy demands my license and registration. it was kinda funny because it was so hot that the registration card was stuck to pleather binder in the glove box...but not funny at all cuz i'm like "dude...what the frick?" my truck is legal, i wasn't speeding, we're all wearing our seatbelts...what. the.
you know what he had me pull over for? my shoulder strap was not over my shoulder. i was buckled in...i always buckle but i never if ever put the strap over my shoulder. it's not the first ticket i've gotten for the "offense" and it won't be my last. but to be sniper-copped at a toll booth on a really hot and humid day of driving all over East Bumshit looking for a truck...that's just messed up.
i wasn't disrespectful to the cop but i did do the eye roll thing and ask "for real?" he takes my info and comes back 10 minutes later (does it really take THAT long to print out a ticket?) and apologizes to me for giving me a ticket and that it's "clickit or ticket" week and blah blah. listen dude cop guy - i've been pulled over before because a cop didn't see my shoulder belt and they left the side of my car WITHOUT giving me a ticket. i've passed cops going 45mph in a 30mph zone and they never even looked at me (and it's not like you could miss me in my tank). i've been pulled over because my truck is loud and they liked my "i'm only speeding because i have to poop" bumper sticker (for real..ask hubby) and i never got a ticket. so for him to apologize for giving me a ticket when i KNOW it's at his discretion to do so is like putting a gun to my head and telling me "you have mosquito in your hair". (ok, that was a messed up analogy). but you know what i mean?
and....giving me a ticket doesn't make me run home with my tail between my legs. when i go to school tomorrow, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. when i drop the kids off at work, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. the shoulder strap annoys my boobs...really bad. the strap either rides up and chokes the living shit out of me or it gets stuck under my boob and just looks really ridiculous. so i won't do it.
and exactly what is a "living shit"? that's a funny term, right there.
so thanks mr sniper trooper man - thanks for the ticket. no really, i understand that the 18 yr old shoulder strap in my truck that doesn't catch when i stop fast can't save my life if i don't wear it but ...umm...other than the belt portion latching, the shoulder belt (in my truck) is just something pretty look at...and to annoy my boobs. it wouldn't save my big block head from hitting the windshield anyway. you'll get my check in mail.
yesterday was a long day - we were to look at two trucks (new to me). for some silly reason no one in our area was selling a truck under $2,000 (one that will seat all 6 of us) so we had to go out of our state...all the way to MA (that's funny cuz MA is just right over there..lol) but anyway, we're on our way to springfield MA to check out this truck. we stop at the toll booth to get our ticket and this sniper cop comes around the booth building and says, in a really dicky authoritative voice that really doesn't work on me and always ends up with me sassing off, PULL OVER NOW PLEASE!! what the f....
it's friggin' hotter than a $2 whore, no a/c in the truck and i've got 3 kids sweaty and hot kids and cranky hubby and i'm not fun when i'm hot and mr trooper guy demands my license and registration. it was kinda funny because it was so hot that the registration card was stuck to pleather binder in the glove box...but not funny at all cuz i'm like "dude...what the frick?" my truck is legal, i wasn't speeding, we're all wearing our seatbelts...what. the.
you know what he had me pull over for? my shoulder strap was not over my shoulder. i was buckled in...i always buckle but i never if ever put the strap over my shoulder. it's not the first ticket i've gotten for the "offense" and it won't be my last. but to be sniper-copped at a toll booth on a really hot and humid day of driving all over East Bumshit looking for a truck...that's just messed up.
i wasn't disrespectful to the cop but i did do the eye roll thing and ask "for real?" he takes my info and comes back 10 minutes later (does it really take THAT long to print out a ticket?) and apologizes to me for giving me a ticket and that it's "clickit or ticket" week and blah blah. listen dude cop guy - i've been pulled over before because a cop didn't see my shoulder belt and they left the side of my car WITHOUT giving me a ticket. i've passed cops going 45mph in a 30mph zone and they never even looked at me (and it's not like you could miss me in my tank). i've been pulled over because my truck is loud and they liked my "i'm only speeding because i have to poop" bumper sticker (for real..ask hubby) and i never got a ticket. so for him to apologize for giving me a ticket when i KNOW it's at his discretion to do so is like putting a gun to my head and telling me "you have mosquito in your hair". (ok, that was a messed up analogy). but you know what i mean?
and....giving me a ticket doesn't make me run home with my tail between my legs. when i go to school tomorrow, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. when i drop the kids off at work, i will be buckled but with no shoulder strap. the shoulder strap annoys my boobs...really bad. the strap either rides up and chokes the living shit out of me or it gets stuck under my boob and just looks really ridiculous. so i won't do it.
and exactly what is a "living shit"? that's a funny term, right there.
so thanks mr sniper trooper man - thanks for the ticket. no really, i understand that the 18 yr old shoulder strap in my truck that doesn't catch when i stop fast can't save my life if i don't wear it but ...umm...other than the belt portion latching, the shoulder belt (in my truck) is just something pretty look at...and to annoy my boobs. it wouldn't save my big block head from hitting the windshield anyway. you'll get my check in mail.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
thanks unemployment insurance....
thanks for friggin' nothing!!
dear blog,
i've missed you blog. i need you more than you know - i can't punch walls because i'm the one who has to repair sheet rock (lol)
when my hubby got laid off in november 2009 he filed for unemployment.
to make a short story long - he filed for unemployment and got denied. the employer (a corporate guy whose never met hubby) made it sound like my hubby was a criminal by saying he "violated code of conduct and ethics" bullshit! (what he did wrong was install the hardwood flooring he sold to a customer and she was so happy with his work she told the corporate office. bad idea. the bosses knew he did floors. he was doing it before he got the job there and two different assistant managers even helped him on several occasions but the company hired a contractor to work directly with the stores and hubby was undercutting the contractor. not on purpose - just because he has no overhead costs) so thanks for the nice compliment lady person, but......
well... we got the denial letter from the dept of labor stating you can't collect unemployment when you do something to get yourself fired. ummm...what?? yeah, we're all in a state of confusion now. too innocent for our own good i guess. per the instructions on the back of the letter we requested an appeal hearing...if only to make sure people didn't think hubby was some criminal, ya know? we kept going online to the "certify for benefits" page every week...but then when we got the denial letter - we stopped. who files for benefits when the dept of labor denies you? insert stupidity here...err...i mean innocence. well, like i said, we filed for an appeal and got one...six months later. yeah, you read that right - six months later. that's also six months of NOT certifying for claims/benefits.
so hubby and his ex-boss (the store manager hubby worked with) go to the appeal hearing and the judge sided with hubby. yaaaaay!! she said it was not right that he was fired because he was never given any kind of warning he'd be fired if he installed floors. they just BOOM!! fired him on one ladies raving compliment... (and this side job is something he's been doing for 14 years - before and during his employment there).
so now we're thinking, and we were told, that we'd get back (retroactive) pay for the six months he was unemployment but received no benefits. wow...that's so awesome!!! hubbies not working, we have hospital bills going on our credit report cuz we can't pay them, had to cancel cable and the ymca and cut out all kinds of things to keep from drowning and we're gonna get a retroactive unemployment check...???!!??! wrong. oh, so wrong. and it's wrong because of MY doing. if we had been going on the webpage and certifying for benefits the whole time, the whole six months...from denial letter to appeal hearing, we'd have gotten a check for nearly $7,000 (after taxes) but because we didn't - we got a check for $650. i have screwed us over...by my own hands. :o( :::::sigh:::::
it really sucks. i found out that we can write a letter requesting credit that we certify for, so i did...but nothing's guaranteed. and it's probalby just a formality thing - the friggen letter even said (after i found it and actually thoroughly read it this time) that you have to continue to certify to protect your benefits. just makes me feel like we can win for winning..and losing.
on a good note though, we were able to use the $600 to buy me a new (old) truck. and inside this $1,500 GMC, i found a $600 watch...that'll probalby send back cuz i'd be pissed if i left that watch in a stupid old truck and sold it.
thanks blog. i love you!! i'm going to bed now - i fell asleep putting our little one to bed and woke up at midnight...now i'll never get back to sleep and i need to make a flower birthday cake for the birthday boy's (aka hubby) birthday tomorrow.
dear blog,
i've missed you blog. i need you more than you know - i can't punch walls because i'm the one who has to repair sheet rock (lol)
when my hubby got laid off in november 2009 he filed for unemployment.
to make a short story long - he filed for unemployment and got denied. the employer (a corporate guy whose never met hubby) made it sound like my hubby was a criminal by saying he "violated code of conduct and ethics" bullshit! (what he did wrong was install the hardwood flooring he sold to a customer and she was so happy with his work she told the corporate office. bad idea. the bosses knew he did floors. he was doing it before he got the job there and two different assistant managers even helped him on several occasions but the company hired a contractor to work directly with the stores and hubby was undercutting the contractor. not on purpose - just because he has no overhead costs) so thanks for the nice compliment lady person, but......
well... we got the denial letter from the dept of labor stating you can't collect unemployment when you do something to get yourself fired. ummm...what?? yeah, we're all in a state of confusion now. too innocent for our own good i guess. per the instructions on the back of the letter we requested an appeal hearing...if only to make sure people didn't think hubby was some criminal, ya know? we kept going online to the "certify for benefits" page every week...but then when we got the denial letter - we stopped. who files for benefits when the dept of labor denies you? insert stupidity here...err...i mean innocence. well, like i said, we filed for an appeal and got one...six months later. yeah, you read that right - six months later. that's also six months of NOT certifying for claims/benefits.
so hubby and his ex-boss (the store manager hubby worked with) go to the appeal hearing and the judge sided with hubby. yaaaaay!! she said it was not right that he was fired because he was never given any kind of warning he'd be fired if he installed floors. they just BOOM!! fired him on one ladies raving compliment... (and this side job is something he's been doing for 14 years - before and during his employment there).
so now we're thinking, and we were told, that we'd get back (retroactive) pay for the six months he was unemployment but received no benefits. wow...that's so awesome!!! hubbies not working, we have hospital bills going on our credit report cuz we can't pay them, had to cancel cable and the ymca and cut out all kinds of things to keep from drowning and we're gonna get a retroactive unemployment check...???!!??! wrong. oh, so wrong. and it's wrong because of MY doing. if we had been going on the webpage and certifying for benefits the whole time, the whole six months...from denial letter to appeal hearing, we'd have gotten a check for nearly $7,000 (after taxes) but because we didn't - we got a check for $650. i have screwed us over...by my own hands. :o( :::::sigh:::::
it really sucks. i found out that we can write a letter requesting credit that we certify for, so i did...but nothing's guaranteed. and it's probalby just a formality thing - the friggen letter even said (after i found it and actually thoroughly read it this time) that you have to continue to certify to protect your benefits. just makes me feel like we can win for winning..and losing.
on a good note though, we were able to use the $600 to buy me a new (old) truck. and inside this $1,500 GMC, i found a $600 watch...that'll probalby send back cuz i'd be pissed if i left that watch in a stupid old truck and sold it.
thanks blog. i love you!! i'm going to bed now - i fell asleep putting our little one to bed and woke up at midnight...now i'll never get back to sleep and i need to make a flower birthday cake for the birthday boy's (aka hubby) birthday tomorrow.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
the sun and soap
dear blog,
my hubby and daughter set up a table at a flea market yesterday. i think they broke even money wise but they had a great day together, just the two of them and they both ended up with killer sunburns. my girl has the fair skin of a redhead (even though she's not a red head) and when i and the other kids caught up with them, she was hiding from the sun sitting under the table with her hoodie up over her head. dad wasn't complaining although his knees were so sunburned that the skin was swollen. some advil (for the girl) and aloe and bactine on both seemed to allow for a so-so night's sleep.
the mouse died. not drippy the four legged rodent, but the computer mouse.
why i started talking about the flea market is because at the flea market was a lady selling handmade soap. of course, because i make soap i wanted to check out the competition, so to speak. so i walked up and started sniffing all her soap. (lol) they looked like they were about 3 oz or so...no more than 4. out of maybe 15 soaps only two had strong scents (the clove and the peppermint). strike 1. soap, when you sell it to the public, has to be labeled - no labels. i asked her what she made her soap with, because she's selling it for $5.50 for a 3oz bar and i know she didn't invest in essential and fragrance oils and she tells me "....all natural base...". whoops...wait a minute sally. i'm not the type of person to call poeple out on stuff but i felt compelled. so i said "base?" and she goes on about this glycerine base and how it's so much better than anything else blah blah. strike 2.
my hubby and daughter set up a table at a flea market yesterday. i think they broke even money wise but they had a great day together, just the two of them and they both ended up with killer sunburns. my girl has the fair skin of a redhead (even though she's not a red head) and when i and the other kids caught up with them, she was hiding from the sun sitting under the table with her hoodie up over her head. dad wasn't complaining although his knees were so sunburned that the skin was swollen. some advil (for the girl) and aloe and bactine on both seemed to allow for a so-so night's sleep.
the mouse died. not drippy the four legged rodent, but the computer mouse.
why i started talking about the flea market is because at the flea market was a lady selling handmade soap. of course, because i make soap i wanted to check out the competition, so to speak. so i walked up and started sniffing all her soap. (lol) they looked like they were about 3 oz or so...no more than 4. out of maybe 15 soaps only two had strong scents (the clove and the peppermint). strike 1. soap, when you sell it to the public, has to be labeled - no labels. i asked her what she made her soap with, because she's selling it for $5.50 for a 3oz bar and i know she didn't invest in essential and fragrance oils and she tells me "....all natural base...". whoops...wait a minute sally. i'm not the type of person to call poeple out on stuff but i felt compelled. so i said "base?" and she goes on about this glycerine base and how it's so much better than anything else blah blah. strike 2.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
i need sleep...and other stuff...
dear blog,
it's the day after i last blogged so i won't run the risk of blogging twice in one day.
my thyme and my oregano are doing great!! my basil died. it was hiding under a big hosta and it didn't get watered. #1 (child) is confounded because she says basil likes it dry so i am basil-less. i might just buy a plant from the barn - that did well last year. we'll see. all but 2 petunias have passed on to their next assignment, too. the ivy is doing great so what gives? i've planted petunias and ivy together before so i'm not really sure what's going on there either. no tomatoes yet. i usually buy from the guy on brookview who sells his own honey but i haven't seen his sign. he sells heirloom tomato plants. need to get crackin' on that though.
i thought we'd take a road trip for hubby's b-day coming up. our favorite football team is having a free 'watch a practice' day. (the teams been stinking really bad the last few years...they want to woo fans back)everything is free from the parking to admission to hot dogs (i think)...we'd just have to get there. and there's the kick in the pants. 6 hours one way for a 2 hour practice session? me and the kids are on board...just gotta get the birthday boy with it. but they also have games and bouncy bounce things and vendors who give stuff away so we could make a day of it, maybe spend the nite somwhere? i don't know.
ever hear the saying "i'm so tired but i can't sleep"? omg, that is soooo me! i haven't slept in 2.5 years. finally, i got over my fear of too many rx drugs and asked my dr for something to help me,...either help me fall asleep or keep me from waking up. he gave me ambien. a whole tablet kicked my ass. a half a tablet worked perfect...if i could sleep for 8+ hours. if i woke up too early i was a zombie. not good. and i have to get up in the night to...uhhh...get to my office. no zombies in the bathroom please. (hahaha) so here it is almost 1 am (again) and i'm still up.
it's the day after i last blogged so i won't run the risk of blogging twice in one day.
my thyme and my oregano are doing great!! my basil died. it was hiding under a big hosta and it didn't get watered. #1 (child) is confounded because she says basil likes it dry so i am basil-less. i might just buy a plant from the barn - that did well last year. we'll see. all but 2 petunias have passed on to their next assignment, too. the ivy is doing great so what gives? i've planted petunias and ivy together before so i'm not really sure what's going on there either. no tomatoes yet. i usually buy from the guy on brookview who sells his own honey but i haven't seen his sign. he sells heirloom tomato plants. need to get crackin' on that though.
i thought we'd take a road trip for hubby's b-day coming up. our favorite football team is having a free 'watch a practice' day. (the teams been stinking really bad the last few years...they want to woo fans back)everything is free from the parking to admission to hot dogs (i think)...we'd just have to get there. and there's the kick in the pants. 6 hours one way for a 2 hour practice session? me and the kids are on board...just gotta get the birthday boy with it. but they also have games and bouncy bounce things and vendors who give stuff away so we could make a day of it, maybe spend the nite somwhere? i don't know.
ever hear the saying "i'm so tired but i can't sleep"? omg, that is soooo me! i haven't slept in 2.5 years. finally, i got over my fear of too many rx drugs and asked my dr for something to help me,...either help me fall asleep or keep me from waking up. he gave me ambien. a whole tablet kicked my ass. a half a tablet worked perfect...if i could sleep for 8+ hours. if i woke up too early i was a zombie. not good. and i have to get up in the night to...uhhh...get to my office. no zombies in the bathroom please. (hahaha) so here it is almost 1 am (again) and i'm still up.
wrong can't be undone
dear blog,
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
as you may or may not know, i listen to the radio a lot. music - not talk shows, weather on the 9s or morning rush programming. i also can't stand rap music and new country crap. i hear a lot of songs, a lot of lyrics, a lot of people's hearts in those lyrics and things will often jump out at me. like...my heart. in those lyrics (how do they do that, by the way?).
some lyrics are really good. you know someone had to have felt like putting a gun to their head when they wrote that. you can't fake that. some lyrics are also quite crappy. we don't listen to crap.
driving home from my oldest daughter's college stuff this morning with my hubby and daughter - kenny wayne sheppard band's blue on back came on the radio and i'm singing along pretending i'm janis joplin meets melissa etheridge and the line "wrong can't be undone" punches me in the face. what the frick? it put a blip in my singing, but i carried on. the song is most likely about KWS losing his woman and how nothing in the world will change it.
but...for me...
wrongs can't be undone. yes, that's right? you can beg for forgiveness... and receive it. if it makes you feel better, makes you sleep at night, pray to your god, light your candles, meditate, cast your spells or have jesus christ himself come down and forgive you for your wrongs but know they can't be undone. period. name the wrong - from lying to stealing to breaking trust to cheating to child abuse and domestic violence to adultery to whatever. once it's done...it's done. it's over johnny! you can't undo it. yeah, i forgive you (but it doesn't change a thing). minds can be made to forget (but something always brings it back) and hearts can be made to heal (but there's always a crack) and bones can be mended (but there's always a scar).
moral of the story: don't do bad stuff. wrongs can't be undone. don't be that person who broke his/her heart, or stole her rent money, or told lies, or broke your kids arm. just don't. the broken heart you save might just be your own.
Monday, May 24, 2010
do you want to look like a scumbag?
dear blog,
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
i've never been one to really care what other people think about/of me. i'm not a bad person and i try to be helpful to people when i can. but in the same breath, i don't do things that are against "me" or my beliefs just to make someone like me. i'm not always the most popular person in the room because of it but at the end of the day - i can look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and i can sleep at night (if i could sleep, i'd be sleeping).
my hubby makes stuff. he brings wood home and makes things. sometimes it's cool stuff - like our headboard that is made out of a church door or the adirondack chairs he makes out of recycled wood. sometimes, eh..not so much. of course i tell him if i like it or not..he always calls me a pain in the ass but he knows i'll tell him the truth. recently, he made this little corner fence for the corner of our property. like a little 2 ft long picket fence. he enjoyed making it and him and our littlest girl painted it. they had a really good time...especially when little pup made daddy where a frilly, ruffly apron to paint (i had little one wear her apron so she wouldn't get paint on her clothes). if i had to choose between keeping the fence up or taking it down....i'd probably take it down. i'm not a fan of it. but i know he liked making it and seeing him and #4 paint it was priceless. so there that little handmade corner picket fence sits.
i remember being at sears one day looking at clothes. at the time #4 was in between being in the little girl clothes and big-little girl clothes. i'm meandering around and i hear this little girl ask her mom if she can have this dress. mom says "no!! do you want to look like a scum bag?!" i couldn't see the little girl, but i can only assume she put the dress down because i didn't hear either one of them again. i actually have a sister in law who has that same attitude. it's sad to me that she's raising my nieces and nephew to think you're a better person if you wear nice clothes and have expensive toys (like the 4 year old having a $169 nintendo DS).
now, i know clothes and little picket fences aren't the same thing but i'm thinking....whose to say what is scum baggy? am i scum bag because hubby put his homemade picket fence on the corner? apparently in some circles i am. apparently, because i didn't spend $200 for handmade, one of a kind corner picket fence...i am less than_____.
sitting here, on break at school, i can tell you that besides me having a bad attitude and doing things because i want to and not caring what other people think - i am less scum bag than that lady is for not letting her little girl buy the dress she wanted. i made my hubby and my little girl happy because i smiled and told them their fence looked awesome! i am happy because they are happy.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
i'm sorry i let you down....
dear blog,
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
i didn't pass nursing 2 last fall. i did great in clinicals and was great with the patients, the instructors were positive in their evaluations of me....but...i didn't pass the final. not passing the final meant i didn't pass nursing 2. i was crushed. i cried. i swore. i blamed everything, everyone but myself (at the time had to deal with an impending removal of my womanhood and surgeries, now, scare the shit out of me) but eventually realized that maybe being a nurse wasn't really for me. it was a sad moment because for as long as i can remember i wanted to be a nurse. and my sweet poohead always kicked me in the butt when i felt overwhelmed and pushed me.
little girl dreams do not make grown up reality. especially when my little girl dream cost $4,000 for the semester i failed. after long and hard deliberation i decided i wouldn't retake nursing 2. i wouldn't try to be a nurse. if money were no object, i'd have done it agian and hired tutors and such. but money is an object and i really had no desire to fail again. cliche or not - failure is not an option.
so again, with my poohead's buttkicking (and blessing, i thought)i changed my major from nursing to liberal arts with a psychology concentration. i'll have my associate's degree mid december. that's a good thing. i checked bls.gov and psychology careers are expected to rise 18% in the next 8 years and they make good money. even had the idea that when i moved to get bachelor's and master's (down the road) that i'd minor in nutrition so i could help people who have eating disorders or where food is their enemy (don't ask).
well...the last few weeks, as i was preparing to start the new summer semester, excited as i can be to get my college education moving forward again - i'm feeling little jabs and small kicks in the balls here and there. "mom, i wish you'd finish nursing school like the mind reader said" or "tam, it'd be really nice if you were still in nursing school" or "it was nice telling people my mom was going to be a nurse"....stuff like that. today, it came to a head when we were in the car heading to shane's baseball game. they think i'm a loser (not their words) and that i give up and i can't follow through on anything. ::::bottom lip starts quivering::::
it makes me sad that i've let people down. i'm sorry. i wanted to be a nurse but if i can't do the work, i can't do it. i'm sorry i let you down. really, i am. i know that our livelihood will eventually depend on me to be formally educated. i promised that when our kids were big enough to not "need" me, we'd switch rolls and i'd work and you could focus on nurturing your business full time. i hope that our conversation has eased and soothed everyone's fears and worries. i just can't have the people i love the most keep chipping away at my already fragile esteem.
it will all work out, i promise it will. my final destination will be reached i just have to take a different path to get there. that's all. i will not let you down. i will make you proud of me!!
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