and the bad mama award goes to......

i severely screwed up today.  well, i didn't screw up today...i've been screwing up.  it's just that during a...umm...loud discussion with the 16 yr old, hearing my words bounce off her and back at me....i realized what i've done.  what i and i alone have created. 
 
my sweet hubby and i differ  a lot on parenting the kids...he says i've allowed too much dialogue with them (specifically the 16 & 18 yr old) and that when i get sassed back at - it's because of that dialogue.  the girls don't know their limits and they push the envelope.  and they do.  i admit it. (don't all kids...isn't that what they're supposed to do?)  but.....our kids are good kids.  they are good, respectful kids though, i didn't fk up somewhere along the line.  but omg, those 2 girls give me one helluva time though...and the 16 yr old especially.  so shy and quiet and then BOOM!!!!!  she changes on a dime.  i don't understand how four kids can be born of the same parents, raised by the same parents in the same exact way and one be so....soo...soooooo.....grrrrr.....

the allowing of dialogue grew from my highly oppressed and abusive childhood.  from as early as i can remember i grew up getting a back-hand, belt, slotted spoon, a boot once - whatever was handy, right across the face to make me shut up if i disagreed with something my mother said or did. SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!  i barely ever got a word in and i'm sure i was no different than any other kid hating bathtime, bed time, putting my toys away, etc but i didn't have your run of the mill mother either (my mother and my brother M have/had the same kind of fits that T has, severe, over the top, violent temper tantrums.  i've taken T to two shrinks and her pediatrician and they all say nothing is wrong with her other than regular teenage angst). the smackdowns my mother gave me didn't change one thing though.  i just wanted her to listen to me. just once. 

it must have made a huge impact on me because i always told myself that i would listen to my kids no matter what.  well, now, i've got two very opinionated teenage daughters who will use most any opportunity to argue with me. but that's the dynamic of our relationship.  we yell and fight and then ask "do you want ice cubes in your lemonade?"  it's dysfunctional at best.  add that to possible mental illness and well...then you've got yourself a party!!


i went to the mall this afternoon and brought S and T. S has her own spending money and i only brought enough money to get little S's school sneakers.  T knew this and had the option to stay home because she would be leaving the mall empty handed. nope, she wanted to go. if nothing else, she would boy watch. well, needless to say...by the time we were done at the mall....T was having a meltdown.  it was hot. mall was packed (back to school, no doubt) and S wouldn't buy her a pair of shoes.  so she's stomping out to the parking lot, i'm lollygagging behind her and when i catch up to her at the truck she says "i'm driving home!"  i said no. she says why.  i said because i'm hot, i'm tired, i'm starting to feel grumpy and i'm getting a headache behind my left eye and honestly, i'm not in the mood to "watch" you properly.  well, holy shit!!  i saw the devil himself in her pretty blue eyes.  not having found my advil for the headache, i let her have it.  it was then that i heard myself ....i heard me telling her what i had done to raise such a bratty child....


since pre-puberty T has had a short temper. her siblings have grown to dislike  never knowing when the "monster" is gonna show up.  i guess you can call me  a bad mother because i often don't want her around me either.  nearly every day she has a temper tantrum, throws things at people, pushes people, calls names, hits, yells....her tirades go beyond that open line of communication i was speaking of earlier.  i'd rather she went to her friends house so i dont have to deal with her attitude and bipolar disorder.  it was in sarcastically telling her that she was right - i'm deliberately keeping her from driving because i like everyone better than her.... that's why i said she could never have her belly button pierced....but later on (after weeks of temper tantrums and begging) i said she could if she went to work with her dad on a floor job(just to get her out of my hair).  i said she was grounded for a week...but two days later let her go to her friends house (just to get her out of my hair).  i stopped .  dead, right there.  what. what. what. are you doing?

somewhere along the line i didn't mean what i said, or say what i meant and i've created this girl who knows....she KNOWS it!  she knows if she gives me enough shit, enough mouth, enough attitude...i will let her off the hook...just to save myself another fight and another headache.

i guess...in my defense, she really is a problem child...not that it's a defense. i suck. but she is a prettier version of my brother. the brother who put a meat thermometer in the flame on the stove and put it on my arm just to see what it would do (i still have the scar).  she's never done anything that vicious but neither of her sisters or her brother even like her because of her hateful fits.


 my problem now is...how do i change this thing i've created.  in 2 years she'll be going into the military (if that plan doesn't change) and i'm going to be letting a monster loose.  but please, please don't get me wrong.  i love her with all my heart!  she's my baby girl, my tater tot and when she's not in psycho mode, she can be the sweetest, most loving, caring girl in the world. (just wish i knew when psycho-mode was gonna hit)


and it all started so innocently.  i wanted dialogue.  :::sigh:::