hey blog.
ya know...? i'm not one for wallowing in my own shit. sometimes i do - like a few years back. i'd almost dare anyone on this planet to go through what i did and not crack - at least a little bit. but for the most part when the shit hits the fan and i can't duck in time and i catch a piece of it in my eye - i find i can always find something positive. i might bitch and moan for a minute...throw a cuss word around, maybe kick something but it doesn't take me forever to regain my composure. we take a deep breath and we say "fuck you" to the bad thing and we pick up the pieces (or start over, if need be).
i think there's a post on this blog somewhere about our "american nightmare"...what i call mine and P's version of the american dream. go find it, read it and get some background knowledge. i really don't think it's too much to ask that we own and actually hold the deed to this teeny, tiny, little 0.13 acres of land. P has always busted his ass, working hard to support our family - oft times working two jobs (to be honest, i think he did that cuz he was tired of crying babies and me bitching...lol) when you have to work with your back and not your brain - you work harder but for less money. i'd challenge ANYONE who would dare say otherwise about my P! but despite that...we've never been close to touching "middle class" - even on our tippy toes.
but this....this little house on 0.13 acres of land was ours. we worked hard for it!!! nothing has been given to us, we haven't inherited any land, any money, any anything (but really fkd up genetic BS). it's not taken for granted. P and i lived in his firebird for a week in the parking lot in front of the auto parts store. i didn't take the damn trailers for granted. i do have to wonder what i'm being punished for for THIS to happen though.
i feel like i'm gonna start whining...lol but i've been awake since 6:45yesterday morning. it's nearly 6am. i'm exhausted. i feel like i've been kicked in the balls. i feel like i've been dangling from the ledge of a 500 story building and some douchehat is stomping on my fingers. i think this one is gonna take me more than a minute to get over and move on from. :o/ if this spewing of my bruised and battered heart seems all over the place, it's probably because it is.
i got a call from our lawyer this morning.
months ago he told us that there was a huge chance everything was going to be ok. ok, if you say so (as i write another check for $5k). then P got laid off and almost simultaneously things took a funky turn with the house. don't pay the mortgage he says. don't pay the taxes. don't do anything. (as we empty our itty bitty 401k and write him another check). you guys were SO wronged. This is unheard of. Lawyers don't have of copies of the paperwork (lawyers make copies of copies), and oh...the title company. bad people. LS - fucking satan!! lawsuit number 2...them versus us.
we've lived the last year of our lives in this uncertainty - this fog i guess. maybe a fairytale fog. a bubble of - the real world is out there and we're in here protected by our attorney. i know better than to believe anybody. *I* knew better. i said we need a planB. ok, P says. months fly by and screw living pay check to paycheck, we're living day to friggen day and no plan B. today - no plan B.
under this false sense of security we've been lax. i admit it whole-heartedly. we purposefully let new goals (continuing education = more $$, right?) take the place of making sure the roof stays over our head. lax in heartily looking for a job. taking advantage of the decades of money put INTO the system and finally collecting unemployment. taking advantage of a second chance at a college education. taking advantage, for ONCE, of not having to pay rent or a mortgage. ::::sigh::::: oh, mr K.
mr K told me today that he's not optimistic that we'll get to keep our house. through no fault of ours - that's why you hire lawyers...to make sure the paperwork is in order. to make sure it's filed with the county. people buy houses every damn day and lawyers take care of the legal stuff. except here. i still remember the day i drove so fast over here, hoping i'd get to swipe the "sold" sign before the realtor came to get it. maybe that's why i'm being punished.
i wanted the "sold" sign. fucking greedy tammy.
mr K and these "negotiations"...he requested we get the house for half of what it's worth and with a 5% interest rate BECAUSE WE WERE SO WRONGED!! we filled out the financial papers. whoopsy - no one in this house has an income. yeah - they're gonna go for that, huh? not. so now, mr k says we go on the OFFENSIVE instead of the DEFENSIVE. they're suing us left and flippin' right and we're blocking the kicks to the ass. now it's time for someone else who got paid lots of money for title insurance, and closing costs and such, to answer to "what. the. fuck." whoopsy again - can't find him/them.
but we're on the offensive now (after another $3,500). i wish i had thought of asking for punitive damages...the thought of the "sold" sign flashes through my mind. this offensive tactic will afford us probably another 6-12 months living in my forever house. and then we have to move. we have to move and we have no plan b. no way to make a plan b. no way to subsidize aplan b. no resources to even plan to plan a plan b. at this point - i want to crawl in my bed, turn my fan on high, pull the covers up over my head and stay there. forever.
my fairytale fog has been cleared away by a lack of optimism by mr k. ignorance IS bliss. MY fairytale ignorance was blissful... and i just wanted to finish college without having to get a job..ya know...wait til i can work with my brain and not my hands. perhaps i want too much?
right after christmas - *I* will make a plan B. i have no idea how to. it's not supposed to be my job. but i'll do it - i just want to wait til after christmas.
(i guess that's a good sign that i won't stay under my covers forever if i think about eventually having a plan b). now, i will go cry myself to sleep. hopefully. mmmmmmm....hope is a beautiful word.
i love you blog. i don't think i'd have the strength to even think about finding hope. you're the best!!
hmmm...now that i got this off my chest and heart, i'll probably delete it in the morning...or night.....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
how do i condense such a jam packed week?
i can't. no condensing is possible. i'll try but you'll miss out on all the fun stuff.
hey blog!!
so i got back from a week spent in las vegas on saturday. totally amazing. pictures and words aren't enough to describe this past week. i missed out on $300 (overbooked airline wanted to buy out seats but like a dip i got lost in the airport and missed out. told hubby i'd have done it...lol). i won $1,000 though. pretty amazing. i think las vegas should be called the city that never sleeps. spent time with my bio-dad and half sister. that was pretty neat. i don't really know these people but we all just got along so well. i saw the jersey boys (a play about frankie valli and the four seasons) and the blue man group. what absolutely amazing shows!!! i'd see the BMG a second time, that's how great they were. i'm a sucker for drums i guess. dinner for 5 people never came in at under $300 no matter what we ate. they didn't ever try to contain costs though. they couldn't understand me wanting to hold on to my $1,000 either...lol i came home with $600 of it - pretty damn good considering i left NY with $140.
got my hair done today. now i'm as pretty as i am hot!! (bragging and complaining...lol)
had a shirt debacle today at target. i'm really pissed and the flusterization of having to change in my truck made me have a hot flash (and not in a good way) and it took forever to cool down. but little did i realize that the $2 clearance tshirt at target i had to change into cuz of the black fuzzies that ended up on my other white shirt from the jacket i tried on would be completely see through in the rain. what. the. so to be having a hot flash and needing to wear my jacket cuz of the see thru shirt....nice! not. (well, yeah, it was)
and on a side note: im in awe of people who can blog about one topic at a time. i can't do that. i don't understand the concept. lol
found a dear, old friend on facebook today. i am SO happy!! i feel like a teenager! lol i can't wait to call her tomorrow so we can catch up!
well, i'm gonna go eat some cashews and lay down. 6:45 comes early when 2am is your bedtime.
and what happens in chicago - stays in chicago!! got fricken lost. lost my mind. mind your manners. miss manners. mississippi. mississippi queen. queen of england. english muffin. down on the muffin. okay - really time to go now...lolol
hey blog!!
so i got back from a week spent in las vegas on saturday. totally amazing. pictures and words aren't enough to describe this past week. i missed out on $300 (overbooked airline wanted to buy out seats but like a dip i got lost in the airport and missed out. told hubby i'd have done it...lol). i won $1,000 though. pretty amazing. i think las vegas should be called the city that never sleeps. spent time with my bio-dad and half sister. that was pretty neat. i don't really know these people but we all just got along so well. i saw the jersey boys (a play about frankie valli and the four seasons) and the blue man group. what absolutely amazing shows!!! i'd see the BMG a second time, that's how great they were. i'm a sucker for drums i guess. dinner for 5 people never came in at under $300 no matter what we ate. they didn't ever try to contain costs though. they couldn't understand me wanting to hold on to my $1,000 either...lol i came home with $600 of it - pretty damn good considering i left NY with $140.
got my hair done today. now i'm as pretty as i am hot!! (bragging and complaining...lol)
had a shirt debacle today at target. i'm really pissed and the flusterization of having to change in my truck made me have a hot flash (and not in a good way) and it took forever to cool down. but little did i realize that the $2 clearance tshirt at target i had to change into cuz of the black fuzzies that ended up on my other white shirt from the jacket i tried on would be completely see through in the rain. what. the. so to be having a hot flash and needing to wear my jacket cuz of the see thru shirt....nice! not. (well, yeah, it was)
and on a side note: im in awe of people who can blog about one topic at a time. i can't do that. i don't understand the concept. lol
found a dear, old friend on facebook today. i am SO happy!! i feel like a teenager! lol i can't wait to call her tomorrow so we can catch up!
well, i'm gonna go eat some cashews and lay down. 6:45 comes early when 2am is your bedtime.
and what happens in chicago - stays in chicago!! got fricken lost. lost my mind. mind your manners. miss manners. mississippi. mississippi queen. queen of england. english muffin. down on the muffin. okay - really time to go now...lolol
Thursday, September 23, 2010
everyone knows i'm in over my head
do you like it when i sing to you blog? i don't know all the words but i am in over my head.
this afternoon has been the most ass-kickingest afternoon and it started last night.
first, let me start off by saying that i'm taking 16 credits this semester. I could have continued to go part time and i would have finished my associates degree in May. But I didn't want to wait - I'm impatient. I've been working on my associates since January 2006 - between....well, between everything (and I mean EVERY) that has tried to trip me up. So I wanna be done. NOW! Enter full course load. Enter being over my head. I can't be a wife (be a GOOD wife) and be a mother (be a GOOD mother), run a house and be a full time college student. It's hard. It's harder than I thought it was going to be. I know people do it all the time, some do it without the help of a partner but I am overwhelmed. Add to the mix my anatomy 'stuff' and I'm falling apart. I won't give up and i will persevere but I don't mind saying that I'm over my friggen head.
Part of it is staying up until 2-2:30am (yes, I said AM) getting school work done. There seems to be more of it than there are hours in the day. So my shitty afternoon started last night - err...this morning. It was 1:30am and I'm 16 questions in on a 20 question abnormal psych quiz. i'm really reaching for this stuff...I mean, I don't even remember reading this stuff and it's on the quiz? well, I answer question #16 and BAM! blackboard goes out. ummm...what just happened? don't do this. not now! oh. my. gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! 1:30am.
okay - fk it. i'm going to bed. Then I can't stay sleeping cuz I ate something. what? what did i eat? oh, i ate a flippin' milky way candy bar. you rotten mother f...... then i'm up at 6:30 cuz the girls were arguing or talking loudly or whatever (small house). fast forward - i get ahold of psych teacher and she says, it's ok. blackboard has my test "in progress" so go finish it. whew, ok! somehow i pull an 80 out of my ass crack and i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i email the teach, tell her i'm done. crack a joke about how i answered hypothalamus and not thalamus and please tell me what the answer it so i don't go nuts and she replies saying we don't have your test. what? what!! meditate a bit - huge pain behind my left eye but i ignore it. ok. tammy, what do big girls now? besides eat a gallon of ice cream.
i go back to blackboard - check out philosophy, say something clever and witty on the discussion board and head on over to critical thinking. there is this guy named heath who is a fkn know it all. yeah, we get it big guy - you're alpha male, god's gift to online critical thinking classes everywhere but stop picking on MY posts and telling me what *I'M* doing wrong and... I don't know...just work on your own shit. then this ...person (i don't know what gender ianthe is) gets fkn snarky with a comment i made on his/her argument example. what. the. fuck. i wasn't rude, didn't call him/her stupid. i just did what our assignment is and that is after you make an argument example, you "judge" your classmates on theirs. do you think they did it right? what do you think is missing? stuff like that. First I said that I though A was good and her premise for A was good but her second premise was relative and it cant be backed up with studies just opinion. as i continue on down the message board via blackboard i notice - hey! i'm doing this wrong. i'm getting ahead of myself and we're just supposed to do THIS...not THIS and THAT. so i go back up to her/his post and say just that. Well don't you know it, i stuck a fork in her/his eye and he/she gets snarky. fuck you ianthe!! you're a douche bag. so to make matters worse, of course, i snarkily say back to IT that she shouldn't take the criticism personally and i'm only doing what 20 something other people are doing so go rag on them. as soon as i clicked submit i thought better of it and i'll just invite ianthe to a bar and kick her/his ass the old fashioned way - screw computers!! but nope - can't delete, retract, move, anything. so again - fk it! i give. thursday, you had kicked me in the nuts too many times. i'm going to school now.
then P tells me i need to leave early to get gas in the truck. what? i'm already late, are you serious? i text my teacher and tell her i'll be late, grab my stuff and head out the door. i get to the gas station, pay for my gas and a piece of taffy and head out the door. no friggin' lie - i got in my truck and took off. i didn't pump the gas. just thought i'd put $20 on pump 7 and let someone else use the gas. thankfully, i was able to turn around quickly enough to get back to the pump and not lose my gas or the $20.
so that's been my stupid, ugly, rotten day.
but i did come home to the sweetest little note on my pillow (written by daddy, dictated by little S) and it made my heart swell up with so much love. so my ass is sore from getting it kicked all day long...but what an absolute treasure my family is.
i am surrendering to thursday (at almost 11pm...wtf?). i will go to the bathroom. i will go lay down on my bed. and i will (hopefully) sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.
nitey nite!
this afternoon has been the most ass-kickingest afternoon and it started last night.
first, let me start off by saying that i'm taking 16 credits this semester. I could have continued to go part time and i would have finished my associates degree in May. But I didn't want to wait - I'm impatient. I've been working on my associates since January 2006 - between....well, between everything (and I mean EVERY) that has tried to trip me up. So I wanna be done. NOW! Enter full course load. Enter being over my head. I can't be a wife (be a GOOD wife) and be a mother (be a GOOD mother), run a house and be a full time college student. It's hard. It's harder than I thought it was going to be. I know people do it all the time, some do it without the help of a partner but I am overwhelmed. Add to the mix my anatomy 'stuff' and I'm falling apart. I won't give up and i will persevere but I don't mind saying that I'm over my friggen head.
Part of it is staying up until 2-2:30am (yes, I said AM) getting school work done. There seems to be more of it than there are hours in the day. So my shitty afternoon started last night - err...this morning. It was 1:30am and I'm 16 questions in on a 20 question abnormal psych quiz. i'm really reaching for this stuff...I mean, I don't even remember reading this stuff and it's on the quiz? well, I answer question #16 and BAM! blackboard goes out. ummm...what just happened? don't do this. not now! oh. my. gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! 1:30am.
okay - fk it. i'm going to bed. Then I can't stay sleeping cuz I ate something. what? what did i eat? oh, i ate a flippin' milky way candy bar. you rotten mother f...... then i'm up at 6:30 cuz the girls were arguing or talking loudly or whatever (small house). fast forward - i get ahold of psych teacher and she says, it's ok. blackboard has my test "in progress" so go finish it. whew, ok! somehow i pull an 80 out of my ass crack and i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i email the teach, tell her i'm done. crack a joke about how i answered hypothalamus and not thalamus and please tell me what the answer it so i don't go nuts and she replies saying we don't have your test. what? what!! meditate a bit - huge pain behind my left eye but i ignore it. ok. tammy, what do big girls now? besides eat a gallon of ice cream.
i go back to blackboard - check out philosophy, say something clever and witty on the discussion board and head on over to critical thinking. there is this guy named heath who is a fkn know it all. yeah, we get it big guy - you're alpha male, god's gift to online critical thinking classes everywhere but stop picking on MY posts and telling me what *I'M* doing wrong and... I don't know...just work on your own shit. then this ...person (i don't know what gender ianthe is) gets fkn snarky with a comment i made on his/her argument example. what. the. fuck. i wasn't rude, didn't call him/her stupid. i just did what our assignment is and that is after you make an argument example, you "judge" your classmates on theirs. do you think they did it right? what do you think is missing? stuff like that. First I said that I though A was good and her premise for A was good but her second premise was relative and it cant be backed up with studies just opinion. as i continue on down the message board via blackboard i notice - hey! i'm doing this wrong. i'm getting ahead of myself and we're just supposed to do THIS...not THIS and THAT. so i go back up to her/his post and say just that. Well don't you know it, i stuck a fork in her/his eye and he/she gets snarky. fuck you ianthe!! you're a douche bag. so to make matters worse, of course, i snarkily say back to IT that she shouldn't take the criticism personally and i'm only doing what 20 something other people are doing so go rag on them. as soon as i clicked submit i thought better of it and i'll just invite ianthe to a bar and kick her/his ass the old fashioned way - screw computers!! but nope - can't delete, retract, move, anything. so again - fk it! i give. thursday, you had kicked me in the nuts too many times. i'm going to school now.
then P tells me i need to leave early to get gas in the truck. what? i'm already late, are you serious? i text my teacher and tell her i'll be late, grab my stuff and head out the door. i get to the gas station, pay for my gas and a piece of taffy and head out the door. no friggin' lie - i got in my truck and took off. i didn't pump the gas. just thought i'd put $20 on pump 7 and let someone else use the gas. thankfully, i was able to turn around quickly enough to get back to the pump and not lose my gas or the $20.
so that's been my stupid, ugly, rotten day.
but i did come home to the sweetest little note on my pillow (written by daddy, dictated by little S) and it made my heart swell up with so much love. so my ass is sore from getting it kicked all day long...but what an absolute treasure my family is.
i am surrendering to thursday (at almost 11pm...wtf?). i will go to the bathroom. i will go lay down on my bed. and i will (hopefully) sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep.
nitey nite!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
what a solid sleep will do for you
bonjour blog!
On monday I couldn't quite get into the swing of things. I finished up an essay, did some loose ends for the rest of my classes and then called it quits. I was in bed by 9. Yesterday (Tuesday) I couldn't get in the swing of anything - at all. breathing was ahuge task. I had a drs appt and then I just did stuff - nothing that would cause me any kind of brain usage. besides the general feeling of being sick i had some kind of metal taste in my mouth. yuck!
i hit the sack again by 9p and wouldn't ya know it? i slept so DEEPLY all night long - from 9ish to 7. I usually get around 6hours of sleep a night but until last night, being sick :::deep sigh::: i had forgotten what a deep, restful sleep felt like. i ended up going back to bed this morning when i got little S to school but it felt good. and apparently i needed it or my bed wouldn't have called so loudly.
funky-ass dreams when you're either sick, sleeping deeply or both. so vivid - like i was standing there, no one could see me (if only) and i'm watching this film of these events go by. to me, they were in slow motion (like the dream with the boy with long red hair just bouncing and flowing like a shampoo commercial) but they also seemed so fast. and now that i think about it - last night must have been a hair night - i also dreamt about long, dark hair and getting lost in it. i think it was a guy cuz the hair holder was taller than me but it wasn't sexual at all. it felt like - safe? then i dreamt about my bed in the second hotel in vegas. i think the excalibur is first and then the venetian. i'll get one night in the venetian since i'm leaving friday but the bed. i think i did a fabric softener commercial that time. i flopped down on the bed and it swallowed me up. it did feel strange - like the bed was trying to hold me down but when i struggled, it let me up. then i laid down onit again and it was ok.
i must be having issues with going to vegas alone. hmmm...odd. i like being alone so that's kinda strange. i am having issues with being 2,500 miles away from home with $300. if i'm lucky it'll be $300. my father is paying for lodging and food and one night at a play but the rest is on me. i've been googling around for things to do for free while in vegas and i've found some things. afew museums, a titanic exhibit ($25) and a CSI experience ($30?) but i have to bring home souvenirs. i can't go to las vegas and not bring the kiddos home something. anything. i don't mind walking around for four days, and i have school work to do but yikes. couldn't just ONE person need a damn floor done? gah!
and can i just say that plastic gets a bad rap - or wrap! lolol oh, i crack myself up. i use glass as much as i can, i try not to store anything in plastic, put plastic in the mirowave, i recycle nearly every dang thing but there are times when you need plastic. would you put a glass shampoo bottle in the shower? no. do you have any idea how many time the shampoo gets dropped. imagine the blood and leaking guts if you dropped glass in the shower. and you were alone. not pretty.
well, i guess i'll post this meaningless pile of hoo-ha and try to catch up on my work. only 2.5hours before kids get home and i'm a day and a half behind on school work. i'll just have to get back into my midnight - one am bedtime routine and catch up. but i need a microphone for the argumentative essay. and microsoft(?) to do the voice part. eh - wtf? who cares. i'll get to that when i get to it.
til then - where's my iced tea/sugar free lemonade concoction? ......
On monday I couldn't quite get into the swing of things. I finished up an essay, did some loose ends for the rest of my classes and then called it quits. I was in bed by 9. Yesterday (Tuesday) I couldn't get in the swing of anything - at all. breathing was ahuge task. I had a drs appt and then I just did stuff - nothing that would cause me any kind of brain usage. besides the general feeling of being sick i had some kind of metal taste in my mouth. yuck!
i hit the sack again by 9p and wouldn't ya know it? i slept so DEEPLY all night long - from 9ish to 7. I usually get around 6hours of sleep a night but until last night, being sick :::deep sigh::: i had forgotten what a deep, restful sleep felt like. i ended up going back to bed this morning when i got little S to school but it felt good. and apparently i needed it or my bed wouldn't have called so loudly.
funky-ass dreams when you're either sick, sleeping deeply or both. so vivid - like i was standing there, no one could see me (if only) and i'm watching this film of these events go by. to me, they were in slow motion (like the dream with the boy with long red hair just bouncing and flowing like a shampoo commercial) but they also seemed so fast. and now that i think about it - last night must have been a hair night - i also dreamt about long, dark hair and getting lost in it. i think it was a guy cuz the hair holder was taller than me but it wasn't sexual at all. it felt like - safe? then i dreamt about my bed in the second hotel in vegas. i think the excalibur is first and then the venetian. i'll get one night in the venetian since i'm leaving friday but the bed. i think i did a fabric softener commercial that time. i flopped down on the bed and it swallowed me up. it did feel strange - like the bed was trying to hold me down but when i struggled, it let me up. then i laid down onit again and it was ok.
i must be having issues with going to vegas alone. hmmm...odd. i like being alone so that's kinda strange. i am having issues with being 2,500 miles away from home with $300. if i'm lucky it'll be $300. my father is paying for lodging and food and one night at a play but the rest is on me. i've been googling around for things to do for free while in vegas and i've found some things. afew museums, a titanic exhibit ($25) and a CSI experience ($30?) but i have to bring home souvenirs. i can't go to las vegas and not bring the kiddos home something. anything. i don't mind walking around for four days, and i have school work to do but yikes. couldn't just ONE person need a damn floor done? gah!
and can i just say that plastic gets a bad rap - or wrap! lolol oh, i crack myself up. i use glass as much as i can, i try not to store anything in plastic, put plastic in the mirowave, i recycle nearly every dang thing but there are times when you need plastic. would you put a glass shampoo bottle in the shower? no. do you have any idea how many time the shampoo gets dropped. imagine the blood and leaking guts if you dropped glass in the shower. and you were alone. not pretty.
well, i guess i'll post this meaningless pile of hoo-ha and try to catch up on my work. only 2.5hours before kids get home and i'm a day and a half behind on school work. i'll just have to get back into my midnight - one am bedtime routine and catch up. but i need a microphone for the argumentative essay. and microsoft(?) to do the voice part. eh - wtf? who cares. i'll get to that when i get to it.
til then - where's my iced tea/sugar free lemonade concoction? ......
Thursday, September 16, 2010
sister golden hair
hola blog! i realize that it's been over a week since we've last spoken. i have no excuse. just hard to when i sit at the dining room table - i face outward, my back to the wall but i still don't feel like i'm alone enough. if alone is even the word i want to use.
my favorite version of "beast of burdon" is by far bette midler.
i'm regretting having three online classes. i really am. i go to school for history (topics in salem) but i take philosophy, critical thinking and abnormal psych home, online. it's not structured enough. and even if it were structured - i don't have enough alone time. (there's that word again). i've taken one online class at a time, but three? not sure what i was thinking. i just keep reminding myself - 13 weeks to go. 13 weeks to go.
i guess we've decided that i'll be going to vegas alone. :::sigh::: i really want P to go. :o/ the kids want us both to go. but...he won't go. "it's the responsible thing to do" - as if my going w/o him is irresponsible? no. NO! that's not what he was thinking. it will be fun to spend some fun time with my older sister and my father. we spent all our "spending money" on our summer trip and there's nothing for me to go to vegas with. i told the kids i'll buy one tshirt that says 'my mom went to vegas and all i got was this tshirt'.... and they have to share it...lolol that's funny right? :o)
so yeah - we've got eddie money 'shakin' on the radio after foghat's 'slowride' and i'm lost in the white lines on the highway. you know you've done that, too. like subconsciously you're just gonna follow those white lines even if they go past your exit. and not for any real reason either. it's just one of those of things - like staring off into space when people have their hand in your face, snapping their fingers. good thing there are four exits that i can take to get to our house. haha!
i was thinking about what a bad rap plastic gets. some stuff just comes in plastic, no matter how damn green you try to be. i don't like plastic. i don't like the things i hear about plastics (likein the microwave) but i can't find rice in glass baggies. i haven't seen 5 gallon water jugs in glass. even cereal comes in a plastic bag - surrounded by recyclable cardboard. i hope it's one of those things that don't end up being as bad 'they' tout them to be.
well, i guess you can see now why i haven't been on here much to talk to you blog. i have nothing to say. just blech! i'm gonna go pee then go to bed. 6:45 comes early.
nitey nite!
my favorite version of "beast of burdon" is by far bette midler.
i'm regretting having three online classes. i really am. i go to school for history (topics in salem) but i take philosophy, critical thinking and abnormal psych home, online. it's not structured enough. and even if it were structured - i don't have enough alone time. (there's that word again). i've taken one online class at a time, but three? not sure what i was thinking. i just keep reminding myself - 13 weeks to go. 13 weeks to go.
i guess we've decided that i'll be going to vegas alone. :::sigh::: i really want P to go. :o/ the kids want us both to go. but...he won't go. "it's the responsible thing to do" - as if my going w/o him is irresponsible? no. NO! that's not what he was thinking. it will be fun to spend some fun time with my older sister and my father. we spent all our "spending money" on our summer trip and there's nothing for me to go to vegas with. i told the kids i'll buy one tshirt that says 'my mom went to vegas and all i got was this tshirt'.... and they have to share it...lolol that's funny right? :o)
so yeah - we've got eddie money 'shakin' on the radio after foghat's 'slowride' and i'm lost in the white lines on the highway. you know you've done that, too. like subconsciously you're just gonna follow those white lines even if they go past your exit. and not for any real reason either. it's just one of those of things - like staring off into space when people have their hand in your face, snapping their fingers. good thing there are four exits that i can take to get to our house. haha!
i was thinking about what a bad rap plastic gets. some stuff just comes in plastic, no matter how damn green you try to be. i don't like plastic. i don't like the things i hear about plastics (likein the microwave) but i can't find rice in glass baggies. i haven't seen 5 gallon water jugs in glass. even cereal comes in a plastic bag - surrounded by recyclable cardboard. i hope it's one of those things that don't end up being as bad 'they' tout them to be.
well, i guess you can see now why i haven't been on here much to talk to you blog. i have nothing to say. just blech! i'm gonna go pee then go to bed. 6:45 comes early.
nitey nite!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
house projects that don't include the house....
ciao blog!
since our housing status is in limbo right now (time is on our side - keep saying it long enough and eventually you'll believe it) i've been trying to do home projects that i could take with us if need be. the roof - i can't take with. the shower walls - can't come with. so i'm left with this creative energy that i can't express.
on my list of things of to do was removing the "wall" that P put up to split up the master bedroom into a bedroom and hallway. that came down and i put the church door screen there as a wall. looks awesome!
we made little S a daybed. i have to finish that up by painting the outside side piece and making some kind of cushion thingy (think the front of the arm of a couch) - too many scratches from the wood. bed looks great though!
in mid-project right now is the desk/shelving unit. i finally found 2 matching bookshelves ($20 on morey park rd) and we used the last church door as the table top. i need P to miter the paperboard crown moulding and find two pieces of something to use a backer board which is really going to look like a wall when you're in the livingroom. i went back to home depot to see if i could get more of that $20 bead board for $5 and it was all gone. bummer. i want to paint the whole unit one solid color so it looks like a real built in unit but P thinks painting the fake wood bookshelves is a bad idea (the paint won't adhere). and now, we're split down the middle - do we keep the back OFF the unit so you can see through the desk and into the LR or do we put the wood on the back so it blocks the LR. i also need to make a message center for the backside of one of the shelf units that faces inward. it'll look awesome when i'm done though.
i think next i'm going to paint the kitchen cabinets. normally i wouldn't do such a thing. you just don't paint real wood. gah! but these 4 bottom cupboards and 1 drawer unit aren't real wood. they're particle something or other and they don't care if they get painted. i need a funkyish design and some cheap paint. walmart had some paints for $3-$5 that were miscolored, but we were working on little S's bed and the paint had to wait andnow it's gone.
the bathroom. ugh. i can't even think about it right now. it needs a new roof, ceiling, shower walls, hot/cold/shower mechanism thingys...the ones that are BEHIND the shower wall, hell..i need a whole new bathroom (not exaggerating?).
the garage/storage/girls bedrooms really need an overhaul. we were in a rush to move in so we (read that to mean HE...lol) didn't really do things the way *I* would have liked them...since i'm the mom and the maid, etc. so in a dream world - the whole thing gets ripped apart and *I* get to start over.
but/...since the hot water tank shite to bed and it took more resources than were available - all projects are on hold until further notice. thanks hot water tank. you ass.
and you're right. that has nothing to do with nothing. i'm wasting space.
ha!
since our housing status is in limbo right now (time is on our side - keep saying it long enough and eventually you'll believe it) i've been trying to do home projects that i could take with us if need be. the roof - i can't take with. the shower walls - can't come with. so i'm left with this creative energy that i can't express.
on my list of things of to do was removing the "wall" that P put up to split up the master bedroom into a bedroom and hallway. that came down and i put the church door screen there as a wall. looks awesome!
we made little S a daybed. i have to finish that up by painting the outside side piece and making some kind of cushion thingy (think the front of the arm of a couch) - too many scratches from the wood. bed looks great though!
in mid-project right now is the desk/shelving unit. i finally found 2 matching bookshelves ($20 on morey park rd) and we used the last church door as the table top. i need P to miter the paperboard crown moulding and find two pieces of something to use a backer board which is really going to look like a wall when you're in the livingroom. i went back to home depot to see if i could get more of that $20 bead board for $5 and it was all gone. bummer. i want to paint the whole unit one solid color so it looks like a real built in unit but P thinks painting the fake wood bookshelves is a bad idea (the paint won't adhere). and now, we're split down the middle - do we keep the back OFF the unit so you can see through the desk and into the LR or do we put the wood on the back so it blocks the LR. i also need to make a message center for the backside of one of the shelf units that faces inward. it'll look awesome when i'm done though.
i think next i'm going to paint the kitchen cabinets. normally i wouldn't do such a thing. you just don't paint real wood. gah! but these 4 bottom cupboards and 1 drawer unit aren't real wood. they're particle something or other and they don't care if they get painted. i need a funkyish design and some cheap paint. walmart had some paints for $3-$5 that were miscolored, but we were working on little S's bed and the paint had to wait andnow it's gone.
the bathroom. ugh. i can't even think about it right now. it needs a new roof, ceiling, shower walls, hot/cold/shower mechanism thingys...the ones that are BEHIND the shower wall, hell..i need a whole new bathroom (not exaggerating?).
the garage/storage/girls bedrooms really need an overhaul. we were in a rush to move in so we (read that to mean HE...lol) didn't really do things the way *I* would have liked them...since i'm the mom and the maid, etc. so in a dream world - the whole thing gets ripped apart and *I* get to start over.
but/...since the hot water tank shite to bed and it took more resources than were available - all projects are on hold until further notice. thanks hot water tank. you ass.
and you're right. that has nothing to do with nothing. i'm wasting space.
ha!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
epiphanies and three way mirrors....
hola blog!
i am, by nature or nurture, a tshirt and jeans girl. i am also a big girl (read that to mean 'overweight'). at one point in my life i weighed 300lbs. yeah. right? i've lost a lot of weight, got sick and lost some more...then i got healthy(er) and gained a little bit back. i'm holding steady where i am and i'm happy with that (at least right now - eating to lose weight is so far down on my list of things to do...that'll be another blog). but having been as big as i was, my body is in a funky position. it's too gross for me to talk about...LOL it seems all my excess weight/skin is in my abdomen. i hate it and it's the bane of my existence. in fact, i'm currently saving up for a tummy tuck (i have $3.27 out of the $20,000 i will need...lol)
yeah, so what..? what does that have to do with the price of eggs in china? nothing, really. but while i was at the mall with my daughters yesterday i caught sight of myself in quite a few full length mirrors. i've seen myself before. i have a full length mirror on my bedroom door. i've been shopping. i know i'm a meaty woman. but yesterday...wearing denim shorts and a white tshirt (which is odd because 98% of my tshirts are black...lol) i saw this....ickyness. thinner arms and legs and a big belly. ugh! i'm not hating on myself, really i'm not. i just think my eyes got opened - i don't know - maybe yesterday was epiphany day.
i've been adding some clothes to my jeans and tshirts now and then for when i'm a "professional" but finding full figured clothes at thrift stores is a nightmare (i am NOT 90 yrs old, just fluffy) and really...there are two kinds of clothing styles for big girls...old lady granny stuff or really super slutty stuff. or you have your designers that will take a thinner woman's and just add more fabric not taking into account that our bodies are different in more ways than just size.
i bought a top/shirt at target at the beginning of summer...when S was graduating high school and J was graduating middle school. it was $2.48 and black. i couldn't pass it up. i couldn't pass it up but i never wore it. i was rummaging through my closet today because all i could see in my head was the full length 3 way mirror images. grrrrr...
okay!! so i grab a pair of jeans and rolled up the cuffs and grabbed this shirt. as i take the tag off i notice something. omg. o.m.g. it's a maternity shirt. yikes!! :::sigh:::: okay, well...i'm determined to NOT wear a tshirt today so i threw it on and walked out into the livingroom.
and what do i hear? wow - that looks good on you! where are you going mom? nice! .....wow...not what i expected but i like it. the shirt stays. best part is that it doesn't look maternity...it's cute...and flattering. no one but me knows it's maternity. i even made a point to look at myself in the three way mirrors while we were at target getting my meds. dang girl - that IS really nice!!!
so to carry on from yesterday's epiphany day - because of my body shape (being really heavy, losing weight, gaining wieght, losing weight and having no abdominal muscles whatsoever) - maternity clothes (tops specifically) are flattering on me. i mean, of course, i have to find the ones that don't say "baby on board"...LOL
but it was so nice to try on clothes (maternity or otherwise) that were flattering and didn't accentuate my err...curves (aka muffin top). and nothing granny and nothing slutty. just don't start rumors and tell people i'm pregnant if you catch me shopping in the maternity section at target. (lol)
i am, by nature or nurture, a tshirt and jeans girl. i am also a big girl (read that to mean 'overweight'). at one point in my life i weighed 300lbs. yeah. right? i've lost a lot of weight, got sick and lost some more...then i got healthy(er) and gained a little bit back. i'm holding steady where i am and i'm happy with that (at least right now - eating to lose weight is so far down on my list of things to do...that'll be another blog). but having been as big as i was, my body is in a funky position. it's too gross for me to talk about...LOL it seems all my excess weight/skin is in my abdomen. i hate it and it's the bane of my existence. in fact, i'm currently saving up for a tummy tuck (i have $3.27 out of the $20,000 i will need...lol)
yeah, so what..? what does that have to do with the price of eggs in china? nothing, really. but while i was at the mall with my daughters yesterday i caught sight of myself in quite a few full length mirrors. i've seen myself before. i have a full length mirror on my bedroom door. i've been shopping. i know i'm a meaty woman. but yesterday...wearing denim shorts and a white tshirt (which is odd because 98% of my tshirts are black...lol) i saw this....ickyness. thinner arms and legs and a big belly. ugh! i'm not hating on myself, really i'm not. i just think my eyes got opened - i don't know - maybe yesterday was epiphany day.
i've been adding some clothes to my jeans and tshirts now and then for when i'm a "professional" but finding full figured clothes at thrift stores is a nightmare (i am NOT 90 yrs old, just fluffy) and really...there are two kinds of clothing styles for big girls...old lady granny stuff or really super slutty stuff. or you have your designers that will take a thinner woman's and just add more fabric not taking into account that our bodies are different in more ways than just size.
i bought a top/shirt at target at the beginning of summer...when S was graduating high school and J was graduating middle school. it was $2.48 and black. i couldn't pass it up. i couldn't pass it up but i never wore it. i was rummaging through my closet today because all i could see in my head was the full length 3 way mirror images. grrrrr...
okay!! so i grab a pair of jeans and rolled up the cuffs and grabbed this shirt. as i take the tag off i notice something. omg. o.m.g. it's a maternity shirt. yikes!! :::sigh:::: okay, well...i'm determined to NOT wear a tshirt today so i threw it on and walked out into the livingroom.
and what do i hear? wow - that looks good on you! where are you going mom? nice! .....wow...not what i expected but i like it. the shirt stays. best part is that it doesn't look maternity...it's cute...and flattering. no one but me knows it's maternity. i even made a point to look at myself in the three way mirrors while we were at target getting my meds. dang girl - that IS really nice!!!
so to carry on from yesterday's epiphany day - because of my body shape (being really heavy, losing weight, gaining wieght, losing weight and having no abdominal muscles whatsoever) - maternity clothes (tops specifically) are flattering on me. i mean, of course, i have to find the ones that don't say "baby on board"...LOL
but it was so nice to try on clothes (maternity or otherwise) that were flattering and didn't accentuate my err...curves (aka muffin top). and nothing granny and nothing slutty. just don't start rumors and tell people i'm pregnant if you catch me shopping in the maternity section at target. (lol)
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